I'm Still Thinking

About Why I Tweet on Twitter

2009-02-16T21:39:00.000-05:00

Re Facebook, there are so many people uncomfortable with the degree of exposure, esp. unwitting exposure. I told a friend that I posted a photo of her and she very gingerly asked if I'd be OK taking it off - which of course I was. My impulse was to include her in "my life" so she wasn't mad, she just reminded me that she values her privacy. As her friend, I want her to be comfortable, so down it came. I have the photo, that's all that matters.

I tweet because I am at home all day, talking on the phone to people, and generally connecting to the world via the web. It's been a lot of fun. I learn a lot about what's going on in the cyberworld, social marketing, "HUGE money making opportunities!" that require a whole lot of hard work (no one ever tells you that...), free services, funny videos and websites (www.icanhascheezburger.com is one definitely worth a visit - LOL cat pictures and captions).

Twitter keeps me in touch with the world, sparks my imagination, gives me information to pass on to several people I'm helping with their job searches, gives me stuff for blog posting - I am turning into a writer. You may or may not know I'm officially disabled (SSI and everything) after several back operations and hip replacement - while it's very frustrating not to be as mobile as I want to be, I have found these cyber-outlets that save my sanity.

Otherwise, I doubt I'd do all this!

Really, all Twitter is, is the answer to the questions "watcha doin'?" and "a penny for your thoughts..."

about resentment

2009-02-07T12:13:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I need to vent and then accept that I’ve made the choice to do something, and either I change my mind or decide to roll with it without resentment (re-sent[i]ment – refeeling my anger, hurt, disappointment).

A couple of summers ago, my mom disinvited me to join them for vacation because “there isn’t enough room” – every other member of the family was going to be there, so I couldn’t go. I was so hurt. Yet I wasn’t willing to talk to my mother about it, because after 50 years of experience being her daughter, I understand that she had no idea what she did and could blame me for taking it so personally. I didn't want to risk being hurt again.

The problem was that I iced her out, being very cold to her in family gatherings after that – and it was so noticeable that my father told me to cut it out – something he almost never does. I had a decision: do I talk to my mother about it? Or do I truly accept that she is who she is, and then give up the right to hold that against her? I chose the latter. I decided to act as if everything was normal, and eventually it became normal. She didn’t want to know why I was behaving that way, she just wanted me to stop being mean to her.

If I’m not willing to work with the other person to try and make it right, I simply need to work it through myself (with friends, of course!) and not take out my feelings on the person who injured me. It does hurt them, so I get that satisfaction from revenge. However, if I love them, it's not satisfying for very long. Plus, I don't want to be so obvious in my feelings. And I want to grow up! To accept that I don't have to act on my feelings, that I can accept the limitations of other people just as I want them to accept mine.

Binge Signals

2009-02-04T15:19:00.003-05:00

I listen to my binge voice but am learning not to heed it, if that distinction makes any sense. It needs to be aired because it is a source of information for me.

If I want to binge, what's going on? Am I hungry and perhaps have gone too long between meals/snacks? Or did something happen in the world that triggered one of those feelings over which I binge? Am I lonely, or feeling inadequate, not enough, incompetent, despairing? Those are my big triggers.

Identifying the underlying cause for a "binge signal" allows me to take appropriate action (as long as I'm willing to do so!). When hungry, eat a piece of fruit and/or some protein. When emotional, call a friend or write in my blog or go outside or clean the kitchen sink or draw a picture - whatever it is that will feed my soul and help me feel whole and enough.

Honestly, I have come to the conclusion that we are the only ones who know what works for us. Experts have tons of great ideas and suggestions, and I thank them for them. Then I go ahead and test them out. Some work for me, others don't. It's up to me to pay attention and make choices based on my self-knowledge and experience. I've learned how to lower the chatter in my head, to say "thanks for sharing, now I've got to move on!"

Step Two

2009-02-04T15:00:00.002-05:00

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I came, then I came to, then I came to believe. That was my process.

When I joined Al-Anon, I'd been in another 12 Step program for a year and thought it should be easy for me to work the Steps in Al-Anon. I was way too optimistic. It was challenging for me to understand that I was powerless over people, over people with alcohol in them, and over alcohol in people. That was the nature of my insanity - that somehow I could control or influence an alcoholic's choices, attitudes and behavior - especially regarding me.

So first I came to Al-Anon. I sat at meetings, listened and gradually started learning about my co-dependent disease of alcoholism. It was very different from active alcoholism, for it involved hyper-responsiblity instead of the alcoholic's irresponsibility. It involved hyper-vigilance instead of the alcoholic's search for
oblivion. And it involved a firm, even stranglehold grasp on reality instead of the alcoholic's journey into fantasy. Weren't these things good? What could be bad about being responsible, vigilant and realistic?

I came to see that those traits are not inherently bad - in moderation. I was not exercising moderation, however. This was evident in the amount of anger, frustration and disappointment I suffered "because of" other people's behavior, attitudes and choices. My well-being was affected by other people to a very unhealthy extent. And I was responsible for that. I minded other people's business instead of minding my own. I came to see that as insanity.

Eventually, I came to believe that I could be restored to some kind of sanity. I came to believe that there is a power greater than me on whom I can call for strength and wisdom. I saw other people detach themselves from other people who repeatedly hurt and disappointed them, stand back and let their alcoholic partners or children experience the consequences of their drinking, and work on their own
character and choices FIRST. I came to believe that if I kept the focus on myself and used the Al-Anon tools, I too would gain serenity and happiness.

And that is what happened to me. Today, I understand and accept that I am powerless over others, and that the key to my happiness is minding my own business.

Executive Pay Limits

2009-02-04T12:37:00.004-05:00

Obama Calls for ‘Common Sense’ on Executive Pay calls for another way to look at pay. Maybe it's time for for-profit folks to have the same kind of scrutiny that non-profit executives have had for a long time.

about constantly working

2009-01-26T21:15:00.002-05:00

When I say "working," I don't mean what we usually mean by work - paid employment or self-employment or somehow doing or providing something of value in return for something else of value, usually money. Well, maybe I mean the last one. Because I am talking about how much hard work is involved in governing my life, my emotions, my attitude. If I get another e-mail from another self-help guru touting how important it is for me to let go of my fears and my negativity, to accept full responsibility for how my life is today, to practice acceptance and the Law of Attraction, etc....well, I will just go to bed for a while. I am tired of all this effort. I would like a rest.

What sparked this rebellion? Talking to a friend who is full of ups and downs, who is seemingly constantly thrown the most painful and difficult situations and circumstances. Just as she makes it through something, she is tossed another curve. And while it's very easy to say "oh, life is your teacher" or some such very true sentiment, it is not easy to listen to her pain - and worse than that, to her resignation and giving up. I'd rather hear her yell and complain than this dull voice of supposed acceptance that things will change and be different. It's as though her vitality has been stolen by too much pain over and over again.

Sure, it's possible that she will regain her vitality and zest for life. Maybe even tomorrow. As it is possible that she will come out of this a stronger, wiser woman. That will take more time, in my experience. Right now, I weep inside for the steady pounding on her spirit, the constant deflation of her hopes, the never-ending assault on her equilibrium. All the words I have are not enough to comfort her, to restore her faith, to invigorate her with hope.

I've been through so much of what she is going through. Perhaps that's why I know how horrible this is. And I know how close I came to throwing in the towel. Years ago, I did throw in the towel for a couple weeks and spent those weeks in a safe environment getting some healing space and time away from the demands of everyday life. Sometimes life's problems really are too much. People's minds and hearts break, and too often they do not recover. In such situations, it is abhorrent to talk about personal responsibility and "you brought this into your life for a reason."

For many years, I've resented the hell out of Louise Hay for starting the whole "you create your own health" movement which has now transmuted into the "you create your own life" binge. It is so demoralizing to be sick or disabled or in emotional pain and hear that I brought it on myself. Why on earth would I want to be in this condition? And if I brought it on, why the hell can't I cure myself? I mean, if it were possible to cure oneself through positive thinking, we wouldn't need to raise money to fund cancer research, would we? And I don't think I have a failure to think positively enough. That is tantamount to saying that Jean Harlow's mother had the right idea when she kept her from the hospital because Christian Science praying would heal her. It didn't, and she died unnecessarily of septicemia, I think - something very curable when caught early enough. Does faith healing happen sometimes? Sure! I do believe in miracles. The thing is, they are called miracles for the very reason that they happen quite infrequently.

My opinion and experience is that we get what we get, not what we deserve or what we ask for or what we want. I don't believe I asked for Lyme disease and the crappy complications that seem to have followed it. I got bitten by a tick. I went to a very renowned doctor, who now heads up the Complementary Medicine Institute at Beth Israel Hospital, and he didn't diagnose me with Lyme for five years. The medicine simply wasn't advanced enough for him to think that a borderline test result meant I should be treated as if I had the disease. Some people might think that was medical malpractice. I don't. I think it was medical inexperience - not his, the field's. You don't know until you know. There is no malice in not knowing yet.

So did I ask to get Lyme disease? Not consciously, not subconsciously as far as I can tell after years of therapy and self-examination. In a past life? Who on earth knows? I only know that I got it and it sucks and I have a choice about how I deal with the consequences. That choice sometimes is very limited, between crying and being angry, between sleeping and watching a movie so I don't think. Sometimes, it's OK to check out. I get so tired of being so damned good all the time. There are times when all I say to people is "I'm so sorry you have to deal with this."

I remember feeling so wonderful when my therapist Emily would validate my feelings. I'd be angry or hurt or discouraged, and she'd say "yes, I can understand that. That was a hurtful thing for her to say/do." I wasn't alone in my own world of meaning anymore where everything was relative and nothing was solid or constant. Instead, I shared reality with someone who said that there are some absolutes, there are some common human experiences and feelings, and you can trust your own gut, your own opinion, your own feelings. You can trust them and honor them and listen to them. I really needed to hear that. It was one of the most empowering things ever to happen to me. And the validation helped calm me down, helped temper the feelings, soothe my wounded heart, and enable me to think more calmly and even objectively about what action to take based on my feelings and the situation.

When I was in college, my friend Linda's mother said to her that she often wanted to put her arms around me and tell me everything would be all right. I wish she had, even though I wouldn't have known what she meant. I did end up spending a summer with Lane Grasshoff, and she was wonderful to me. I must have talked a lot about how wonderful she was because my own mother got jealous and complained that it seemed I wanted Mrs. Grasshoff to be my mother instead of her. Honestly, at that point, I did. And probably because that was true and I couldn't tolerate what seemed to be betraying my mother, I didn't have much contact with her after that. For that, I am sorry. She was a generous, loving woman to me, who accepted me as I was. She loaned me the money for an abortion after I'd been raped, when I couldn't tell my own mother about it. She represented safety.

Safety is so ephemeral for grown-ups. For many children, as well, who grow up in abusive families or no families at all. Yet it is such a fundamental craving we humans have, for safety, for the physical and emotional space to just let go of having to be good, having to behave, having to have a good attitude, having to set a good example, having to have faith, having to keep trying, keep going, keep working. Is there no respite from life's storm?

That's what I was thinking about tonight when I listened to my dear friend Sam. I have no respite for her. Even the words "it will all be OK" are meaningless in that frame of mind, as they would have been for me if Mrs. Grasshoff had said them to me. I would have wondered why she said it to me, and I would have said "how do you know?" There are no guarantees in life, and it's all very well and good to reassure someone, but on what basis? How on earth do I know if it's all going to be OK? I only know that if I drink, it will all be worse - unless I am fortunate enough to die quickly from alcohol poisoning.

I guess this is where I always end up, where I ended up after my two week "holiday" when I wanted to return to that safe place. I have no choice. I must go on. Suicide is not for me. I am too chicken, and I have too much innate hope. And so this human spirit adjusts, adapts, regroups, reinflates, revives. After a little rest, I am willing and able to do the work again.

Appetite or hunger?

2009-01-12T16:54:00.002-05:00

USA Today quotes Kelly Rhoads as saying "I've learned to differentiate hunger from appetite. Sometimes, when I think I'm hungry, I drink a glass of water or a non-caffeinated drink, and usually I stop feeling hungry." (http://www.usatoday.com)

I immediately thought about how I like the taste of some foods so much that I keep eating them long after I am full. I'm no longer feeding my hunger, I'm feeding my desire for pleasure and feeling good.

I think appetite is similar to that - there's this appetite to fill myself up, to feel good, to taste something yummy, to plunge into and remain in this wonderful sensory experience. I'm not hungry for food, I'm hungry for pleasure, for immediate gratification, for being out of all reality except taste bud reality, and possibly for hiding from feelings of pain or loneliness or anger or depression. So my appetite is for stuffing things down. It's not hunger.

Getting out of the binge cycle

2009-01-06T14:11:00.002-05:00

How quickly the days pass! I spent the weekend sleeping a lot and then yesterday was on overload emotionally. I did record what I ate and that was a success. AND...I did not binge eat yesterday, nor have I today.

I'm really, really happy about not binging. I take my own suggestion of celebrating and allowing myself to feel good about showing up for myself, about getting back on the path. Something about being around my parents triggers me to go back to the comfort zone of misery. It's as if I'm accustomed to deprivation and "not enough" and "failure" and feeling bad - nothing I do will ever be enough to make me feel happy. At least that's the pattern into which I fall. Having been in 12 step recovery for almost 27 years, I know it's possible for me to be happy. And I have been happy. Happy is more my normal state these days. In the "still growing" category, I see that I have room to grow in terms of allowing myself to be happy around my parents, and to a lesser extent, my siblings. I get to be successful, to have what I want, to feel good about myself.

The other day, my coach asked me whether it served my mother for me to live small and unhappily. It does not. It sells her short. One quote that really touched me was from Nelson Mandela:

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. …And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

And so I am called to play big.

about Writing My Life

2008-12-23T15:45:00.001-05:00

A theme today is using writing to externalize one's thoughts, dreams, wishes, and explore one's inner world - what DO I really want? why?

If I keep things inside, they don't get a chance to breathe, to become real, to form a foundation on which I can build and grow. When I write down my dreams, they can become intentions and goals. It's now out there in the universe, its energy pulsing out and in.

Negative thoughts also need airing so we can see them for what they are - toxic, poisonous to our souls and mood. If I keep things inside, they will move me around without my consent or choice - and then I wonder why I end up in unsatisfactory situations. Expressing those things frees me from being stuck and allows me to begin exercising choice, making better informed decisions.

I love finding out how I get in my own way, how I stop myself from getting what I want - that's the virtue of self-exploration & expression. Because I don't have to stand in my own way - and I don't do it as unknowingly, when I do the excavation work, the internal dig.

Somehow when I write I can see what's happening, I discover ideas, I realize hidden motivations, I unearth pivotal personal history. I hear myself, I hear my own voice, I begin to take shape to myself, to occupy space and time, to have definition and dimension and meaning.

Holiday goodness

2008-12-19T10:39:00.002-05:00

I got this the other day from a friend who is a Republican.

To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for other calendar years and the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

I thought it was pretty funny, if snarky and sort of "you people are so silly" in attitude. Like Republicans think they are better than Democrats because they are not all "politically correct." Honestly, isn't "politically correct" - aka respectful of the beliefs and feelings of others - just the right way to be?

Sometimes we can take it to a bit of an extreme, though. For example:

Yesterday, I was in the Maplewood garden center buying my Christmas tree (with my niece - very exciting for her to help pick it out! and fun for me, too) as well as a couple ornaments and paperwhite bulbs. When I had completed the purchase, I said "have a good holiday" and he said "oh, Merry Christmas" and I realized that it was perfectly fine to say that to him because I was buying Christmas stuff - he knew that's what I celebrate and he and I had talked enough that I knew he was celebrating it, too. It was just one of those moments of being in the same tribe, and it was nice.

I did like knowing that my automatic instinct is to be careful and respect other people's beliefs - I say Happy Hannukkah (which starts Sunday night), of course, and now I have a few Wiccan friends so I wish them "Happy Solstice." My niece learns about all of it, including Kwanzaa, which is not a religious holiday but a cultural observance.

It's cool to have such a lot of fun, happy things in the world to celebrate at this time of year! I love the shared happiness, no matter how we celebrate or what we observe.

So there you have it, from a died-in-the-wool liberal Democrat living in Maplewood, NJ (aka Park Slope West, for those familiar with that part of Brooklyn).

about perseverance, patience, perspective and progress

2008-12-07T17:32:00.001-05:00

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." Aristotle

I am struck by these threads as I look at other people's stories and progress here on SparkPeople. Here's what I see:

* Many people have accomplished their goals. This works!

* They say it's through taking things one step at a time, one day at a time.

* Each one demonstrates the qualities of patience, hard work, and willingness to stay committed to their highest good and health.

* Everyone here started. They began. They took action. And then they watched what happened.

* When people reach their goals, they keep up the same habits they developed along the way - such as checking in on SparkPeople and sharing their lessons and progress with others

I'm inspired by what to me is the "formula" for success in weight release: Having a goal, admitting that I need to do something different to get different results, making a decision to take actions that can get me to my goal, taking the action, consistently acting every day, and taking the long view.

Patience, perseverance and perspective are keys to success!

about perseverance, patience, perspective and progress

2008-12-07T17:32:00.000-05:00

about loans to the auto industry

2008-12-05T13:01:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, I wrote to my federal reps to ask them to support the loans requested by GM, Chrysler and Ford. I did it through this site: League of Women Voters.

Then I heard this morning on NPR that public sentiment is running 2 to 1 against providing loans to the US auto industry. And I decided I have to do something I rarely do: lobby my contacts to support those loans.

I am really passionate about this. Perhaps it's because my grandfather worked for Ford Motor back during the Depression and Ford gave my mom a college scholarship to the school where she met my Dad and now I'm here, sort of thanks to Ford.

Maybe it's because I worked for the City of New York in the early 90's when so many people were out of work and my team was responsible for helping people who were laid off or fired. What a painful time that was! I don't want to see anyone lose a job if there's ANY alternative.

Or it's because I worked at City Harvest and saw soup kitchens have to bring in high chairs so that families could get at least one hot meal a day even if they couldn't afford much more. Today, those soup kitchens already turn people away. How can they even think of helping anyone else?

Anyway, I feel really strongly that Congress needs to help the remaining 3 US automakers survive. It's about saving people's jobs, allowing people to support themselves. And it's about using federal resources to help the people who work and shop on Main Streets throughout the country.

The same arguments that prompted the bailout of banks apply here, too. The point is that these companies directly employ thousands and indirectly provide work for more thousands. Without these companies, what will they do?

Conditions are fine - I'm a pretty fervent advocate of alternative fuels and energy, so would love to see our auto makers produce more fuel efficient and differently powered vehicles. If we weren't in such dire economic straits, I might think "oh, let them go bankrupt." But we ARE in dire straits, and I think this calls for emergency measures.

So I'm taking the liberty (and for some of you, it may seem like a big liberty, so please forgive me!) of suggesting that you think about contacting your Senators and Representative to support loans for the auto industry in the US.

I did so yesterday via the League of Women Voters website which makes it so easy to find your reps (plug in your zip code) and then send them a message directly from the LWV site. Here's what I wrote:

December 4, 2008

[recipient address was inserted here]

Dear [recipient name was inserted here],

Please give the auto makers financial support.

These companies deserve help to retool and reshape themselves. Right now,
they provide jobs and retirement benefits as well as health care for
thousands of people, and are the source of jobs for many hundreds of
thousands more in supporting industries.

Please don't allow some of the US's last remaining major manufacturing
businesses to die, simply because they are not on Wall Street. People who
work and shop on Main Streets everywhere depend on these companies.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Julia Erickson

Simply copy this language into your own message. Or write your own. Just please, if you care about people keeping jobs, tell your reps that you do. Here's the link again: LWV.org

If you've read this far, you might care about the issue as much as I do. So send this on to someone else. Maybe we can turn the tide and keep US manufacturing jobs alive long enough for our country to get back on its feet again.

Thanks.

about taking action

2008-11-24T11:53:00.000-05:00

I am struck by the awareness that lots of people seem to have about the role food plays in their lives. It isn't that we lack knowledge. For me the question was what made/makes me willing to ACT on my knowledge.

I think the saying "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired" sums up what happened for me. I was tired of doing the same behavior, getting the same results, and feeling terrible about myself. Telling myself I didn't feel terrible. But feeling terrible nonetheless.

I spent a lot of time pushing down the desire to wear pretty clothes, to catch someone's eye, to get a compliment, to look at myself in the mirror and smile - I made those things unimportant.

Perhaps the tipping point was allowing myself to feel HOW terrible I felt. When I looked at my 240 pound body in the mirror, I was so sad and disgusted. It took me years to finally see what was in front of me in the mirror, and to get a big enough "why" I wanted to get to a healthy weight.

What I finally couldn't ignore was the pain in my joints. Yes, I have Lyme-related arthritis and disc degeneration, as well as fibromyalgia. AND the excess weight does not help.

I'm tired of so much pain. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of not being able to move around. And I'm also afraid of getting the family diseases of stroke and/or diabetes - for both of which weight is a big risk factor.

So my "why" got very loud and strong when I turned 50.

Now I am willing to take the small steps that are adding up to significant weight release - letting go of those excess pounds I no longer need anymore. They served whatever purpose they had and now I don't need them anymore. Bye-bye!

Today, I feel pretty good about myself and my willingness to track my food and avoid binges no matter what. No matter what happens, I don't have to binge. I don't have to feel so terrible about myself, which for me is the consequence of a binge. No matter what, I don't have to punish myself like that.

Which is good because I have had two triggers this week: an angry person in my face about something I did inadvertently that she thinks hurts her; and getting 20 pounds closer to my healthy weight goal.

The angry person scares me and I feel shame that I hurt her. I've apologized and think her reaction is a little out-sized, so there may be some other issue in her that was triggered. Still, I will talk to her this week after a few e-mails, and I'm scared. Food definitely used to be my go-to soother for fear and shame! INSTEAD: I've talked to friends, written about it, prayed, and done some positive self-talk. Eating won't help anything, and because a binge would trigger more shame, will actually make me feel worse than I already do. At least now I can feel proud of myself for sticking with my eating plans and getting closer to my goal!

The success is another trigger, because I often have sabotaged myself when I have lost weight in the past. The voices come up: "oh, this won't really matter" and "you lost before, you can just start again later" and "who really cares anyway?" And then I used to go ahead and eat those cookies or chips or candy - and I was off to the races for weeks. INSTEAD: I remind myself that I have another 50 pounds to release and let go in order to reach my target healthy weight. This is about a lifestyle change, about shifting the way I eat and view food, not about a short-term effort.

If I think this is going to be for the rest of my life, I get the "I need lots of food - NOW!" feeling. For me it works when I stay in today, and focus on one food choice at a time. So I do this one day at a time, one food choice at a time.

about Forgiveness

2008-11-21T11:27:00.000-05:00

I was at a seminar this past weekend where I let go of a four-year old resentment against an employer - actually against the people on the Board of Directors who fired me after 11 years, quite abruptly and with great cruelty . Finally, I was able to forgive them because I got it that they did the best they could. It was mean, thoughtless, and quite devastating to me - AND it was the best they could do given who they are, where they were in their own lives. So I forgive them for they truly could not do better.

I also realized that I did the best I could in that situation. I reacted very badly to being treated so horribly, and I've carried around the question "what did I do to deserve this?" I did nothing to deserve that. I forgive myself, too.

Were there metaphysical reasons I drew that experience to me? Probably, and I can learn what they are. More than anything, though, I realize that my time at that organization was over and I needed to move on. Knowing myself, the only way I could move on was by being blasted out of there. And to realize that I could not grow and develop in that environment, that I already was starting to edit myself and keep myself small.

The way I was treated is evidence that the place was too small for me - small people behaving in small ways. I feel so much better when I can be fully myself, as big as I am, as curious and constantly learning as I can be. The program allows me to do that - it's as expansive and welcoming as I need it to be. So I got kicked out of the nest and given ample evidence that I was better off being out of there.

about how I learn and change

2008-11-05T11:46:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a day where I did not stick to an eating plan. I went to an election party and didn't plan ahead, didn't bring anything, just figured I'd drink water and not eat anything.

Well, I learned something: I must bring something with me. I cannot go to a party without bringing my own food. I need to plan for that. Because instead of eating apples which are on my plan, I ended up eating 4 pieces of bread and cheese and two cookies. It wasn't my usual binge for which I'm grateful. However, it was not part of my calorie plan. So I went 500 over! Now, that's a lot for me. Of course, I used to eat 2000 calories in a single sitting in addition to my usual meals. So I'm very happy I didn't do that. What I did do, unfortunately, was let the compulsive eating beast out of the cage and now it is talking quite loudly to me. Just makes it harder to stick to my plan. And now that I'm writing about it, I feel that I let myself down. I want to rationalize it and make it OK - see, it wasn't a REAL binge! The point is that I didn't stick to my plan.

Well, I'm going to take my own advice and forgive myself for going off plan. I definitely learned something, so it wasn't a mistake - it WAS an opportunity to learn. Now I can use this new information, add it to my tool kit, and make a different decision, take a different action, exercise a healthier choice next time. In fact, I'm glad I got this out of the way now - before the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Bermuda Triangle where so often I have gotten lost in sugar and carbs.

After so many years of being hard on myself and beating myself up for doing what I do, I am just no longer willing to feel bad about myself and my actions. I cannot abide that feeling. It's a feeling I've eaten over, drunk over, taken drugs over, smoked cigarettes over, cried over. The only one of those things that is healthy is the crying. And what crying tells me is that I am in pain - I am hurting myself. Now, why would I want to continue doing that? I don't want to anymore. I don't have to hurt myself. I can stop.

What that means for me is finding a way to forgive myself, to accept that I am in a process of discovery, to champion my growing understanding and acceptance of healthier choices, and to celebrate all that I learn. If I knew before what I know now, I would have made a different choice. Since I made the choice I made, clearly I didn't have the information necessary to make the healthier choice. So stop rehashing the past and regretting it! I've gathered more information, and I can put it to use. I find that I can only put it to use when I see it as new information rather than a "consequence" of my "mistake." Ooh - I just feel that 2 year old and 13 year old bridle inside me! "Don't you punish me! I did the best I could!" And that is completely, absolutely true. My goal is to grow. I trust my motives today. I trust that I have my own best interests at heart. I trust that I choose for my own highest good at the time I am choosing. If I don't have all the information I need, OK. I trust that I will get it through stepping forward and taking action. My experiences are my teachers. I will learn from my experiences, as long as I see them as positive and as gifts that contribute to my further growth and development. I rarely learn anything but aversion from punishing myself for not knowing more or doing more. When I was little, my mother used physical punishment, as did most parents back then. What did I learn? To avoid her touch. I don't remember learning whatever it was she was trying to teach me through the punishment. What was I doing that merited the punishment? I have no idea. Her verbal punishments - i.e. criticism of how I was vacuuming or dusting - had much more impact. I remember what I was doing wrong - especially when she told me how I was supposed to do it. Words are very powerful. Of course, today I hate to vacuum and dust - again aversion to the thing for which I was criticized and "punished."

I do not intend to develop an aversion to healthy eating and getting to a healthy weight. I intend to love my process, to enjoy the lessons I experience, and to come to a serene and happy acceptance of my body and a calm, easy relationship to food.

about telling the truth

2008-10-29T21:02:00.003-04:00

I just read a wonderful piece that encouraged telling the truth about my eating/overeating. I especially liked this part:

The Higher Power leads us to truth by means
of the Twelve Steps and the program.
Abstinence from compulsive overeating is
necessary in order to stop feeding our
illusions and let the truth come through.
Knowing the truth sets us free.

It tells me that abstinence will allow me to see more clearly who I am, what I need, and what I am capable of. For me, choosing abstinence is taking a huge leap of faith - faith that whatever truth I learn about myself will be good news. I don't have to fear myself and my truth.

I may need to face some uncomfortable and possibly very sad truths about why I've been overeating for so many years. Yet with my HP and my support, I can face these truths with the sure knowledge that they won't destroy me. Instead, I will become stronger, more able to care for myself.

Eating felt like self-love for so long. Now I realize that it is not loving myself to overeat. I'm facing the truth about the health consequences of my weight - if I put myself at risk for diabetes or stroke because of my past eating habits, that is NOT self-love. I can't hide from that truth anymore.

So I begin by being willing to see the truth about my current health status - being honest with myself about it and open with the rest of you. HOW it works: honest, open and willing.

As I continue to eat in a healthy sane way, I get to uncover other truths about me - that I can love myself in healthy ways, that I can own my needs and get them met somehow - as long as I do accept those needs as valid and important. I'm getting an inkling that the eating was a way to deny my own needs, that they even existed. Having not gotten them validated or met, I got the idea that they were wrong and to be denied. Yet I have needs, especially for love! But somehow I made the equation that I could meet my need by filling up with food - instead of risking rejection by seeking love and acceptance from others.

Luckily, these realizations come a day at a time. I am uncovering my truth slowly. I am not being overwhelmed. That helps me trust the process of learning a healthy way of relating to food.

about this election

2008-10-29T16:13:00.002-04:00

I'll admit it - I'm scared. I'm scared that Obama will lose. I'm scared that we will get McCain in the White House and Sarah Barracuda in Blair House. He represents the old ways of conflict seeking, and she represents some not-so-new ways of us/them politics.

I just re-read Anne Kilkenny's post about Sarah Palin on this site - because I needed to make sure it was realhttp://fairlyconservative.com/the-race-for-president/a-chat-with-anne-kilkenny-from-alaska. Snopes is too busy to let me see their findings but the google blurb says this:

snopes.com: Alaskans' Opinions on Sarah Palin
- 4:19pm
Aug 31, 2008 ... This letter was indeed written, as claimed, by Wasilla resident Anne Kilkenny, who explained her motivations for drafting it to a Daily ...
www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/sarahpalin.asp

Anyway, the scariest part of the letter is how Palin claimed to be the "first Christian" running for Mayor of Wasilla, despite knowing full well that the incumbent is a Protestant. She redefined Christian to mean "born-again Christian."

In my experience of most born-again Christians, that means she dismisses anyone who is not like her as being "damned" and not worthy of her care and attention. Also, if you think someone is damned because they don't believe as you do, then why should you listen to him or her? For that matter, why should you be nice to them? They're apostates at best and heretics at worst. Forget the idea of compassion and loving your neighbor as yourself...the values I was raised to think of as Christian.

How can we elect someone like her as Vice President? It would be like having our own home-grown Taliban. Yes, fundamentalism is fundamentalism, in my book.

Scary stuff. I think I'll pray that I have faith that everything is working out perfectly.

about the fog of the food lifting

2008-10-23T16:52:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to see my life a little more clearly.

When I hit the scales at 240, I could no longer deny that my weight is excessive and my eating out of control. Since I have been tracking food and calories, I have lost about 7 pounds and that feels WONDERFUL!

More than that, I am starting to see how I have used food to get me through difficult life situations. I binged through jobs and relationships, being fired (twice), my 6 year old nephew dying, parents and friends moving, 9/11 - you name it. I didn't pick up alcohol or drugs or cigarettes (other addictions), which is fantastic. Now I'm ready to deal with this addiction.

I found myself saying to someone yesterday about someone else who is quite heavy that she won't know what she's hungry for until she stops eating compulsively. Of course, I was talking about myself. Perhaps I was afraid there would be nothing to feed me if I went without food...I'll get to see as long as I stick to my commitment to eat healthy food within my plan.

Years ago I was in OA and really grew to hate people's obsessions with food - how much, how often, what kind, how many calories, where. It seemed to me that they were trading one form of the obsession for another, and I wanted to be free of the obsession with food.

Today, I recognize that it's OK for me to focus on food, to have an eating plan and a calorie goal, to be a little obsessed with what I can eat. I do want to be free of the obsession and compulsivity. That's my goal; today, it's not my reality. I'm not free - YET. I do need to exercise constant vigilance in order to develop a new habit of eating and maintain it long enough to let go of the excess weight I no longer need. If that's obsession, so be it.

Along with vigilance, I am committed to having fun and bringing joy and energy to this journey. I've found that taking myself lightly helps me take care of myself. It's not a burden, it's a pleasure. And part of the pleasure is SparkPeople - so glad I found it.

TOP 5 REASONS OBAMA SUPPORTERS SHOULDN'T REST EASY

2008-10-22T12:59:00.001-04:00

1. The polls may be wrong. This is an unprecedented election. No one knows how racism may affect what voters tell pollsters—or what they do in the voting booth. And the polls are narrowing anyway. In the last few days, John McCain has gained ground in most national polls, as his campaign has gone even more negative.

2. Dirty tricks. Republicans are already illegally purging voters from the rolls in some states. They're whipping up hysteria over ACORN to justify more challenges to new voters. Misleading flyers about the voting process have started appearing in black neighborhoods. And of course, many counties still use unsecure voting machines.

3. October surprise. In politics, 15 days is a long time. The next McCain smear could dominate the news for a week. There could be a crisis with Iran, or Bin Laden could release another tape, or worse.

4. Those who forget history... In 2000, Al Gore won the popular vote after trailing by seven points in the final days of the race. In 1980, Reagan was eight points down in the polls in late October and came back to win. Races can shift—fast!

5. Landslide. Even with Barack Obama in the White House, passing universal health care and a new clean-energy policy is going to be hard. Insurance, drug and oil companies will fight us every step of the way. We need the kind of landslide that will give Barack a huge mandate.

about my relationship with food

2008-10-21T12:02:00.003-04:00

For the past three weeks, I've been using the site SparkPeople.com , tracking my food intake. It calculates my calories. While I am eating more than the calories required to lose weight, I am not overeating or binging.

As a result, I am becoming more aware of the emptiness I want to fill. That's interesting and a little scary. I'm working to replace "scared" with "excited" and "interested" - like I'm a science project and I get to observe myself to see what's really going on inside me.

So far in my life, I've had amazingly horrible and stressful things happen - my 6 year old nephew dying of cancer, being fired twice and having one be in the newspaper, becoming physically disabled, etc. And I've binged through them.

During all of these tragedies, I didn't pick up a drink (I've accepted my powerlessness over alcohol), which is great. Yet until now I haven't accepted my powerlessness over food. It's a tough one, and so far I'm doing well.

More shall be revealed!

about weight

2008-10-16T13:41:00.002-04:00

I don't know how many hundreds of pounds I've lost and found again. So this time, I am approaching it differently. I'm releasing the weight I no longer need. Letting it go. Bye-bye! Not necessary any more.

I'm getting some great support through SparkPeople.com (free, with great information, and allows me to track my food and get inspired by others), and a couple of on-line Yahoo OA groups. Plus people have sent me to www.greysheet.org and www.foodaddicts.org. Both look very helpful and interesting, with f2f meetings.

It amazes me how when I reach out with my experience and concerns, people reach back to help. When I am open to help, it comes my way. It reminds me that honestly sharing my path brings so much abundance into my life.

about motivation

2008-10-15T18:30:00.001-04:00

More and more, I realize that motivation is a moment-by-moment activity and feeling. Sometimes I can go a few hours and be OK with sticking to my plan. Other times, it is literally minute by minute.

Even more, I realize that making smart choices is difficult when I have things in the house that are too caloric (e.g. the Halloween candy...). Thankfully, I have stocked the house with less caloric items so I can make the smarter choice.

Last night, I forwent the Reese's and ate the South Beach diet bar. I congratulated myself! Would I like to stop the evening eating? Sure. And I will. Step by step, I am reaching my goals.

about reaching goals

2008-10-15T17:34:00.000-04:00

It's been two weeks since I started with SparkPeople.com, and already I feel a sense of accomplishment.

Yes, I've lost some weight, and that feels fantastic! Seeing results is a wonderful motivator. The weight loss is a great result from the effort I've put in - effort in meeting goals I set for myself.

So I really want to celebrate both the weight loss and the fact that I'm following through with my intentions. I am keeping my promise to myself! HOORAY FOR ME!!

It feels safer to celebrate keeping my commitment to myself. That REALLY feels good. For so many years, I've celebrated lost pounds only to find myself becoming complacent. Then I eat more and more, with the result that I weigh more than before. And I'm shocked because I didn't think I ate that much, or that the food contained so many calories. It was a combination of denial and ignorance.

That's why I am reluctant to celebrate letting go of some of my extra weight. (I now officially celebrate my use of the term "letting go" of weight - yay for me!! It is a very freeing phrase for me.) The result is not as important as the way I am operating this time. This time, I'm tracking calories and getting a major education in how what I eat really DOES matter. I'm changing HOW I eat, the process by which I release extra weight that no longer serves me, and gaining badly needed information.

Usually, I am unable to achieve my goals because I don't quite know how to get there. I lack key information, as well as willingness and clear-sightedness about my actual situation. SparkPeople is giving me the information I need.

Now I'll celebrate that I use the site just about every day (skipped one). That kind of consistency indicates to me that I am now completely willing to be accountable to myself and for my choices.

Celebration is vital for me to be willing to continue in anything. I need to feel some sense of accomplishment, some progress, or I will become unmotivated. So I celebrate the small steps, because they are the building blocks for reaching the larger goal.

Each big goal is made up of a ton of little ones. By reaching the little ones, I am closer to reaching the big one.

For example:

* By sticking to a calorie plan each day - one goal - I'm putting together the building blocks for letting go of one pound. And each pound released brings me closer to my goal of living at a healthy weight.

* Each day I stick to my calorie plan, I gain more experience in healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle. That experience helps me get closer to my goal of consistently living a healthy life.

So "YAY FOR ME!!!"

How do you celebrate YOUR wins?

about political leanings

2008-10-14T16:55:00.002-04:00

This week's Scientific American e-letter contains the article "Political Science: What Being Neat or Messy Says about Political Leanings" and asks the question: Do genes determine whether you'll be liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican?

The most fascinating paragraph for me is this:

Positive personality traits associated with liberalism (self-reliant, resilient, dominating and energetic) and negative ones attributed to conservatism (easily victimized or offended, indecisive, fearful and rigid) appear as young as nursery school–age kids—and correlate with those children's political beliefs in adulthood, according to a 20-year study published in 2006 in the Journal of Research in Personality. More recently, scientists linked the strength of a person's startle response to their political leanings: conservatives tended to scare easier, blinking harder than liberals when they heard a loud noise.

Are there any positive traits associated with conservatism, and negative ones associated with liberalism? I mean, it looks so much better to be a liberal. In fact, most of the liberal traits are those so often advocated by conservatives when arguing with us liberals about what (if any) social programs are needed to help poor, disadvantaged people. For example, I read "self-reliant" as "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!" and "dominating" as "we need a strong military."

Interesting that conservatives are "easily victimized or offended" in pre-school. We see that in Sarah Palin and John McCain's blaming the "liberal media elite" for "manipulating" how Palin appeared on CBS and ABC interviews. As if her answers didn't speak for themselves! She is to all appearances an idiot. Maybe an idiot-savant, in the sense that she excels at performance. (The pageant training paid off!)

If these are indeed the traits of conservatives, I'm not surprised that McCain and gang are using typical bully tactics against Obama. The victim does often become the victimizer, as we know. The bullies I know are so mean when trying to get their way, and then dissolve into tears and "I'll tell my Mommy!" when they are challenged by someone stronger. It's all there in pre-school!

Is there hope for conservatives? Can we help them grow up and accept reality, rather than wishing it were different? Will they ever see that life is messy and constantly changing, and the key to happiness is to go with it?

about the economy

2008-09-30T10:32:00.001-04:00

I'm eternally grateful to be on disability right now, and to have a house that does have equity because I bought it so low.

I wrote to my family: "That means my resources are your resources, too, oh family of mine. So let's not worry, let's keep taking the next step, being prudent in our plans, and trust in God."

My experience convinces me that worry doesn't do anything, except cause stress, anger, taking it out on people we really love, and then guilt and remorse. Action and planning and faith are my antidotes to worry. I wish them for you, too.

about Ultimate Leadership Camp

2008-09-24T09:40:00.002-04:00

My colleague Gary says 'sometimes the universe is waiting for us to catch up." Gary also said "sometimes we forget that we have to do the 3 days in the tomb before we are reborn."

I just did my 3 days at Peak Potentials Ultimate Leadership Camp, coming face to face with my physical self and its limitations. I pushed myself way too hard and ended up having a physical and emotional meltdown. One wonderful man helped me through it and I was able to finally admit the extent of my abilities (far less than they were five years ago!), ask for help, and receive it. I ended up in a wheelchair and allowed three men to actually carry it (despite my misgivings about my weight being too much for them). I ceased feeling guilty for not being able to participate in everything, and instead saw how I could participate and contribute within my abilities.

My key takeaways are:

* I am a person with ability, and it's my responsibility to care for myself so I can be fully present for my team and myself - no drama.

* People come forward to help me when I ask.

Those were the big ones, along with many others smaller in scope. For example, it was men who immediately came forward to help me when I had my meltdown. They weren't afraid of me. Women initially were either angry or afraid. So now I realize it is possible for me to have what I want with a man.

When I am myself, I allow people to see my humanity and vulnerability. And finally I understand that if they like what they see then, they will love the easier parts of me. Instead of trying to "behave" all the time, I am committing to myself that I will be myself.

"Trust your intuition. The universe is guiding your life."

about naive Democrats and others

2008-09-10T10:23:00.004-04:00

I visited Collins Watch, a blog on Susan Collins (R), junior Senator from Maine. It fascinated me to learn that Collins is so weak on issues of concern to Mainers, yet she was elected Senator.

How do the Republicans do it? It's as though people are really naive - when someone lies to us, we say "oh, they couldn't be lying!" and choose to be deceived.

It's a mystery to me how so many people get sucked in by the manipulation and distortion of reality. I'm then infuriated by the all-too-common scenario that people, when presented with facts that contradict their beliefs, get angry at the messenger.

I strive for more understanding about how people's brains and emotions interact - or not.

about Jill Bolte Taylor's "Stroke of Insight"

2008-09-09T22:25:00.005-04:00

There is an amazing video everyone should watch, on Ted.com. Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain researcher, discusses her own stroke and its lessons. Go to www.ted.com for this very powerful 18 minutes. Her observations about right/left brain foci are so closely related to the burgeoning literature on "being in the now" a la Eckhardt Tolle.

"Focus on the now" is a tool I use with friends and colleagues to calm anxiety and encourage happiness. Where are you right now? There are no worries in the now. If you are fully in the now, it's possible to make choices based on gut instinct - because you can hear your gut speak (that brain in our intestinal tract...?). Beginning exactly where we are in the present allows us to make more realistic plans for reaching our goals. Appreciating what we have now allows us to be happy NOW, and continue to be so in the future - because the future is always now. It does work.

One thing fascinates me: Alcoholics Anonymous has a ton of sayings and tools to help people recover from active alcoholism and learn to live sober. One of the key slogans is "One Day at a Time," sometimes "one minute at a time." The core message is that it's possible to not drink for one 24 hour period, even if it's not possible to imagine not drinking for the rest of your life. As people stay sober, a day at a time, for longer periods, that message is applicable to every situation in life. The Al-Anon program for families of alcoholics has a little pamphlet called "Just For Today" that reminds readers that "just for today, I can handle almost anything" (a bad paraphrase). Basically, if you look at where your feet are today, right now, you're OK.

People only stop drinking when drinking stops working. Booze helps alcoholics be unselfconscious and comfortable in one's skin. It lessens one's shyness or self-criticism. Is alcohol then a mechanism to shut off the left brain? To allow one to lose oneself in the ethereal connectedness Jill Bolte Taylor describes?

Can it be that the tool "one day at a time" allows a recovering alcoholic to activate the right brain and achieve the same kind of release that alcohol once promised, sort of delivered on, and then ripped away?

about (vice) presidential machinations

2008-09-09T15:42:00.003-04:00

I participated in something called Veepstakes on Facebook, and Sarah Palin was the 3rd highest ranked Veep possibility for the Republicans. Apparently, Jane and Joe Public have a better sense of who could be selected than the pundits! In the Veepstakes, we got fake money to buy shares in the Veep candidates we thought were most likely to be selected (not who we liked!). I did buy Palin shares and made "money" on her!

Anyway, it caused me to read a bit about her - long before she was actually nominated - and I was impressed by her taking on the Republican establishment and oil interests. What I didn't like was her social politics. I still don't.

I also don't like how politics manages to make us choose sides and then often to demonize the other side. My experience of many Republicans is that they are very hostile to any questions or criticism of their positions. I've been shocked this election by the overt hostility expressed toward Obama by some of my long-time pals, and distressed by what I experience as a knee-jerk defense of Sarah Palin - LONG BEFORE KNOWING MUCH ABOUT HER!

I do respect that Palin has been in executive positions, regardless of their size. Having run organizations myself, I know that it does make a difference when you run something. I also worked with community organizers and in NYC government, so have some perspective on both of those arenas as well.

In my experience, community organizers learn more about how government actually works than almost anybody else in the world but some of those who actually are in government. I say "some of those" because there are many who just do their jobs and aren't aware of the levers of power and change. Organizers have to be aware of those things. So I'll say that Obama's background prepares him extremely well to be President.

Palin's management experience is irrelevant, anyway. She wouldn't be running anything except the VP's office. She wouldn't run the Senate; they have a Majority Leader and a Rules Committee to do that. All she could do is open sessions and break tie votes. Period. McCain would be President and he'll have a Chief of Staff who will actually manage the White House.

In a way, the way Obama has run his campaign tells me he's a much better manager than either of them. His people are very cohesive and in alignment. And clearly he's selected a great campaign manager (emphasis added!) He knows he doesn't need to be strong in everything and he's brought on people to complement him, so that the entire team is competent and capable of handling what comes along. But that's irrelevant, too.

Being President is sort of like perpetually being in campaign mode - pushing your agenda; persuading voters, legislators, the media, advocates, etc. of the rightness of your positions; and getting things passed. Then it's on to the next issue for the President. Cabinet Secretaries and their staff will be the ones actually managing the implementation of the various elements of any legislated change.

If it comes down to it, my opinion is that all 4 candidates probably are equally "managerially" qualified to be President. So the crux of the matter for me is their positions on key issues.

I believe strongly that we'll go backwards under McCain - in terms of our economy, our world position, and social policy. It's impossible for me to ever vote for someone who opposes choice of any kind because that's about abridging freedom rather than spreading it.

about the 2008 Presidential election

2008-09-09T15:32:00.003-04:00

I believe that a woman's right to choose and gay rights should not be political issues - they are about individual choices. If the Republicans would only agree that "market forces" and "states' rights" were applicable to these issues, I'd not have such a problem with them.

It troubles me that the Republican party favors constitutional amendments abridging rights. The forces of expanding rights and equality come from the ground up, and our country has a history of expansion in those areas. The 13th, 14th, 19th, 24th, 26th constitutional amendments about people's rights have been about more rights - emancipation, women's suffrage, voting rights.

A friend recently spoke with Maine Senator Susan Collins, who told her not to worry about Roe v Wade ever being overturned. How then does she reconcile with the Republican platform, then? It's a scary one in terms of choice and gay rights. I looked at the platform and found these items:

We support a human life amendment to the Constitution, and we endorse legislation to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment's protections apply to unborn children. (p. 52)

Because our children's future is best preserved within the traditional understanding of marriage, we call for a constitutional amendment that fully protects marriage as a union of a man and a woman, so that judges cannot make other arrangements equivalent to it. (p. 53)

My understanding is that the candidate agrees to the platform and has a key role in shaping it. This would be the agenda for a Republican administration.

So while Susan Collins may well be right (and I hope and pray she is!!!), this IS the stated agenda for McCain and Palin, and the folks electing them will be voting for this agenda. That's what I object to so strenuously.

It was strange reading the Republican platform (which is at www.gopplatform2008.com if you're interested). In addition to there being a lot of histrionic, hyperbolic language, there was an almost laughable misquoting of the Declaration of Independence:

As the Declaration of Independence states, our rights are endowed to us by our Creator and are inalienable: rights to life, liberty, and property. (p. 17)

The actual text is this:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Text of Declaration of Independence

I think this use of the word "property" instead of "happiness" reflects the Republican Party's focus on getting "more" of "what's mine." It's so fear-based. Sad and scary.

about self-awareness

2008-09-03T12:48:00.001-04:00

It was pretty painful to learn how to be self-aware. For a long time, I felt self-conscious about being self-aware. It was as if I were looking over my own shoulder, both observing and judging my actions. The yardstick against which I judged myself was often pretty harsh - usually it was my idea of what was "perfect." Of course, over time the external yardstick went away as I internalized the principles of the program and began to live my values.

Perhaps the self-consciousness was a necessary stage in my development; after all, I'd been pretty unconscious for many years. I followed the direction of my emotions and impulses, rarely making choices and rebelling against the very process of making a pro and con list when faced with a big decision.

For example, I decided on a graduate school based on a Tarot reading and a fear that a major catastrophe would hit the West Coast while I was there. Never mind that both West Coast schools gave me free tuition and a scholarship to cover other expenses, while the mid-west school did neither. I chose the mid-west, and then talked my way into getting a teaching assistantship which included free tuition. I was so proud of myself for successfully overcoming the financial hurdle!

Today, I think that it was such a great example of my always needing to prove that I could handle the hard stuff, and choosing the harder path simply because it was harder. I hope that today I would make a more thoughtful decision about where to go to graduate school, based on a lot of factors and informed by a lot of information.

Self-awareness is second nature to me now - something I continually develop through reading, praying, meditation, writing, talking to friends, examining my behavior through "spot check inventories," and getting feedback from others who may see me more clearly.

I do filter that feedback through my gut to determine if it fully applies to me. My gut instinct is usually pretty accurate. The more information I have, the more accurate it is. I've learned to trust it. I do know that the information I most resist is that which I most need to heed; I most often reject the truth. When I feel a little bristly, it's a sign now that I need to examine the statement or observation. That's real self-awareness - being onto myself and my techniques for
avoiding awareness of myself!

about hearing and listening

2008-08-27T17:00:00.000-04:00

Really "hearing" someone can be a very powerful tool for liberating myself from the tyranny of fear of other people's moods and emotions.

For me, to really "hear" somebody is to listen so carefully to their words and tone of voice, to observe their body language and "listen" to the unspoken message, to open my heart to them and have an attitude of compassion and love.

I must use my active listening skills to truly hear what another is saying - suspending my own emotions for the moment to make sure I've not jumped to the wrong conclusion based on incomplete or misinterpreted information, and asking questions like "I heard you say this. Is that what you said or intended to say?" If the other person does say or do something hurtful, there is always time for me to consider how I want to respond. First, I need to ensure that I have heard what they intend to say, without my preconceptions and unexamined filters getting in the way.

An interesting example of this came last summer when my twin sister was pretty snippy with and rude to me. You'd think I know her long enough to understand some of her patterns...but no, I am often too caught up in my fear of her and her anger. Anyway, all of a sudden it occurred to me to ask her how her day was, instead of doing what I usually do which is retreat into a self-protective space. She ended up venting a whole lot of stuff about her work, helped by my questions and quiet listening. When she was done, she felt better and was no longer "crabby Patty." And I felt incredibly free - from fear of her, from my mood being dependent on her mood, from feeling powerless in her company.

That freedom would not be mine had I continued just to listen to the surface stuff - the rudeness and shortness of temper directed toward me. Instead I didn't take it on. Rather, I "heard" that there was something going on that had nothing to do with me that was somehow causing her to behave badly toward me.

While I don't like it when she takes her stuff out on me, I have built on that experience to overcome my immediate feeling of dread ("oh what did I do now to upset her that I'm not aware of and will be punished for") and retreat into hurt feelings or umbrage or fear. The feeling still comes up, but I now ask her a question about how work is going. If work is OK, I'll say "oh, you seem a little stressed so I wondered if everything was OK." And then she generally opens up about whatever it is that is bothering her. I can remember just one time over the past year when I've been "the cause" of her unpleasant behavior.

about Turning 50

2008-07-30T15:55:00.003-04:00

I'm not feeling particularly grateful about turning 50 this summer. In fact, I've been downright depressed. It feels like I'm headed downhill from here, especially given my physical disability.

Then I read a group post about "Gratitude" and realize I am engaged in the "poor me's." That attitude is guaranteed to bring me down even further.

So what can I be grateful about?

1) I've been alive 50 whole years!
2) I have 50 years of experience, strength and hope to share with others - and even hopefully some wisdom.
3) Happiness is definitely my choice today - and I know how to choose to be happy after so many years of despair, anger and fear.

There is so much more for which I am grateful, including family and friends, home and work, my cats and garden, books and computers, and just about everything else that is possible.

I'm grateful to my on-line group for helping me remember that happiness is a choice, and that being grateful is the quickest road to happiness.

about Albert Memmi and The Colonizer & the Colonized

2008-07-29T12:12:00.002-04:00

Talking to a friend today reminded me of The Colonizer and the Colonized . I read it in college and it has stayed with me for more than 30 years. The key thought I took away is that the oppressed often in turn become oppressors once they gain power.

Here's a quote detailing that conclusion from Answers.com:

Citing colonization as a variant of fascism, Memmi especially reacts to the decolonization of North Africa in 1956, but states that the dynamics are similar in any colonial system. In his view, although minority populations are exploited under colonial governments, once they gain their freedom and gain political and economic power they in turn become the exploiters.

My friend is dealing with a former employer, trying to get a severance payment after being summarily dismissed without notice or cause. The employer is a small company owned by a Jewish family. My friend is an African-American woman. Her claim is that she would not have been treated this way had she been a white man. In my view, her case is pretty clearly just, since another former employee of this firm - a white man - received ample time and payment when he was turned down for partner. However, the company owners refuse to pay her anything. And she will not give up because she believes that part of their thinking is "how dare this little black girl demand anything from us?" This clash has dragged on for almost seven months.

I was reminded of Memmi because of the cast of characters: male Jewish owners who have economic power and an African-American woman who does not. Both parties come from groups that historically have been horribly oppressed and subject to genocidal treatment by powerful white people, Christians and Muslims. It appears to me that there is a classic Memmi-like relationship here, with representatives of a (relatively) newly powerful oppressed group exerting its power over another oppressed group. Perhaps it is the typical male/female gender oppression is mostly at play here, yet I believe there definitely is an ethno/racial dynamic at play.

And the WASP male is not touched by any of it.

about Trust and Betrayal

2008-07-15T15:23:00.003-04:00

I was badly betrayed in a work situation and so was intensely interested in Mauricio Delgado's fascinating article on the Scientific American website on the topic "when someone betrays us, how does the brain deal with it?"

The development of trust is an essential social tool, allowing people to form productive and meaningful relationships, both at a professional and personal level. Bonds of trust are also extremely fragile, however and a single act of betrayal—such as a marital affair—can instantly erase years of trustworthy behavior. The consequences of such breaches in confidence can be disastrous, and not only for a relationship. People who have been betrayed in the past will sometimes start avoiding future social interactions, which is a potential precursor to social phobia.

In light of these connections, recent research has attempted to elucidate the neural mechanisms underlying trust behavior. This is the goal of an exciting new study by neuroscientist Thomas Baumgartner and colleagues at the University of Zurich in Germany that combines different disciplines (economics and neuroscience) and methodologies (neuroimaging and neuropharmacology) to investigate how the brain adapts to breaches of trust.

Apparently, oxytocin (a hormone recognized for its role in social attachment and facilitation of social interactions) facilitates trust behavior.

The study demonstrates how oxytocin can facilitate social interactions after trust has been violated, by potentially lowering defense mechanisms associated with social risks and by overcoming negative feedback that is important for adapting behavior in the future...Lower levels of oxytocin in some situations may certainly be adaptive, as a person will become more wary of possible harm. Higher levels of oxytocin, however, may also be necessary at times to allow an individual to “forgive and forget,” an imperative step in maintaining long-term relationships and mental well-being.

What is the end result of this? An "anti-betrayal" drug? I wonder if it's better to feel and process the betrayal - instead of looking for a "magic bullet" substance like oxytocin. I wonder if we manufacture oxytocin as we work on forgiving those who betrayed us. It would be interesting to know what happens to our oxytocin levels over time as we move beyond the betrayal.

about GREEN TV

2008-07-15T15:05:00.002-04:00

A recent article on the Scientific American website says that some flat screen TVs draw more power than a large refrigerator.

According to The Wall Street Journal’s Rebecca Smith, a 42-inch plasma TV set can draw more power than a large refrigerator, even if the TV is only used a few hours a day. Smith recommends green consumers consider the Liquid Crystal Display (LCD) models, which typically uses less energy than comparable plasma sets.

According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), a 28-inch conventional cathode-ray tube (CRT) set uses about 100 watts of electricity. A 42-inch LCD set might consume twice that amount, while plasma could use five times as much, depending on the model and the programming. For the largest screen sizes (60 inches and up), projection TVs are the most energy efficient, clocking in at 150-200 watts—significantly less than the energy a plasma set would use.

Of course, the greenest option of all (aside from getting out from in front of that tube and spending more time outdoors) is to keep or repair your existing CRT unit (a digital-to-analog converter will be needed after February 2009 when new signal specifications go into effect). Most CRT sets use less energy than any of the LCD or plasma models, and if it ain’t broke, why fix it? Buying a new TV, even a greener one, only generates more pollution in production and transport, and creates waste in junking the old model.

Luckily for us consumers, beginning in November 2008, TVs will start displaying "Energy Star" labels. So if we're determined to buy an LCD to save floor space, we can identify the greener choices.

about editing

2008-06-18T12:18:00.002-04:00

My mom told me this advertising adage: "the strongest human urge is the compulsion to change another's copy."

Thank goodness there is a function called "editor" for those of us who can't resist that urge! I'm editing so many things these days - resumes and cover letters, political letters, my own writing.

It's so satisfying to see a well-crafted piece of writing. I find myself smiling - the sign that I am in the flow.

about living in the now, just for today

2008-06-11T12:49:00.002-04:00

I love this slogan and way of life. I needed help and permission to focus on the here and now instead of obsessing about the past and fearing the future.

Permission first - it seemed like such a luxury to be in the now. But what about all those things I did that I thought I needed to replay over and over in my mind to find yet one more thing or word I did wrong? How could I let that go? What a burden that is, to lug around self-recrimination and second-guessing.

And how could I stop projecting into the future? I wouldn't be prepared! And even more disasters could happen than I even dreamed of! I kept trying to think about all the possible consequences to some event or behavior (especially of other people...). If I could only envision the future, then I could protect against it. I could be safe. To unload that fear seemed the height of irresponsibility. I didn't even know how heavily fear weighed on me until I shucked it off to stay in the present.

I got permission from wise people to lay down the burdens of the past and future. All of a sudden I could stand up straight, look around me, and see as if for the first time the wonderful people, places and things in my life today.

I did and do need help to stay in today. My default behavior when I'm stressed still is to pick up the past or the future. And I get even more stressed. So it's great to have people in my life who remind me to be here now and live in today.

Last week, I experienced the consequences of not being fully present when I fell off a retaining wall in my back yard. I was looking at some plants, thinking about something or other, stepped back - and boom! I wasn't seriously injured, just enough to cause some huge bruises and pain. And it brought home to me how important it is to notice where my feet are, to be in the now.

about dating

2008-05-22T10:49:00.005-04:00

I subscribe to all sorts of things including an astrological guide from Bethea Jenner ( myhealthwealthandhappiness.com). Usually, I simply skim the forecasts as I find:

a) they are too general to do me any specific good, and
b) most of the advice directs me to live my life according to principles I already use as much as possible

Basically, the forecasts good reminders for me to continue to use these tools, and that I am on the right path in life.

However, her letters often contain interesting stories and lessons. This one particularly resonated, as I am preparing to embark on the "dating path" once again.

Dear Julia,

This week I decided to share a story involving today's changing dating etiquette, as I think it brings up some information that many of us could benefit from. A few months back, one of my clients came to me for advice regarding a man she had met through an Internet dating service. They had been communicating for a while and had decided to meet in person. My client was a little concerned about the best and safest way to do that.

It can be a daunting step to meet a potential suitor in person when your sole communication has been via the telephone or computer. This type of scenario seems more and more common in the dating world and, as a result, Julia, I think it is wise to take some basic practical and protective measures in such situations. I shared them with my client and now I would like to share with you.

First, do not get into a car with someone you've only had interaction with over the Internet and/or telephone, and do not tell that person where you live. It is a much better idea to schedule an initial face-to-face meeting in a very public place. I also recommend informing a friend or family member about the details of this first meeting, such as where you are going and what time you expect to return. Try to keep a clear head by not indulging in alcohol, and pay your half of any bill incurred for meals or the cinema, etc. Last but not least, follow your instinct and gut feelings in such situations, regardless of how nice a person may seem outwardly.

My client later told me how grateful she was for my advice. She felt better just having practical information to follow. Apparently, her planned date didn't work out. However, she followed these same guidelines with other potential dating suitors and did meet a gentleman who turned out to be someone she connected with and felt good about. The last time I spoke with her, she reported that they had been "real-life" dating for two months and that it was going well.

Julia, this dating advice is good for both males and females. The Internet is a great place to meet a variety of people, but common sense and a few protective measures can make for a better meeting and help avoid a negative or dangerous situation. I hope that you will find this information useful and will share it with others who do use the Internet as a social network.

Now, please take some time out to look over your Health, Wealth and Happiness Report to see what the week holds for you.

Until next week,
Bethea

I like the practical nature of her story and advice. It goes along with my growing awareness that my dating will be more successful the more I trust myself. By success, I mean that I will be able to quickly sniff out the losers (my weakness) and move on, and that I will be able to identify someone with whom I could develop a lasting, loving relationship.

Recently, I became aware that I hide my vulnerability from many people. I'll talk about issues when I feel sufficiently strong to withstand criticism or an unexpectedly negative or harsh response to my expressing a feeling. Especially I protect with great passion my anger and sadness.

It's extremely rare for me to lose my temper in front of anyone. I can count the times on one hand that I've felt anger in the moment and expressed it right then and there. My sister is the only one who's seen it - in actuality, she is the only one who generates that kind of response in me. With other folks, I withdraw and process it, then present it nicely packaged and controlled as a "feeling I am still working through."

The same goes for sadness and grief. I cry alone, only rarely calling someone in the middle of my tears. It takes me a while to realize that I can call someone, that I don't have to be alone with my pain. And then I spend a good amount of time mentally reviewing the list of people I could possibly call, rejecting most as not giving me the kind of sympathetic response I want and need. Eventually, I might happen on someone who I think will "be nice to me" and also available. Then I call and may be relieved if I get their answering machine. I can count on two hands the number of times in my adult life I have persisted in order to talk to someone. That's 27 years we're talking!

A successful love relationship will involve my willingness to express these feelings in the moment and trust that the other person will be there with kindness, love, support, patience, acceptance - eventually at least. My sadness needs immediate kindness. My anger needs someone to really listen and hear me. Because my anger generally is about someone willfully and persistently misinterpreting me or being unkind/cruel to someone I love.

The question for me is can I be there for myself when I don't get the response I crave? At Train the Trainer, I abandoned myself in some way when I surrendered my power to that woman who was interrupting and criticizing my presentation. My tears were about being hurt and misunderstood and betrayed. And they were also about my caring so much about what the other people thought. I was unable to say "she's messed up, and I know I'm doing a good job, and I don't need her approval, just move on." That is being there for myself.

Thinking further on this, let me be kinder to myself. I did recover relatively quickly, and I did show my vulnerability in public, so there are points for me. I suppose I can take from that experience the realization that the point is not to NOT feel the feelings, NOT express the feelings. The point is what do I do with them, how do I care for myself when I get hurt - because I will continue to be hurt as long as I'm alive, like it or not. I don't like it and I guess I'm starting to tell myself the truth that it doesn't matter if I like it, I can accept it, and give myself a pat on the back for using all the tools I know to process the feeling in the moment.

As I learn to trust myself to take care of myself, I become more able to be in an intimate love relationship.

That's the goal anyway. More shall be revealed!

About the 10 Most Important Questions

2008-05-14T14:46:00.000-04:00

These are the questions deemed most important for the world today by fifteen hundred people in 39 countries. Conversation Week 2008, sponsored by Conversation Cafe , involved people all over the globe discussing these questions. It's the beginning of a way to change thinking around the world and get ordinary people involved in setting the agenda for our future.

1) How can we best prepare our children for the future?

2) What does sustainability look like to you? How do we get there?

3) How do humans need to adapt to survive the changes predicted for this century?

4) How do we shift from "Me" to "We" on both the local and global levels?

5) How can you, as Gandhi said, be the change that you want to see in the world?

6) What kind of economic structures can best support a shift to sustainable living?

7) How should we re-invent the political process so that people feel that they have a voice?

8) What kind of leadership does the world need now?

9) How can we balance our personal needs with the most pressing needs of our community and the larger world?

10) What can we do to reduce or eliminate violence in the world?

I participated in a conversation on Global MindShift about these and related topics.

To me, the critical step is to go from talking to action. I'm a practical visionary, a pragmatic dreamer. How we get from where we are now to where we want to be: that's what fascinates me.

It's not enough to envision a new world. We need a plan, a bunch of strategies for change that take as a given the world as it is today, now. Accepting the world on its own terms is not giving up, either. It's simply acknowledging that there is a starting point. While I do get depressed sometimes when I think about all that is not right with the world (in my humble opinion!), I remember that we have to start with what IS - including what's going right. Let's build on our successes.

The Alinsky school of community organizing focused on organizers developing local leadership by first identifying small, winnable fights based on immediate problems in people's lives. Is there a street light that is always broken? OK, let's organize around that. It's possible to identify who is responsible for street lights in the town or city. We can make the case for making sure the light is always working - what are the consequences of a broken light? And we can put pressure on the person responsible, via writing letters, asking for meetings, possibly going to the press if we don't get a response. Then if the fight is won, the group can determine if they want to go further to fight for something else they identify as a need for their commuity. It's building on their success and the energy they get from that win.

We can use a similar approach to changing the world.

about conflict

2008-05-14T12:23:00.000-04:00

I remember approaching my advisor in graduate school to say that I wanted to come up with a theory of political and social change that was conflict-free. She laughed so derisively, saying that it was impossible because conflict was and always had been with us. It really dashed my confidence. Yet I continue to believe that there is a way for humans to interact that is less painful.

Maybe conflict is inevitable, simply because people have different experiences, needs, opinions, interests. And those come into conflict at times. I think you mean something when you mean something else. We both want that piece of land. Like three year olds who both want that special toy at the same time and don't know how to share or take turns. I don't mean to minimize it by saying that but I do think that like children, humanity is still growing up and learning how to share and take turns. We're not there yet. The question for me is, will we ever be? I hope so!

One truism I challenge is that people battle over scarce resources. To the contrary, those with the least are often the most generous. I've seen parents go hungry so that their children can eat, and groups of people share a meager meal. Sure there are some hoarders, but they are exceptions at the soup kitchen or food pantry. What troubles me more is the people who already have so much who just want more, more, more. The pursuit of material goods and of quantity can blind these people to the fact that they live in a world with others who also have needs. How much is enough? It's a soul-sickness that puts them in conflict with others. Healing that sickness could heal the conflict.

Another kind of conflict is when we come from such different places that it's hard to understand each other. To do so requires patience and communication and a willingness to listen to another's point of view and to accept that their views and interests and needs are equally valid, and the stamina to keep explaining my own perspective in ways that the other might understand. I've spent lots of time talking to men about my perspective as a woman, with varying degrees of success. One thing I need is the comfort of other women, respite from the struggle. That's something that most people need, I think - a place where there is no conflict or struggle - a place to rest and get ready to go back into the fray. Without that rest, violence may be more likely.

So I admit that conflict is a necessary fact of the human condition. It's useful, however, only if it can be resolved amicably. And that resolution can be into a new phase of being or consciousness, to a compromise, to some win/win agreement, or agreeing to disagree or to live and let live. I have found that the best "teachers" in my life are the difficulties I've faced, the things that challenge my self-perception and capabilities, the pain that's forced me to change something internal and/or external. Because I really want contentment and serenity, I am willing to push through the process toward amicable internal resolution.

The books Getting to Yes and Getting Past No do offer methods for getting a win-win resolution to business and personal conflicts. Active listening is my favorite tool - really listening to what the other person wants and needs. I'm reminded that negotiations are between people, not between companies or nations per se. And what I read about the best negotiators - the ones who actually make progress in resolving conflicts like in Northern Ireland (what a beacon of hope that is!) - is that they listen, help each side to listen to each other, and have no preset agenda other than to help the two sides come to some amicable and mutually acceptable and beneficial agreement. So it's not about eliminating conflict, it's about accepting it and then working with it from there.

I recently read a story about a woman making the best out of a nasty conflict with her ex-husband around their child. I was impressed by how well she dealt with the situation, bringing love, compassion and willingness to "see" her ex's perspective. I put "see" in quotes because what she did is deeper than visual. She actually allowed herself to experience his possible feelings.

In conflict situations, that may be the most important element to defusing a situation. When one is able to extend beyond one's own feelings to imagine how the other person may be feeling, something is unlocked and generosity can happen. I don't know if I'm expressing this well, so let me try explaining.

I'm reminded of the lesson that if I put my hand in the candy jar and take a huge handful of candy, I can't get my hand out and am left with a fistful of candy that I'm unable to eat (let's ignore the question of whether I should be eating candy at all!). If I open my fist and let go of the huge amount of candy, instead using my fingers to pick out one or two pieces, then I have some candy to eat. My appetite for something sweet is satisfied. Perhaps my greed isn't satisfied nor is my deepest appetite to have as much candy as possible so I never feel hunger again. That's OK, because my experience is that once I have the one or two pieces of candy, I'm satisfied and the deep hunger is abated. Also, there is plenty of candy left for someone else to have some. When I "need" the candy, I can't bear the thought of anyone else getting any, and I will hang on to that candy jar for dear life and refuse to share - until I have some candy. Then I realize that I can get what I want and "need" and so can other people. I have to relinquish my hold on the jar in order to eat the candy I have taken, which leaves it open to someone else.

In so much of my experience and reading, I am struck by the real need we humans have to be heard - truly heard. Lots of the conflict resolution training I've gone through for work has emphasized "active listening" as a tool for defusing conflict. I have often used it with great success, after having my first live experience with it go extremely well. I had a conflict with the staff lawyer about how to process contracts (I worked for a government agency in NYC). We made an appointment to talk, and I began by laying out what I thought our conflict was about. Then I checked with her - "is that your perception? If not, would you tell me what you think the problem is?" And when she clarified her perspective, I then repeated it back to her and asked if that was what she said. Throughout the entire conversation, I used that active listening tool of mirroring back her words to her and checking to see if I had heard her correctly. I literally could see her relaxing moment by moment. She came to trust that I would not make any assumptions, that I respected her viewpoint, that I wanted to partner with her to come up with a reasonable solution. And we did negotiate a terrific agreement. Plus, our future relationship improved dramatically.

I learned those tools in a workshop run by a psychologist and an engineer - a great team, and exemplary of the kind of people who can often come into conflict - a "feeling" person and a "techie" person. Watching them was inspirational. Then they said that the tools they taught were powerful enough that all it took was one person in a dyad to use them in order to have a great and productive conversation. And that has been true for me.

It takes a deep kind of willingness and generosity to have that kind of conversation and have an outcome that results in both people getting most of what they want. I find that the goodwill that's generated more than makes up for what I may perceive I've "lost" by not getting all I initially wanted (perhaps my initial greediness for getting everything!).

In college I took a class in Middle-Eastern Politics taught by a professor who had quite Zionist leanings. At the beginning of the class, most of us students were pro-Israel. By the end, we were 50/50, meaning more sympathetic to the Palestinian perspective. While the professor was visibly upset by this outcome, I see now that there could have been no other outcome simply because we now had more information about BOTH sides. We could now see both sides.

My final paper was on Palestinian poetry and its expression of nationalism. I still remember the passion for the land itself embodied in the poetry. It convinced me that no solution to the conflict was possible without Palestinians getting land back, the actual land of Palestine. I also know that Israel must continue to exist on the historical land of Israel. While it seems like an irresolvable problem because both sides lay claim to the same land, I wonder if both sides have their fist balled up tight inside the candy jar. What if each accepted the reality that both need some of the land presently occupied by both? Palestinians give up the right of return while Israelis give up settlements in the West Bank? That's basically what is coming about. Maybe it's possible because people on each side have recognized within the other a similar emotional and spiritual need, putting themselves in the other's shoes (and heart and mind and soul).

It takes a lot of strength to do that, as it has for Israelis and Palestinians to propose compromise based on emotional reality and compassion. And unfortunately people have quite violent reactions to such loving responses. Is that insecurity? Fear of somehow losing something they have or not getting what they want? Or that the conflict remains preferable to resolution? I venture that when we get sick and tired of the conflict, we are more willing to explore resolution, more willing to open our hearts and consider alternatives.

It's perhaps a little selfish, this seeking of an end to conflict and anger and punishment. Because when I am angry at someone, the anger hurts me far more than it hurts the other person - my stomach hurts, I can't go places because the other person will be there, I have headaches, whatever. Resolving the anger, letting it go, engaging in forgiveness - all of those benefit me. And I do believe they benefit the universe by putting more resolution, love, compassion etc into the ether.

about Goethe and the paradox of self-awareness

2008-05-14T12:22:00.001-04:00

"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street." Goethe, Iphigenia auf Tauris (II, 1, 140)

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." Goethe, Faust

It's very hard for people to see themselves as others see them. And very hard to be willing to hear other people's opinions of us. 360 assessments are probably the hardest and most courageous processes anyone can go through.

There's a paradox in that so many of us spend our lives trying to accept ourselves as we are and trust our instincts, yet also strive to improve ourselves and grow in self-awareness in part by observing our impact on other people. While it's important to be concerned about what others think of us, I also believe that there are so many people with so many opinions that we could go crazy if we tried to adapt ourselves to meet other people's expectations for us.

I've been in situations where my efforts to be self-aware and shift my behavior were seen as signs of weakness, as signs that I wasn't a good leader or visionary. I disagreed then and now, because to me, they were using an outmoded definition of leadership. At other times, those same people criticized me for NOT bending, not changing my stance, not adapting myself to their wishes. So I realized that I can only be who I am, and keep striving to improve according to my own timetable and abilities.

One great thing about getting an education (via reading, courses, talking with others) is that I have gained tools to use as I pursue my goals, tools that help me recognize for myself whether I am being visionary or managing well, etc. Also, for me, it's important that I keep listening to others while also relying on my inner self to gauge whether the feedback is accurate and/or whether I can/should/will do something with it.

about struggling to understand each other

2008-05-14T12:19:00.002-04:00

Once I participated in a group of white women who discussed our own internalized racism. Our intention was to continue indefinitely. We barely made it through the first meeting. The conversation was so charged, we simply could not sustain it. The level of conflict was so high, we could not work our way through it.
Being at once a political theorist and pragmatist, I wondered what happened and why. All I've been able to come up with was that the topic made each of us feel too vulnerable. And being vulnerable and afraid of being judged - while judging ourselves quite harshly already - we were more apt to feel criticized and judged. At least, that's what I experienced as did a good friend. Now, she and I were able to work our way through some of the feelings and conflict and misunderstanding in our dyad based on friendship and trust. And I came to some realizations about how hard it is to be free of perceptions and attitudes I gained through osmosis, through skin color privilege, through socio-economic privilege. Hard AND possible. And necessary in order to forge connections and grow.

In the larger group of six women, there was no foundation of trust. And we didn't spend enough time developing that foundation. We leapt right into the topic, and it was too sudden, too extreme, too frightening. We didn't even know what we wanted as an outcome - expiation of guilt? Expanded consciousness? Changed attitudes? And so there was no direction in which we were headed, leaving me at least feeling unsure of the terrain and terrified of making a mistake. It was as though I had two alternatives: beat on myself and allow others to do so, too; or feel self-righteously superior to those women who were REALLY racist. From the way the discussion went, it seemed that others felt only those two options, as well.

Small wonder we could barely talk to each other afterwards. It was a pretty brutal experience. I remember telling a story about my own internalized racism, and having another woman lace into me about how insensitive and horrible I was. I didn't know her very well and I was in my mid-20's so still pretty unversed in how to defuse conflict and deflect unwarranted attack. So I attacked back, and things went from bad to worse, both of us in tears and the group split into factions. It was kind of a metaphor for the larger society. I wish I had had the emotional and intellectual wherewithal and tools to ask her why she was attacking me, when all I was trying to do was expose an illness to the air in order to exorcise it. That was my intention anyway. But it was unspoken. I wish I had spoken my intention, and had asked others to state theirs. Let us establish a common ground first and then think through how to talk about this very sensitive topic.

Well, I learned a lot from that experience. One thing I learned is have the conversation with people I trust. And then I learned how important it is to just stay with the conversation, just continue trying to make myself clear, continue being as open and generous as I can, and acknowledge other people's viewpoints even as I am trying to get them to acknowledge mine. If the topic is important enough, it's worth the struggle. And I do sometimes need to go off from the fray to rest, think, recuperate, take my mind off it ("don't think and go to movies" is one of my favorite twisted 12-step slogans). Then when I return, I may have a new perspective, or maybe the other person will have shifted his/her perspective.

I tell this story because I think that the emergence of a new global consciousness will take place first in small groups, in localities, between intimates and among groups of people who are willing to trust in the process and share a vision of the outcome. And that will take hard work on our part. It's not easy to change our ways, much as we may like and crave change. Are we willing to be different? To do something different to get a different result?

about fundamentalism

2008-05-14T12:18:00.001-04:00

Fundamentalists scare me, to be honest. I grew up in a fairly religious Christian home, not overtly fundamentalist by any stretch of the imagination (whew!). Yet one conversation with my mother opened my eyes to the reality of the true believer in his or her own faith. Her understanding of the world is built on her fundamental belief that Jesus Christ is her saviour, and that she will be saved on Judgement Day because she believes that - and because she has tried to help others gain that same belief and salvation. Her world view is that there will be a Judgement Day and it will not be pretty, and it is her duty to help as many other people as possible to come to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died for our sins, and that He will come again - and we better be ready. She believes the whole ball of wax. (I think you can tell that I don't exactly buy it. I argued against anthropomorphizing God at age 11...not a popular view in confirmation class.) My father is a Lutheran minister and together they decided to be missionaries in Japan back around 1960 - to help save people. And it is their faith that prompted them to do that - to get other people to buy into their world view. It is sort of beyond their ken that other people would be OK if they didn't believe in Jesus. How could they be OK, when the only right way to believe and think and act is to be a Christian?

It has taken me so long to wrap my brain around this reality, because I see religion as rigid authoritarianism, structured to demand and get compliance, and to answer any questions within its own framework and worldview. Spirituality is quite another thing - something that is personal, individual, internal, always evolving - more like the Gnostic or Buddhist or 12-Step "traditions." And I see most, if not all, the major religions as containing similar kernels of spiritual belief. Who said "one truth, many paths" or something like that? It's the antithesis of fundamentalism, almost pantheistic or even agnostic, for it admits to questions and doubts and constant evolution and change in belief. And my spirituality is quite opposite to religion as it is so individual and inner-directed and focused.

Sometimes I think it would be great if everyone felt like I do. There's room for everyone, every belief, every spirit in this pool. Then I bump into cold hard reality, which is that there are fundamentalist groups all over the planet convinced that their path and beliefs are the only true and right beliefs and path. To my parents, their beliefs obligate them to proselytize and convert people, thereby swelling the ranks of the saved. To other fundamentalists, their beliefs obligate them to rid the planet of the disbelievers, or to punish and isolate the non-believers. And that is their world view. It is as fundamental to their sense of themselves as my spiritual beliefs are to me (well, probably more so for them, since I know my beliefs can and probably will continue shifting since I have no real dogma that I accept and obey). That's what scares me: the absolute certainty the fundamentalist has that a) his/her beliefs are the correct beliefs; and, b) s/he is doing me a favor by putting me out of my "misery" by either converting or eliminating me.

If this is the reality of fundamentalism, is it then possible for fundamentalists to see beyond their own beliefs? My parents have had to expand their views to a certain extent because their children have challenged that belief system in various ways. They've become more accepting of homosexuality, of women's rights, of choice. I think they see that some of this is - if not OK, then not bad and not to be condemned. They don't get it, they wouldn't do it, but it's not anti-Christ. So socially and politically, they've mellowed. But they have absolutely not mellowed on the fact that for them, the only way anyone is saved on Judgement Day is by sharing their belief in Christ, and they pity the poor non-believers. Pity actually is OK - at least it's not condemning non-believers to misery on earth, just in the after-life. They can't step outside their world-view because it is part of who they are. And so much of what we've talked about asks that we step outside of our own perspective to inquire about and explore the views of someone else, in order to "see" their side of it. Can fundamentalists do that? Or maybe the question is, will fundamentalists do that? Or even, under what circumstances might they?

Perhaps the answer lies in exposure to other realities, just as it has for my parents. There's a reason authoritarian, fundamentalist regimes prohibit free press and internet access.

about poverty and obesity

2008-05-14T12:16:00.000-04:00

This is my response to the New York Times piece "Census: New York Region Has Widest Income Gap" by Sam Roberts, August 28, 2007, 4:36 pm

Obesity can and does coexist with poverty, simply because in the developed and developing world the most filling, affordable and available foods are carbohydrates, fat-laden, and sugary. In fact, obesity might even be seen as a symptom of poverty in the developing and developed world.

Poor people make logical choices with their limited resources. Unfortunately, they don’t have as many choices as those who are better off. Low-income neighborhoods in NYC and elsewhere in the country have far fewer supermarkets and farmers’ markets, and far less green and recreational space than more affluent zip codes.

So it’s good news that there are new farmers’ markets opening in some of NYC’s poorest neighborhoods, and that NYS Dept. of Agriculture and Markets is working hard to expand acceptance of food stamps (aka The Food Card) at all farmers’ markets.

But wait! What about the 700,000+ people in NYC who are eligible for but not receiving food stamps? If everyone eligible for this agriculture/nutrition support entitlement program were to receive these non-welfare benefits, almost $1 billion would flow into NYC. That’s $1 billion of federal dollars. Talk about starting to get back in federal spending what NYC pays in taxes!
Now imagine those dollars flowing into NYC to be spent on food only. Imagine the supermarkets that could be located in low-income neighborhoods. Imagine the people who would be employed at those supermarkets. Imagine the taxes generated. Imagine the benefit to NYC of simply making sure that every eligible person gets what they are entitled to because of their income level.

Mayor Bloomberg rightly touts the Earned Income Tax Credit as a way to help families keep their heads above water and to contribute to NYC’s economy. So too are food stamps/the Food Card. Let’s stop thinking of them wrongly as welfare, and instead see them for what they are: a way to help those who don’t have big incomes at least get the nutrition they need to learn and work to their best ability.

— Posted August 30th, 2007 10:20 pm

about education and individual action for social change

2008-05-14T12:15:00.001-04:00

Educating people at all ages can help us make better choices. There's one interesting example I know about of how behavior changed and continues to change globally by building awareness through public education, working with kids, creating curriculum, and creating a new public conversation.

In Australia, a man named Ian Kiernan started raising awareness about the disgusting quality of our world's oceans after making an around-the-world sail. He was appalled by the garbage floating everywhere, propelled hundreds and thousands of miles from its sources via currents, as well as garbage dumped by municipalities, states, countries and sailors. So he got together with a bunch of folks in Sydney to do something in their own backyard - operating on the principle that we first need to take care of what's right in front of us. The "Clean Up the Harbour" day in 1989 unexpectedly became this huge effort involving hundreds of people, who it seemed had been hungry for someone to tell them what to do and give them permission to do what they really wanted to do anyway - which was to take care of their environment.

From the first Clean Up day was born Clean Up Australia in 1992 and eventually Clean Up the World in 1993. While CUTW is an international organization operating in many countries, the clean up efforts are local and involve partnerships with smaller local organizations. The international scope allows CUTW to create classroom tools for teachers to use to educate kids about the environment and the consequences of what they and their parents and communities do. www.cleanuptheworld.org and www.cleanup.org.au have more information.

One of the major efforts for Clean Up Australia was to reduce the amount of waste produced - instead of simply cleaning it up. So a huge campaign began to eliminate the use of plastic bags. I believe Australia was the first country to legislate against plastic bags. And that campaign was so successful that its organizers spread its lessons throughout the world. Now we see in the US that, for example, Whole Foods is charging customers for plastic bags in an effort to get us to regularly use sturdy, reusable bags. And I know that similar changes are happening in England and other parts of Europe - probably in Latin America and Asia and Africa, for all I know. Information is at www.cleanup.org.au/au/campaigns and www.noplasticbags.org as well as at www.reusablebags.com, www.planetark.org , www.squidoo.com, and the New York Times , an article on Ireland's tax on plastic bags.

Do I think that Ian Kiernan and his band of "Clean Up Australia" activists were the only people to think that plastic bags were no good? Of course not! After all, the French have used string bags for many years and the Japanese furoshiki (a large decorative cloth folded and tied as a carryall) has historically been used to tote produce and other things, and the Irish imposed their "plas-tax" in 2002. Perhaps it's just that I learned about the plastic bag campaign from my connection with Clean Up Australia and Clean Up the World when I worked for New York Restoration Project, an organization that Bette Midler started to clean up North Manhattan (www.nyrp.org ).

At any rate, I think the great feat for Clean Up Australia was to demonstrate that citizen activism could produce tons of change: political, economic and especially behavioral choices on the part of consumers - each one of us who goes into a store and leaves with goods in our own reusable tote is making a choice, that also is a statement about our values.

People's behavior can be incentivized by making it more expensive or impossible to exercise a specific choice. And some incentives are more effective than others. What if it costs me 5 cents to buy a plastic bag because I forgot to bring my own? That's not such a high price so why bother remembering. What if there are no plastic bags and I have to carry my groceries in my arms because I forgot my bag? I will probably remember my bag the very next time. Or what if a bag costs a dollar? I will probably remember my bag.

Good intentions can be fostered by education about the consequences of the choices I make, and then there needs to be some structure put in place to assist me in changing my behavior in accord with my values and desired impact. Good public policy does that. In a way, the Clean Up Australia example shows that when ordinary folks do something that surprises the politicos, the politicos want to get on board fast and good public policy can follow despite the resistance by narrow economic/industrial interests. And it all started with one (very well-connected) person saying "hey, this is unacceptable and let's get together to do something about it right in our own backyard/harbour."

about intimacy

2008-05-12T14:37:00.002-04:00

This weekend, I was brought up short by the reality of my priorities regarding friendship. Specifically, I don't consistently make friends a priority. I say "consistently" because there are times when they absolutely are my priority - I call, I make and keep plans, I think about them and send little e-mails or texts, I show up regularly, I share my stuff and listen to theirs.

Yet a time comes when I disappear from my friends' lives. They call, I don't return calls for days. Oh, eventually I do, but usually when I know they won't be around. I don't call them on my own. They e-mail, I don't respond for a day or two - even though I am constantly on my computer and e-mailing all the time.

I have made many plausible excuses over the years for my behavior. My friends even believe those excuses and offer me sympathy - because the reasons range from my nephew dying to my parents moving to my being in a lot of pain from my hip and back problems. These are real problems, real issues, real life conditions to which I have to adjust. And thus I train my friends not to expect very much of me consistently.

When I do show up, I am a wonderful friend - caring, honest, fun and funny, insightful, supportive, positive, etc. Everything I wish a friend to be, I am. Until I'm not.

The trigger for these realizations was sharing about ending isolation and deflating ego by talking to someone else about one'sweaknesses. It hit me that I protect my self/my ego by refusing to maintain consistent friendships, by so clearly putting friendship low in my priorities. After all, if I don't show up consistently, how are friends to really know me? And how are they to know the whole me if I disappear during my most vulnerable times?

Two people helped me bring this realization to consciousness - one a dear friend and the other a new person.

The friend has been herself adjusting to a new job and hasn't been in touch as much as usual. When I called, she was with other people or couldn't talk. My parents had moved to Nebraska after 43 years in the same town, and I am missing them terribly. So why wasn't P. calling me? Well, I won't call her! So I spent a bunch of time feeling
abandoned and hurt.

In all that mind stuff is a clue to what was really going on. God willing, I will pay attention to and act on that clue in the future. The clue is that when I feel someone is doing something to me, I need to look to my own behavior to see what I have done or am doing to create or contribute to the situation. "Keep the focus on myself" is a core life principle for me.

Apparently, when I'm feeling vulnerable, I have a lot of trouble keeping my focus where it belongs - on my behavior, not other people's. If I'm hurt, instead of withdrawing, I can tell my friend I really need to spend some time with her and can she see me. Because for me, I'm usually hurt because I'm feeling vulnerable in the first place. So let me be vulnerable, let me allow my friend to see me that way, let me tell her that I need her. To be sure, I risk being disappointed. And sitting here writing, I feel such a resistance to being disappointed. I'd much rather protect myself and say "I don't care, I don't need you anyway!"

I have never been very good at dealing with disappointment. Someone I respect calls depression "deep disappointment" which makes sense to me. I was depressed for so many years because life didn't go according to my plans and desires. And when I take the risk of being vulnerable, I want it to work out my way so I will be able to continue being vulnerable. Yet is it really up to another person to make it possible for me to be vulnerable? Or is that my work, my responsibility? Am I not the one ultimately to make life safe for myself? Do I not have a Higher Power into whose care I have placed my will and my life? Will not my Higher Power support me in this very frightening scenario? How will I know if I do not try?

The new person is someone I reached out to, then pulled back, again reached out and then pulled back. All of a sudden, I saw how hurtful that was, how rude and inconsiderate.

I was behaving as I always do, yet I see now that I've been careful not to be approachable by new people so they won't get caught in my stuff. Guess I must be ready to deal with this defect of character, for now I am hurting someone even more vulnerable than I am. I apologized to her, and am determined to amend my behavior with God's help.

I need friends and I want to be a friend people can count on. I also want to be in a loving relationship, which I've lacked for many years. The cause of that has puzzled me, even as I accepted that I must not want one very much because I'm not in one. Clearly, it's not been a priority. It's moving up the priority list, though. And now I have more insight into what I've resisted. More shall be revealed, now that I have started down this path toward what I think is intimacy.

about writing a novel

2008-04-09T16:38:00.003-04:00

I’ve always wanted to write a novel. The only obstacle: I don’t know what to write about. I feel hindered by a lack of imagination.

Is it that I don’t have a good imagination? My dreams certainly are full of image and drama. And I have an infinite capacity to imagine disaster and project disappointment. I fantasize often about the love of my life, the house of my dreams, the wealth I desire. I just don’t think I have the “right” imagination. Whatever that means. To be explored…

Is it that I lack the patience to craft a fictional account of my life or dreams? I certainly have patience to do many other things – write on my blog, decorate for Christmas, shop for clothes and gifts, research bizarre and ordinary topics for my own interest, read book after book after book, do sudoku and crossword puzzles. Yes, I have patience.

Is it that I lack discipline? Well, I do lack a certain kind of discipline - to MAKE myself do things every day in the sense of a routine, as in "I write every day from 9 to 12." What I do have is integrity, a strong in-bred or in-born sense of deadlines and what it takes to do something, a willingness to work hard when there are outside accountabilities. And I am discovering that I do have inner motivation and drive to act in pursuit of my recently discovered and articulated goals. So discipline may not be what I need. Maybe I simply need to tap into and keep expressing that inner motivation and drive. When my passion is awoken, I engage fully in pursuit of that passion. I crave the “flow” state, when time does not exist and I am my task.

OK, back to that “to be explored” paragraph. What do I think of when I think “right” imagination? I think of what engages me, interests me. I love learning something new. Spy novels teach me about stealth and secrecy, gadgets and technological capabilities, geo-political realities and nuances, male fantasy, and the puzzles of human minds and motivations. Historical novels teach me about a period of time, its cultural mores, dress, food, pastimes, attitudes, intrigues, geo-political concerns, economic reality, and health concerns (including hygiene). Mysteries allow me to explore the human psyche as I learn about police investigative procedures, life in a particular time and place, and usually a specific topic such as horticulture or hunting or life in the Scottish Highlands or jewelry and art theft. And I admit to enjoying romance novels set in Regency and Victorian England or Scotland. They satisfy two impulses: the drive to learn about other times and places, and to fantasize about my own dream lover.

I’m largely uninterested in most modern novels wherein pathos and despair are explored ad nauseum, or a strangely surreal world is created as thinly-veiled allegory for our own. The modern novels I enjoy are science fiction, science fantasy and pure fantasy – all the young people’s books and book series about dragons and time/place travel. Whole new worlds are created to explore, with new layers revealed as each chapter and book unfolds.

Most modern novels are too depressing for me. I can’t lose myself within them, lest I become depressed from their endless loop of hopelessness. Life itself is difficult enough for me to want to read reflections of it. Probably I give too short shrift to modern writing and could find books that are more hopeful and rewarding. The Red Tent was one such book. While I enjoyed Jane Smiley’s A Thousand Acres, it was depressing as well as well written. I’ve tried some other authors – DeLillo, Roth, Malamud. I do like John Irving. OK, there’s one. I’ll have to give some a try. But so many are pretty heavy going, full of pedantry and disguised punditry, or moralizing finger-wags at some authority figure or institution. I’m not interested in judgments. I’m very happy to be entertained and educated, even to be guided to ethical musings and moral considerations. And that's what I'd love to be able to write!

about the internet as my lifeline

2008-04-07T17:21:00.003-04:00

Today, I realized how dependent I am on the internet, e-mail and web services for contact with the outside world. Having physical limitations means I'm less able to do things in person, such as going to events, meeting new people, launching and participating in various projects, learning about people, places and things. Instead, I derive great mental stimulation from the virtual world. And increasingly, my collegial relationships take place in the cyberworld instead of the real world. Even many friendships, such as that with Cynthia who lives in California, take place via telephone instead of in person.

We talked about that today, in the context of Cynthia not really trusting or liking the internet because it seems to provide too easy a substitute for real-life relationships. I startled myself by voicing a hitherto submerged truth - that if not for the internet, I wouldn't really have a whole lot to do. My life - limited as it is now - would be immeasurably boring and seemingly pointless.

Of course, my in-person, real-life, five-senses relationships with my nieces Ana and Julia are not boring nor pointless. Nor are my relationships with Alana, Rick, Sue, Phillipa, Ron, Laura, other folks I know and love here in Maplewood. I guess talking to my parents on the telephone last night brought home how many of my close relationships are now somewhat virtual - they in Nebraska, John & Susi in Colorado, Cynthia in California, Stephen in Florida, Anna in Chicago and Minnesota. The last two seem to have dropped off the face of the earth, not responding to my communications via e- and snail-mail and telephone. It's very frustrating to be virtual at times like these.

For the most part, though, the virtual world is good to and for me. I am educating myself about all manner of things, from coaching to setting up e-zines to marketing oneself and one's ideas on the internet to losing weight and getting fitter. I got an MBA entirely on-line over 18 months. I reconnect with people and begin new relationships entirely on-line and sometimes also on the telephone. I can express my ideas and develop new ones. I've become self-taught in the areas of sustainability and things green, education, oil production, terrorism, and travel in Scotland and England. I expand my vocabulary and keep my mind fit by doing Sudoku. I am current on a lot of news around the world, as well as up on celebrity culture. Julia and I play games on the computer and I can pretty much find anything I want or need on the internet. And my plan is to spread my ideas through the internet.

By necessity, I have learned how to navigate this medium and the etheric world it encompasses. And far from limiting my relationships, it has enabled many of them.

about laughter

2008-04-01T14:47:00.005-04:00

Recent conversations with friends and colleagues who are a little depressed remind me about how laughing really helped me emerge from a deep depression when I was in my mid-20's.

I'd had an awful breakup - "jilted" was the term a health care professional used to refer to how my hopes and dreams were completely dashed. Another professional told me "you don't handle disappointment very well." Understatement of the century.

I was alternately hysterical and almost catatonic with grief, and then it morphed into deepest gloom. I couldn't sleep and when I finally did sleep, I didn't want to wake up. After dragging myself to work, I'd close my office door and cry. I cried all day, at night, and then the next day.

People told me it would pass, and one day I'd realize I hadn't cried at all that day. And so the healing would happen over time. Being 27, I was far too young to understand that I would actually eventually really heal. I was convinced I would feel this way forever. And every moment felt like an eternity, excruciating eternity.

One day, someone told me I should start laughing. She recommended that I find all the funny shows I could, get tapes of them (this was VHS/VCR time), and play them over and over while I laughed. She told me that I needed to replace my grief with another strong emotion - humor - and get the experience of fun into my life.

Being sick of myself, I decided to take her advice - despite being absolutely certain that it would not work. I got tapes of I Love Lucy and I started watching Joan Rivers' late night talk show.

Joan Rivers helped me heal probably more than anything else. I laughed so hard at her jokes and at her conversation with her guests. She was goofy and smart, witty and smart-alecky. I found myself laughing in a way I'd never laughed before in my life - out loud! I was a child and teenager who hid my laughs, never wanting to be noticed too much with a loud laugh. Well, I found out that I really do have a loud laugh. And it felt great to use it.

Joan Rivers, Lucy Ricardo and my friend Dale Rutkin were the women who saw me through the worst of my depression. Dale would stay on the phone with me for hours late at night, talking to me about how I would get better, feel better, never have to feel this again, and all I had to do was get through this day. Then I'd turn on Joan Rivers and laugh. Finally, I'd be able to relax and sleep.

I did heal. And I've never had to feel that way again.

Laughing was the most healing thing I did. And not only did I heal by laughing, I also got a perspective on life that sticks with me until today. I can choose to stay unhappy and depressed or I can look for ways to get out of those feelings. I don't have to be trapped forever by a bad feeling or situation. By choosing to laugh, I got a sense that I did have some control over my life and feelings. And that helped me take the steps necessary for me to address some of the underlying reasons for my deep depression.

The power of laughter to heal has been documented by several researchers (see below), as well as by Norman Cousins in his book Anatomy of an Illness. And now I add my own story to the list of testaments to laughing one's way to health.

Psychology Today
University of Maryland
MDA
Science Daily
Medical News

about keeping things simple

2008-03-31T15:39:00.001-04:00

This is a motto that's saved me many a time from overcomplicating, overthinking, and overanalysing situations.

I've learned a few important things about myself over the years: I do not have the ability to read minds. So even if I think I know what you really mean or want, I don't. Keeping it simple means listening to what another person actually says s/he wants or means. It also means paying attention to deeds, not just words.

I was well trained to try and protect myself by anticipating someone else's needs, wants, preferences. If I could only do what they wanted, I'd be safe. And my mind told me that if I could always be prepared in advance, I could prevent the yelling or other abuse that came along with the request. The fact is I never did or could prevent the abuse, no matter how much "control" I thought I had. And getting permission to just leave an abusive situation was wonderful. That kept it pretty simple. My own physical and emotional well-being matters. It's very simple.

Keeping things simple also means doing the next thing in front of me, instead of trying to do everything at once, or to figure out what will happen tomorrow or the next day or way into the future. Projection into the future is not keeping things simple. For me, it's trying to control what happens in the future. If I think about it enough, I can somehow manage it. And as I said before, managing things in the future is about protecting myself from some dire consequence.

Writing this brings home to me once again how much my life was riddled by and directed by fear. I had no idea that I could make choices. And if I did make a choice, I was convinced it would be the wrong one. Somehow I'd be in trouble, no matter what I did. So I did not trust myself. Nor did I have faith in a higher power.

Keeping things simple now means trusting in a higher power, and believing that I will be safe no matter what. I have a track record now of making healthy choices for myself, choices based on recognizing the truth about a situation or a person instead of delusions and wishful thinking. I go "where it's warm" and to the grocery store - not the hardware store - to get oranges. There are wonderful, loving people in this world. I had room for them once I let go of the not-so-wonderful ones. It's pretty simple.

Simple doesn't mean easy, though. It's hard work to recognize that I'm responsible for the state of my life, and that my attitudes and behaviors determine to a large degree whether I'm happy or not. At the same time I've found it difficult to accept and act on this simple truth, I've found it incredibly liberating. No more blaming others. No more total despair and hopelessness. No more "shoulding" on myself and regrets. Simply "OK, I have a choice. Which works best for me today, given what I know now?"

about an article that really touched a nerve

2008-03-26T10:24:00.003-04:00

There's a very daring article in this month's Atlantic by Lori Gottlieb called "Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough" .

Now 40 and a single mom, Gottlieb advocates "settling" for a guy who isn't necessarily your "soul mate" or sets your heart and soul on fire. She looks back at guys she rejected and wishes she had been willing to settle. And it seems she wants women in their 30's now to learn from her "mistake" and just get married to a regular Joe.

All I could think was "hindsight is 20/20" and "if only we knew then what we know now." It occurs to me that the issue may not be one of "settling." Rather it may be a case of expectations being too high or inappropriate or too all-encompassing. Being raised on fairy tales and happily-ever-after certainly raises the bar to an unrealistic level.

I think the unrealistic nature of expectations may have a lot to do with expecting EVERYTHING to be right about the guy, instead of just the most important things. What if women created a "must have" list for a man, based on what we know about ourselves and what we really can't live with. Like "must be sexually attracted to him." Can you imagine having sex with someone you don't find attractive? Yuck, double yuck, and just plain NO.

Even Gottlieb has some basics she needs: "decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear", "stable, reliable life companion", "What I long for in a marriage is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you on your bullshit and puts up with your quirks." Her friend says "make sure he's someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you."

Maybe "romantic" love is too high a bar - who knows what that means anyway? Usually it's lust disguised as romance. And does it really matter if he brings you flowers once in a while? Well, maybe it does - because it's evidence that he actually thinks about you once in a while instead of about only himself. And to settle for someone who is all about himself and not at all about being a team member - that's self-abuse, in my opinion. Does he have to be handsome and wildly successful? No. Does he have to pull his weight in the relationship? Yes. Does he share my basic values (assuming I know what they are)? To find that out takes time, more than a few dates - and a guy willing to go on more than a few dates.

I think the question is less about "settling" and more about "how can I tell if this guy will really be willing to do the work involved in a relationship?" I dated a lot of guys who clearly were not willing to do that. They were more interested in finding a woman to fit THEIR fantasy, and when I demonstrated that I liked music of all kinds (not just classical) and had preferences about movies (not simply art house "cinema"), they took off.

How many of those guys actually proposed to Lori? Did she actually have the choice she seems to imagine she had? Women in our forties today were/are in an awkward place - we were raised with the values of being true to ourselves, following our own dreams, looking for a "partner in crime" and in life - someone equal. The men, though, weren't ready for that. They were afraid of us, before even getting to know us. I think Gen X and Gen Y men are not as afraid. So women in their 30's and 20's now have more chance to be themselves and get to know a guy.

These are gross generalizations, of course, because there are great guys everywhere and of every age. The point is that the guys have to "settle," too. But if it's seen as settling, it won't really work for anyone because a relationship burdened by disappointment from the start is doomed, in my opinion. It has to be more of a choice - "this person charms me in this way, which is essential to my happiness; they gross me out in this way, which is OK because I can ignore it most of the time and it's not essential to my happiness."

To make a choice, it does take knowing oneself. And today, all people have so many more tools and resources to get to know themselves that maybe there's more of a chance they can come up with the "must haves" so they get 75-80% of those met and are willing to let the other 20-25% go - recognizing that nothing and no one is perfect and that they can get other needs met elsewhere.

As a woman of 49 who's single, I am happy I didn't settle for the guy who gave small tips and ignored me when I asked him not to fondle me in the movie theater. I don't think he would have asked me to marry him, anyway. And the guy I would have settled for decided he wanted a wealthy woman to help finance his hedge fund business. I'm glad he left - he refused to do the dishes or buy a dishwasher which told me he didn't really give a crap about being a partner. I'm happy today because I have made a life I really like. Do I sometimes wish I had my own children? Yes. Enough to have settled for some of the guys I dates? No. Instead, I fill my life with my siblings' children and live in a community where I am surrounded by children and can get my fill of them. And do I sometimes wish I had a life partner? Sure! And when I can find some time to devote to the hunt, I'm sure I'll find someone. I'm really busy living my own life, though, with no regrets.

Life is full of choices and circumstances, and I can either be miserable or accept the cards I was dealt and play them the best I can. That's my philosophy, and it serves me very well.

about the Serenity Prayer

2008-03-18T13:58:00.005-04:00

A foundation of my peace of mind is the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.

Over the years, my understanding of it has deepened and grown richer. At core, its truth is simple: I can only change myself, not other people. I may be able to change a situation if I have enough power and cooperation from others; however, it may not be a lasting change. The lasting change is that which I make in myself, my attitudes and my behavior.

Years ago, I had a blow-up with my mother in front of my father. Later, he explained to me that my mother was not going to change and I would have to approach her differently. Naturally, I railed against that. It wasn't fair!

Of course, later I realized that my father was completely right. And that fairness has absolutely NOTHING to do with it. It's like the question "would I rather be right or happy?" Then, I sure wanted to be right. And I was certain that if the important people in my life would just do what I wanted them to do, I would be happy. I resisted the idea that I could change my own attitudes. It seemed too harsh that I was the one who had to change. Why couldn't those annoying other people do some changing?

Now, I recognize that I can be happy regardless of what other people do or say. I do recognize that I'm affected by other people's actions and words, by situations, by environments. My choice - what I can change - is whether I allow those effects to persist or allow myself to react, or whether I respond thoughtfully and change what I can (remove myself from the situation either immediately or in time, or modify my attitude to accept someone as they are or interact with them less, etc.).

The Serenity Prayer was my first exposure to these ideas. It encapsulates "keep the focus on myself" and "mind my own business" as well as "live and let live" and "let go and let God." It gives me a practical application of reliance on my Higher Power. And it gives me something to talk about with other people - "what DOES this prayer mean? How does this play out in my life? Is THIS something I can change? Or not?"

While being of practical use in daily life, the Serenity Prayer also serves as a mantra for me when I need to calm down and when I can't fall asleep. So it's useful day and night!

about Turning It Over

2008-03-04T13:45:00.002-05:00

Step 3 of the Twelve Steps: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him.

I remember first seeing the Third Step and having no idea what it meant. I did like the idea of "God as we understood him" - meaning it was for me to understand my own God instead of accepting someone else's interpretation or understanding. That freed me to at least consider taking Step 3.

As I studied this step by myself, with my sponsor and in Step meetings, I noticed the word "care." This was so important, the idea that my God or Higher Power (HP) would actually CARE for me. In defining what "care" meant to me, I realized it meant trusting in a force that has my best interests at heart, a loving God that cares for, protects, and comforts me. This was so different than the God I grew up with. One of my favorite pre-program phrases was "God punishes!" It was jokingly said of course, but the truth is I believed that. Now I had and have a chance to develop an understanding of my own benevolent, kind and loving higher power.

The last thing that struck me about Step 3 is that it asks me simply to "make a decision." It does not ask me to turn my will and my life over yet. It simply asks me to decide that I am willing to do so. The subsequent nine steps are the means by which I begin to actually do the turning over. In Step 3, I developed the necessary willingness and understanding of my own God that then allowed me to look at myself fearlessly. If I have a loving HP, then anything I do in this program is for my own good, for my ultimate happiness and serenity. So I can replace my fear with faith that all will turn out well as long as I trust in my God and align my will with my HP's.

Remembering that I have a loving HP of my own understanding, that all I need to do is be willing to trust in my God and its will for me, and that each step I take is one closer to being happy, joyous and free - that is my 3rd step work every day.

about Tradition Two of the Twelve Traditions

2008-02-20T09:54:00.003-05:00

For our group purpose there is but one authority, a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern.

This tradition is perfect for this recovering control freak! It lets me off the hook of trying to make everything "just right" for those around me. I am not in charge here, and that's a huge relief.

Higher Power is in charge, which is a double relief. To me, that means I am safe in the rooms despite the many personalities and opinions that abound. Personalities and opinions are simply manifestations of different aspects of HP, ensuring that my learning is complete through exposure to such diversity (and sometimes adversity!).

I trust people who do service because their recovery depends on using the principles. Plus, if someone goes way off the "I'm responsible for everything" beam, it's very likely that someone will gently steer them in a healthier direction. This Tradition gives permission for such guidance to happen.

Thanks to this tradition, I've been able to trust myself to contribute a part of the whole and to let go of the idea that I must supply everything. It's the first time I got to practice being one among many and being safe in that position. Now I can use my experience to guide me in other areas of my life. I'm never the one completely in charge, I am always one piece of the puzzle.

about how to help someone with major trouble

2008-02-19T12:38:00.004-05:00

Hello from India.

Nice to know you.

Can you guide how a person can regain his professional career & personal life when one of the most power person Chair man of Asia's largest news agency UNI to hide his error accuse his junior of spying then repeatedly try to kill him ?

Wish you & everyone in your family optimum & opulent joy & prosperity always.

Thanks

Hello,

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you've had a terrible experience. While not having the same experience, I've survived my own difficulty - so that's my perspective. I was fired quite brutally and unnecessarily from a job, and people then badmouthed me. I found that I needed to address some of the accusations head on through a lawyer, and ignore the rest. A head-on confrontation would not have done me any good.

To move on, I've found it helpful to talk about my experience with trusted friends and family, to continue to get the emotional toxin out of my soul. Removing the toxin bit by bit, I heal and get strength to take steps toward rebuilding my life.

The small steps involved finding my next focus. I realized I no longer wanted to do the kind of work I'd done for 25 years. My purpose - to empower people to find and embrace their own life's purpose - was constant. I explored a few things and after trying it out, found that coaching was my next step. It's a great platform for both helping people and gathering information for a book or two aimed at helping people rebuild after work-related trauma.

And that's what I help people do - they can express their feelings to me and gradually focus more and more on what they do next. Moving on often involves forgiveness - an understanding that these people do the best they can given who they are and what they know. At very least, it involves taking my attention from them and putting my focus on my life purpose and the way I can live it.

Yes, these people harmed me. Yes, there was no reason to do so. At the same time, I did not cause them to do it. And I will not allow them to stop me from living my life.

I've come to realize that I was no longer meant to have the job I had, and that the universe did for me what I could not do for myself. So instead of resenting the past, I mourn it and replace it with the new.

Hope this helps a little.

Best wishes,

Julie

about how guilt is useless

2008-01-30T09:34:00.001-05:00

I was told a long time ago by a very wise woman that guilt is a useless emotion, because guilt is what you feel when you do what you want to do, instead of what someone else wants you to do.

So now I know that anytime I feel guilty about doing something, it's something I really want to do and someone else just doesn't like it or want me to do it. And I go ahead and do what I want to do. Otherwise, I could feel resentful that I've put my life on hold. Since I seek a life free of resentments, it's always better to for me to "keep the focus on myself" and follow my heart and instincts.

If the other person is really upset, that's something for them to experience. Detachment is the tool I use to allow me to witness their upset, be compassionate toward them as they work themselves up into feeing upset, and continue taking the actions that I need to take to live a content, fulfilled life.

about acceptance

2008-01-28T11:47:00.001-05:00

My struggle for years was to accept life on life's terms and accept that I always am exactly where I need to be. Today, I live in acceptance that everything in my life is perfect as it is today.

Sure, things change, so my life changes over time. I accept that, and find that the changes give me the chance to continue practicing acceptance of life on life's terms. As long as I stay in today, in the now, I'm serene. I much prefer serenity to the chaos and drama that characterized my life before finding a spiritual solution!

I think I came to acceptance as the solution because it was the only way left to me. After being in recovery for a few years, I grew to understand that other people were beyond my control and so too was the external world. The only control I have is over my response to people and situations. I don't even have control over my emotions - all I can do is decide how I'm going to express them. And I have control over my attitude toward life in general.

After so much frustration and anger and disappointment, I was forced into turning my life and my will over to the care of my Higher Power, and then into praying for God to remove the defects of character that set me up for the frustration, anger and disappointment.

I always envision "turning over my life and will to God" as allowing myself to be cradled in the loving arms of my God (the one I understand, not anyone else's). This gives me an amazing sense of relief - I am not alone, nor do I ever have to be alone again, carrying the weight of the world on my back and shoulders. I start to breathe freely, and to risk doing things differently - because I know I'm OK and always will be OK from now on. I'm on my right path after doing this, and no harm can come to me ever again. Even pain will be a blessing and a teacher, something I can use in my journey to grow and help others.

Asking God to remove my defects of character is where I throw up my hands, tossing my pain, cares, worries and feelings of inadequacy and soul-sickness into the air and say "OK, God, it's all yours! I can't handle it anymore, so I'm giving it over to you." Somehow, that total surrender brings about a miraculous alchemy. I find myself responding, not reacting. I find myself accepting instead of fighting against. I find myself serene instead of depressed or angry.

Acceptance of the God of my understanding is key to my acceptance of myself as I am now, of life as it is right now, of people as they are now. Acceptance doesn't mean tolerating abuse or discontent or unfulfilling situations. It simply means that I accept that this is how it is right now. And from that acceptance, I am able to take action, make a change, trust my gut and intuition, and take the next right step toward my being of most use to God and my fellow human beings. I'm on a path, after all, so will always be moving.

about the "Five Biggest Problems Facing World Today"

2008-01-20T18:08:00.001-05:00

Poverty and economic inequity are huge problems in today's world, as is global warming.

Poverty and economic inequity (inequality) are pretty fundamental problems. I think they can be reduced given the right political will. And that's where I always run up against the reality of today's capitalism and political systems. There's little tangible reward for reducing poverty - the reward tends to be a feeling rather than monetary gratification. And it takes a big person to go for the feeling over the money. Then there's the pesky reality that people who are more economically empowered end up wanting political power. And elites do not like giving up their power - it doesn't happen without a fight.

Similiary, solving global warming involves the elites giving up some control over resources. It's no surprise to me that solar and wind energy are more prevalent now that the energy companies have figured out how to monetize those renewables.

As I write this, I feel so cynical. And yet I'm probably more hopeful about the state of global warming now that the multi-nationals are investing in renewables.

Solving global warming and poverty will require much more, though. They'll require a fundamental shift in how humans relate to each other, to ourselves, to the earth. I think that there are two things going on: first, people want to get "theirs" first, take care of themselves first. The "more, more, more" mentality makes it difficult for us (because I have to include myself in this) to know when we have "enough." Second, I think it's hard for people to feel empathy and generosity with people they may not feel are like them. Separation across ethnic, national, gender, education, socio-economic lines makes it easier to a) ignore other people's needs; b) feel superior to other people and thus entitled to more than "they" get; and/or c) take from others for ourselves.

This attitude gives rise to oppression of various sorts, genocide, war. So "separation" or "us/them" is a huge problem for our world, that keeps up from cooperating and sharing both scarce resources and ideas for creating new abundance and solutions for our shared planetary problems.

I believe that people accepting responsibility for our own individual lives is the best place to start healing the world and solving inequities. Yet people with few resources are at the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and thus have far less leisure or capacity to focus on "self-actualization." What about the rich and powerful, though? Far more than their basic needs are met, yet there's a remarkable lack of self-examination and spiritual development that allows people to say "I am OK, I have enough, I am on earth to help and live in harmony with others."

So I see spiritual impoverishment as one of the big problems facing humanity, as well as addiction. Addiction - to substances, sex, power, anything that takes us out of ourselves and into a different reality - is antithetical to self-examination. It's impossible for someone in another reality to start accepting and understanding the world as it is. And addiction is all about "more." Fear is usually at the root of addiction - fear of not having what we want or of losing what we have. Spiritual development is the antidote to fear.

I'm not talking about organized religion here, nor about cults. I'm talking about finding our own individual paths to tapping into our own higher selves, the self that is connected to other people, recognizes and celebrates that connection, and acts from serenity instead of fear.

about anger and resentment

2008-01-20T17:03:00.001-05:00

For a long time, I didn't know I was angry. I was depressed. When I first heard "depression is anger turned inward," I knew it rang true yet could not apply it to myself yet. That was a turning point, however, for I got permission to look inside myself for emotions.

To me, depression isn't really an emotion. It's a symptom of some other emotion that I'm not ready to feel. So feeling depressed came to be a clue that something else was going on inside me - something I needed to discover. The discovery process involved meditating, talking to my sponsor and program friends, and writing in my journal.

Over time, I realized I was angry - at pretty much everything. Perhaps most of all, I was angry at myself for ignoring myself.

Then I discovered that anger was in turn a mask for something else - usually hurt and sometimes sadness. Anger felt better - more energizing, more active, more outwardly focused. Hurt was very difficult for me to acknowledge and feel - I felt too vulnerable. And if I was hurt, then I needed to do something to protect myself.

Anger was a very effective way to protect myself from other people hurting me. The problem was it also pushed away people's love and care. So I needed another way to protect myself. This prompted me to explore boundaries, setting limits, speaking up for myself, telling other people "ouch, that hurt" and engaging in the sometimes quite difficult and painful conversations to resolve a situation. And it meant learning to forgive people who didn't intend to hurt me, and even those who did. Because I can no longer live with anger and resentment.

Resentment for me is "re-feeling" emotions over and over again. I know I'm still resenting someone or something when I feel the same humiliation or shame or fear or hurt. So it, too, is a clue for me that I still have some unresolved issues. Perhaps I need to make amends. Or forgive. Or keep talking things out to air and lighten my
burden. Or all three.

And sometimes I need to feel sad. Sadness is for me the emotion of acceptance and powerlessness. There's nothing to do with sadness except feel it.

I am sad that my six year old nephew is dead, killed by brain cancer. I was angry at the cancer for a very long time - and still feel it once in a while. Then I remember that I was and am powerless over his cancer and he's still gone. And I am incredibly sad about that. I'd rather feel angry, because then I can look outside myself and feel powerful in my righteousness. Unfortunately, anger is useless in this
situation. Sadness it is.

about triggers for bad behavior

2007-11-02T22:10:00.000-04:00

A huge trigger for me is being too tired.

I've been tired and busy for the past month, accomplishing quite a bit (finished my MBA on line!). And I've had the chance to see how tiredness really is a key trigger for the less pleasant manifestations of my personality. Fortunately, these are opportunities for me to work my program and practice restraint of tongue and pen - especially tongue. And to breathe. A lot.

I've had a lot of success in avoiding pointless conflict by remembering that other people are doing the best they can, and asking questions to uncover what people mean by what they say or do instead of jumping to conclusions based on my exhaustion-fed immediate reaction. Taking my time, pausing, breathing, asking a question and listening to the answer- these tools have enabled me to respond instead of reacting, and even to choose NOT to respond, when appropriate.

When I am physically tired, I get irritable and unreasonable. Recovery is that I know it. So I notice my irritation with someone else or my thinking that other people are idiots. And I realize I am tired.

The awareness helps me take preventive action, in the moment and afterward. In the moment, I breathe, wait a few beats to consider what I want tosay - or even if I want to say it - and then speak in a calm way. I work hard to keep the irritation from showing in my tone of voice.

Speaking of tone of voice, that is another trigger. My tone of voice certainly can trigger someone else's anger or irritability or pain. Just as another person's tone of voice can trigger my hurt feelings or anger or pain or short-temperedness. My mother used to say to me "don't speak to me in that tone of voice, young lady!" Of course, I claimed not to know what she meant. And to some extent, I was unaware of how my attitude crept into my tone. However, my mother could tell that I felt contempt for her simply through my tone. And she was correct.

My own tone of voice is a trigger for my own feelings, too. If I want to change my attitude, I change how I say things. I can calm myself down by adopting a calm tone of voice. I can get a bit more patient byusing a measured, loving tone of voice. Conversely, when I succumb tosneering, I feel more contemptuous of those "less intelligent and capable than I am" and wind up hurting other people's feelingsunnecessarily, feeling guilty and having to make amends. Far better to just nip that impulse in the bud - through modifying my tone of voice.

"Acting as if" is a wonderful tool for halting my tendency to behave badly. There's a great saying - "I can't think my way into right action, I can only act my way into right thinking." If I eat something, get enough rest, and connect with other people - right actions - I have much better chance of thinking and behaving reasonably.

It's just like the saying that I can cheer myself up by smiling. The very act of smiling makes me feel happier. As Abe Lincoln reputedly said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

It's difficult to make the decision to be happy, and even more difficult to comprehend that it really IS a decision. Just as I no longer see myself as a victim of people, fate, circumstance and bad luck, I no longer think that happiness is elusive and possible only for others. I realize that happiness isn't something that just happens to me; I can seek it and embrace it.

Realizing this frees me from the tyranny of my reactions, and gives me power to resist the triggers for bad behavior. I have a choice today, a decision to make. I am able to choose to behave as I want to behave, in ways that are consonant with my core personal values of compassion, integrity, kindness, humor, patience, and love. That makes me happy. At last.

about fear and fulfillment

2007-09-15T18:10:00.000-04:00

I am convinced that fear is the enemy of my achieving my highest good. Fear stops me in my tracks, makes me doubt my instincts, blinds me to possibilities.

In one of those strange paradoxes, I had no idea how fear limited me until I felt safer in my life. Only when I felt more self-love, only when I felt I was among people who understood and cared for me -even a little bit - was I able to observe the fear that virtually governed me.

I was afraid of making any mistakes and thus being hit or yelled at. I was afraid of being too smart, too successful and thus being accused of "being too big for my britches." I was afraid of loving, for fear of being betrayed and abandoned.

So I did very little, hid my talents, and became isolated from others. It was a profoundly dissatisfying way to live.

Fortunately, I arrived in a safe place: 12 Step programs. And I began to speak, in a louder voice. People began to respond to what I said, saying I helped them. That gave me more confidence, both to believe I had something of worth to say, and to believe that I was getting better.I started to get some perspective on my fear.

As one person wrote, I began to identify my fear - what it felt like, when it appeared, what it sounded like. I read tons of self-help books and went to hundreds of meetings and heard other people talk about how they dealt with their own fear.

One woman said "I just put my arm around it and say 'Fear, let's go!' and we go together to do what I want to do." That was amazing! I didn't have to deny my fear, nor did I have to deny myself doing what I wanted to do, needed to do, was inspired to do, felt good doing.

Someone else pointed out how much alike fear and excitement are. They both cause my pulse to race faster, my mind to go a little blank, and slow me down a bit. The difference is that when I'm excited I smile, and when I'm afraid I frown. So I started practicing thinking I was excited instead of afraid, and smiling instead of frowning. And I changed how I talked to myself: instead of "oh, this is scary! I can't do it! How can I do this?" I began to say "wow! I must be excited to do something new! Let me give it a try, see what happens. What's the worst that can happen?"

I got LOTS of help. Help in saying "I won't" instead of "I can't." In playing out "what's the worst that can happen?" and realizing that the end result is that I would die, and well, guess what? I eventually will die, but probably not as a result of taking a class or telling my mother "no." My FEELINGS may tell me that I will die if I focus on myself. The FACT is that I won't. In fact, I will come closer to being my true self.

Which brings me back to where I started. For me to be my best self, I needed to learn to put fear in its place - as a sign that I was going into unknown territory, and that I needed to have some faith - in myself, in my intuition, in my relationship with my higher power, and in my now unshakeable belief that whatever happens as a result of my loving actions is for my best.

I really needed to write this to remind myself of all this. Because I am now in a transition period, where fears are surfacing that I didn't even know existed! How wonderful it is that they are surfacing, because that means I am already far along in my transition and in changing my mind-set. I'm moving from the mind-set of scarcity into the mind-set of abundance, from emotional loss to abundant and enduring love.

I feel fear tugging at my hem trying to trip me up, and I can simply stop and say "well, take my hand, and we'll go together. You don't have to be afraid, because you're not alone. I'm with you and I'll take care of you. Everything will be just fine and lots of fun. And together we can handle anything that comes up. You'll see!" Just as I'd talk to my 5 year old niece, and as I wish someone had talked to me when I was little. Well, today I can talk to little Julie like that, and we'll see together what further joys this life has to offer.

about resentment and forgiveness

2007-09-04T21:46:00.000-04:00

Resentment - re-sentiment - refeeling. My resentments are usually my refeeling my anger, hurt, humiliation, disappointment, and pain. It means I haven't completely processed the event, or found a way to forgive the person or myself (or both of us), or come to terms with what the event means in my life.

I have dreamed a lot recently about two jobs from which I was fired -one two and a half years ago for political reasons after being there 11 years and doing a fantastic job, the second a year and a half ago because of a personality conflict with the organization's founder.

Even as I write this I see myself trying to convince you all that I was not to blame in any way. This is a sure-fire way to gear up my resentment engine. See, they did it to me! Mean, horrible people!

Anyway, my dreams are about being invited back to the organizations. In one set of dreams, I'm very close to coming back and they have sought me out as the only person who can help them. They realize I was the right one all along, and now need me. In the second set of dreams, I'm up to being asked to come back because some people realize they were wrong and treated me horribly. But other people don't recognize it and there are still too many obstacles to my coming back.

What I glean from this is that I am coming to terms with what happened in both cases, that I am recovering my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I may also be turning humiliation into humility (actually, my higher power does that, not me alone).

The point is that I am sick of having these resentments. They keep me tied to the past, keep me from moving on and feeling good about myself. I do believe I was treated badly by the first people for no good reason and I do hope they realize it someday. Yet, I can see now how it might have happened because I was absent with illness for a while and not able to "defend my turf." Clearly, too, it was time for me to go. If not, I'd still be there.

Coming to realize that I didn't deserve to be treated badly has been helpful for me when I get that urge to refeel the humiliation and anger. I don't need to feel that again, thank you very much. It was pretty bad then, and it is still highly unpleasant. I'd much rather say "forget them" and move on into new areas, leaving them behind in my dust. I'm not yet to forgiveness, but understanding how things could have appeared to them is a step toward that. I still would like the satisfaction of an apology, thank you very much, but I do not hold my breath.

I think part of getting over the resentment is rejecting their treatment of me as somehow justified. No, it was not. I see that, so I do not have to respond as if I am still affected by it. It was a long time ago. Time does heal, and I have taken some actions that have helped heal me. Maybe I'll need to take more, maybe I'll need to "amend" my behavior to tell someone that the treatment was unacceptable rather than just keep my mouth shut. If I do that, I will need to let go of any expectations of how they will respond, and do it simply because I can't forgive someone until I tell them what they did wrong. And maybe I'll move beyond that need and into forgiveness.

I guess the bottom line is that resentment hurts me. The other folks move along clueless while I hurt. My goal is to rid myself of resentment. It does take some time, and lots of talking and processing with other people, including doing written inventories and turning them over to another human being. And recognition that the resentment is mine, no one else's.

Sometimes I love the resentment. I nurse that feeling of self-righteous indignation, asking others to support me in condemning those terrible people. It makes me feel a little better for a while, yet at the same time plunges me right back into that feeling of shame and grief and powerless anger. So I do less and less of it.

It feels a lot better to say "well, it was time for me to be gone. Sure, they could have done it in a better way. But they didn't. Oh, well. I'm pretty happy now, and I wish the organization well." It feels a LOT better.

about rejection

2007-09-04T20:07:00.000-04:00

You know that saying "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you?" I feel the same way about fear of rejection. Just because I fear it doesn't mean I won't be rejected.

And in fact I have been rejected many a time - by lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, and yes, my siblings and my parents. What's different is how I respond to being rejected.

I use the word "respond" because I've learned that I don't have to react, I can respond. "Responding" means taking my time to consider how I feel, do a reality check to make sure what I think happened has happened, and then decide what I need and/or want to do - if anything.

The reality check is important because I can get very carried away by my feelings and fall back into old patterns of behavior - such as allowing one rejection to color my entire world view. In reality, my life is made up of many different situations and areas. A rejection in one area doesn't negate acceptance and success in another.

Talking to someone else often helps me get some perspective, although I am able now to talk to myself to good effect. I'll catch myself saying to myself "I'm depressed" and then ask myself "what are you depressed about?"

Nine times out of ten, I have nothing really to be depressed about. It's just a habit I've gotten into, of feeling depressed when I haven't been in touch with a friend for a while, or someone isn't available to do something when I want to do it, or my latest class is frustrating.

Some of those things feel like rejection ("I don't fit in!" or "Why didn't she call ME?"). Yet I now realize they are just ordinary circumstances that happen in my life as well as everyone else's. What's not so ordinary is the import I place on them to define my mood.

Luckily, I have learned that I CAN do something about all of this. I can pick up the phone and call my friend. I can talk to a classmate about the work and also complain about it a bit to my sister or housemate (and usually in the complaining, I figure out the most frustrating bit and can move on with the work). I can make an alternate plan with my friend, or call someone else to see if they are available.

What I realize is that I have options, I have choices, I have some power to act. Action is what helps me deal with any real or imagined rejection. I'm not a victim. I'm not a child dependent on her mommy for validation and security. I have a higher power, I have myself, I have my friends, I have my program - all of which validate and comfort me when I need it.

I've had brutal rejections in the past, truly brutal. And I did not cope well with them. Since I defined myself in relation to other people, rejection was a complete rejection of me. I felt invisible, ineligible to even exist on the earth. I compounded external rejection by rejecting myself.

Program was key to my returning from a really dark place, to beginning to embrace myself as a worthy being defined by myself. I learned to go where it's warm, to go to the hardware store for nails instead of oranges, to recognize early warning signs that this person or situation was not going to be good for me, and to forgive myself when I missed the clues and cues.

More importantly, I allow myself to feel the anger and hurt when I really am rejected. It really does hurt. And it takes time to recover. It's an opportunity for me to be really kind to myself, to love me and accept me.

Today, fear of rejection tends to be a little worse than the reality of being rejected, simply because it's abstract and it's hard to act on an abstraction. Far easier to deal with reality. I'm a great problem-solver given a real-life problem. In the abstract, I can drive myself nuts. Luckily, I can usually remind myself not to project into the future, and to be here now.

Stay in the now and I am usually fine.

about no longer being a victim

2007-09-04T14:31:00.000-04:00

How miraculous is that shift in consciousness that can come in a 12-step program - from being "done to" to "doing," from blaming others to becoming responsible for myself, from looking outside for answers to looking inside for intuition and wisdom, from feeling overwhelmed and beleaguered to feeling confident and serene.

I spent about a year in program not understanding most of what people were saying. It was a foreign language and the concepts just didn't make sense. I do remember hearing "the V in Victim stands for Volunteer" and being both angry and perplexed. Perplexed because I didn't get it, and angry because - as I now know - it hit home. I thought and talked about this concept until I finally understood it.

Then one day, it seemed like the lights went on and all of a sudden all the concepts made sense. I'd stuck around long enough for osmosis to do its work, in partnership with my own curiosity and seeking. And critical to that breakthrough in understanding, that monumental shift in perspective was my realization that I in fact volunteer to stick around for pain, abuse, dissatisfaction, frustration, and overwhelm.

The essence of being liberated from the victim role was, for me, encapsulated in this sentence: No one does anything TO me that I have to tolerate for very long, if at all. If I don't like how someone is behaving toward me, I can say something or I can walk away. And even more intense - when I start setting some standards for who and what I want in my life, I will attract those very people, jobs, and places.

Wow. That freedom was both exhilarating and very frightening. I was shedding the warm cocoon of blame, irresponsibility, and self-loathing for a life where I am responsible for my actions and choices and feelings. What those are depend on how I feel about myself.

When I love myself, I want wonderful things for myself - loving, generous people, supportive environments, pleasant and serene surroundings. When I dislike myself, I'll settle for what I think I deserve. And in my case, it was bad enough that I contemplated suicide. Luckily, I didn't pursue that "permanent solution to a short-term problem" because people in program told me that I would want and could have a better life if I worked the Steps and used the program's tools.

Part of what I learned from the Victim/Volunteer theme was that I didn't love myself, if my external surroundings were any indicator of how I felt about myself. I went to another 12-Step program where I explored, faced and came to terms with the depth of my self-loathing.

It was there that I realized why I was so angry when I heard "V in Victim stands for Volunteer." The depth of my anger was the depth of my fear of what I would discover about myself - and the depth of my inner pain. Fortunately, I surrounded myself with loving people who helped me explore in spite of the fear, and helped me turn around my feelings about myself.

The amazing thing about this process was that, for the first time in my life, I owned my feelings. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to change them or the circumstances that enabled me to hate myself. Thus, the voyage toward recovery began with deciding not to volunteer for the pain of being a victim, and instead to try out my new wings and see where I would go on this uncharted journey toward serenity.

It's been a blast so far and I'm so grateful I have a program that allowed me to find myself under all that self-pity and powerlessness.

about sharing

2007-07-16T12:22:00.000-04:00

I think I am compelled to share with others because I know viscerally how awful it feels when someone withholds what they have. My mom withheld so much - knowledge, insight, love. She held it close in case she might lose it, focusing so tightly that she missed seeing her impact on me. Putting on makeup. Folding clothes. Weeding. Drawing and painting. Choosing plants and deciding where to put them. Digging in the dirt. Baking bread.

I am self-taught, mainly. I watched when I could. Watching without questions, learning to avoid speaking and asking for guidance. Her responses were exasperated and impatient, in attitude dismissive and even contemptuous. Her words were rarely kind, usually sharp and critical. Looking for flaws and error, she found them in abundance. But why were they errors? What didn't I know yet? How could I know if no one explained things to me? Why was I to blame for not knowing what I didn't know? The inexplicable is still incomprehensible.

So let me share, let me explain, let me seek progress, let me applaud learning, let me celebrate the risk involved in exposing one's lack of knowledge in hopes of gaining it, let me emanate an attitude of safety, comfort, support, positive reinforcement. Let me share what I now have learned, and perhaps heal my still-seeping wounds and bind up the gaps in my heart.

about my path

2007-07-16T11:38:00.000-04:00

From "Today's Gift from Hazelden" July 14, 2007:

How can I be sure I'm doing my Higher Power's will? There is, of course, no certain way to know, but what I rely on is an inner sense of lightness and rightness. I pray for guidance, I ask for answers, I listen to my inner voice, and I talk to people whose opinion I respect. I also believe if what I'm doing is not my Higher Power's will for me, I'll find out, since it won't work.

I believe something very similar to this. I do ask for knowledge of my Higher Power's will for me and the power to carry it out. I believe the two go together - that when I gain knowledge of the next right step for me to take, I will also gain the ability and willingness to take that step. Ability and willingness = power to carry it out. And "carry it out" means action, not thought. Intentions are great and intentions fulfilled, made evident and tangible are fantastic. Unfulfilled intentions are a source of regret for me. I don't intend to live my life with regrets. Sadness, yes. That is unavoidable. I am sad about options I have not chosen, and about possibilities and wishes that for whatever reason have not manifested in my life. They were not on my path.

My path is tortured, tortuous, twisted and delightful.
Around every turn is the inevitable unexpected.
I see near and far other paths with their own rises, mountains, plains and vales
and pine for them. Wistful choices not mine to make.

By turns the yearning deepens abysmally.
Rivers run with lost possibility, fed from my aquifer of tears.

Loss taps into geysers, smoothing sharp pains.

And I keep moving, curious.

On a rise, I turn back to behold an amazing vista,

the marvelous scope of my life. Only then do I comprehend

the landscape sculpted by experience, deeply detailed by pain and by love,

colored by feeling, and shaded by other paths entwined with mine.

about happiness

2007-06-12T10:40:00.000-04:00

Happiness is a function of two things: attitude and circumstance.

Sometimes, I exist in circumstances that are not conducive to my being happy. Such circumstances are those that seem to force me to behave in ways contrary to my integrity, values, learning style, talents or preferred skills. If a job doesn't allow me to use my best abilities, there's a good chance I won't be happy. If I'm in a relationship with someone who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, I probably won't be happy. So to be happy, I need to change my circumstances.

Yet, I wonder if attitude isn't the basic factor in happiness. There's a quote by Abraham Lincoln that "most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." If I decide that I want to be happy, I will seek circumstances that are beneficial to my mental and physical health, that contribute to my further spiritual and social growth, that feel nurturing and positive. For so long, it felt comfortable to be unhappy and complaining about everything around me. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I realized I was the common denominator in all the problems I had or faced. I resisted for many moons the knowledge that I could take action to change my circumstances if I was dissatisfied. It took great pain for me to understand that I could leave dissatisfying relationships, jobs, environs - or I could accept that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and be happy in spite of unsatisfactory circumstances.

When I made the decision to be happy, when it felt more comfortable to be happy than to complain, it became clear that even awful circumstances couldn't make me unhappy. Circumstances no longer had the power to control my mood and attitude. And by accepting where I was and coming to understand why I was in a certain situation, I was finally able to change my circumstances to more salubrious ones. Paradoxically, my decision to be happy no matter what allowed me to create happier circumstances.

This shift in attitude, this desire to seek a state of happiness regardless of circumstance has stood me well as I face circumstances beyond my control - David's illness and death, my physical problems, work travails. I can't bring David back. I really am disabled - although I do know there is more I can and will do to become more physically able. And I can't change the past and how I behaved toward and was treated by employers. Because circumstances are out of my control, the only thing I can do anything about is my attitude.

Sometimes I find myself depressed, lonely, hopeless. While these feelings were familiar and comfortable in the past, they no longer are. I don't want to wallow, to feel sorry for myself - at least, not for very long! And so I change my attitude. I seek to be serene, happy, content, satisfied with the life and blessings I have now. And lo and behold, I find myself gravitating toward other people or doing something positive like writing or gardening or calling someone. I no longer feel powerless and trapped by my circumstances. I find the power I do have, and exercise it. I feel better about myself for doing so.

about keeping the focus on myself

2007-06-12T10:22:00.001-04:00

This slogan is the heart of my path to spiritual peace. It sums up the wisest approach to healing by suggesting that I keep my focus on my own path, my own feelings, my own recovery - instead of focusing on the people and problems in my life.

When I first began working on becoming happy, I learned that the condition of the Al-Anonic was just like that of the alcoholic. We too suffer from the family disease of alcoholism. The difference? While the alcoholic has his/her arms around the bottle, we have our arms around the alcoholic. The A can't see anything but the bottle, and we can't see anything but the alcoholic. The A focuses on alcohol, we focus on the alcoholic. The A's life is defined by alcohol, our lives are defined by the A.

I kept track of how much my loved ones drank, counting drinks and bottles. I carefully watched my tongue and my step around my primary qualifier when she had a few, so I wouldn't be in any danger from her unpredictable temper. I edited everything I said around her for fear I would be criticized. I tried so hard to protect myself that I began to disappear. I got so used to hiding my own opinions, it was almost impossible for me to know what I thought about anything. I found myself incapable of spontaneity. It was hard to make friends because I couldn't be myself. I found myself with friends who were very needy, critical, demanding, mean, charming, manipulative, alcoholic. People who had little ability to give me anything I needed.

While I was frustrated and angry almost all the time, I also was comfortable. This was what I knew. I knew very well how to focus on someone else's needs, moods, preferences, behavior. I criticized and complained about these friends, just as I did about my qualifier. And I felt they were legitimate complaints. I "knew" that if they would only begin to see me, pay attention to me, stop criticizing me, etc. then my life would be better. If they would only "do unto me" as I had been doing unto them, everything wold be good. See, I am so good to you, can't you follow my example and be good to me?

Just writing about this makes me queasy. It was such a miserable existence, focusing on how other people were responsible for me not getting what I needed in life. It took me a long time to realize that I was in fact the person responsible for the quality and conditions of my life. No one else. Just me.

More than that, I learned that I could change the conditions and quality of my life. With the help of the program, the fellowship, and my Higher Power, I could actually become fully myself and be surrounded by people who support and celebrate me as I am. I could have mutually loving and respectful friendships and relationships. And all I had to do was take the first step - admitting I am powerless over alcohol and other people - and use the slogan "keep the focus on myself."

This slogan gives me permission to start paying attention to myself and empowers me to begin my own recovery. By keeping the focus on myself, I began to understand my role in my unhappy life. I began to see that I made choices every day about whether to listen to my own feelings or ignore them, whether to react instantly or angrily to something my A did or said - or take some time to think and consider and then respond thoughtfully, whether to take on one more task along with a resentment or to carefully consider my time and energy level and respond yes or no to the request - and if I said yes, to do so with pleasure and willingness to do the best I can.

Keeping the focus on myself, I learned about my boundaries and began to see that I was the one who violated them by giving in to unreasonable requests or demands from other people. I started to recognize how I felt when I was being criticized by someone else, and to quickly detach from that person or situation or conversation -either physically or emotionally or both. And by keeping the focus on myself, I learned how to be good to myself - buying flowers once in a while, taking a hot bubble bath, having alone time, reading a book or watching a TV show without guilt, going to meetings, slowly making friends with people who saw ME and liked me, laughing and having fun.

As I write all this, I remember the concept of detachment. Detachment helps me remember that the other person's behavior and attitudes are not my business. My only real business is my own attitudes and behavior. And those I can learn about and begin to change when I keep the focus on myself.

on omitting "all" from Step 6

2007-06-04T14:05:00.000-04:00

Hmmm. Maybe I need to be reminded that Step 6 asks me to become ready to surrender ALL my defects to the God of my understanding. Not just a few, not most, but all.

There are surely still some defects of which I'm not fully conscious, because they are more subtle or were hard to see given the enormity and visibility of some more glaring ways I get in my own way. I find they emerge as I and my Higher Power clear the path of the extreme dysfunctional habits and attitudes. Yet even if they're not completely visible now, it's important that I be willing to be fully free of limitations, completely willing to let go of "my way" to happiness.

When I am willing to admit there may be another way for me to be happy, then I am free. As long as I "hold on to old ideas," I get in my own way and limit my life to my vision. After 25 years in recovery, I have ample experience that says my vision is so small compared with the possibilities that the universe/my HP have in store for me, many of which have already manifested in my life.

about Step 6: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

2007-06-04T12:50:00.000-04:00

I didn't really know what Step 6 meant. It's about a state of being, I thought. So how exactly am I to get to that state of being entirely ready to have God remove my defects? I thought I already was ready, because I was so sick and tired of being unhappy, discontent, irritable and angry all the time. Weren't those my defects?

Then I did Steps 4 and 5 and learned much more about the causes of those defects - my high (unrealistic) expectations of myself and others, my fear of failing, my inability to focus on myself, my constant trying to twist myself into whatever shape "you" wanted me to be for fear of being alone, my loneliness because I was afraid of people - especially of them criticizing me - and afraid of being disappointed by a relationship with a higher power, and my arrogance that I was smarter than you and more powerful than God. It was a pretty hefty list, and quite dismaying in its scope and depth.

OK then, I thought. Now I really know what my defects are. After all, I'd just spent a few weeks writing and a few hours speaking about them. And I did know my defects - in concept, and viewed through the lens of history. For Step 4 asked me to look at all the resentments and fears and envies and arrogance that plagued me up until that moment. It was hindsight. Extremely revealing and humbling hindsight, but hindsight nonetheless. Little did I know that I was about to encounter all those defects in the here and now.

Step 6 was for me about the experience of behaving in the old ways while being conscious of doing so. I watched myself through the new lens of awareness. That lens magnified my behavior so I could see it in detail. And I was horrified by some of it, pained by other, and brought to tears of frustration by yet other behavior. I couldn't stop doing it. I watched myself retreat into a silent huff when my significant other criticized me, knowing full well that a) my withdrawal was an effective punishment but b) that it would only make matters worse. I likened it to being at the top of a hill caught in a snowball and the snowball was charging down the hill and I was powerless to stop it.

The key word here is "powerless." Yes, I was powerless to stop my behavior. Sure, I could make some changes, and I did. But the fundamental beliefs and motivations were still very active - including the belief that "I" could change my behavior. Luckily, my defects were in the process of humbling me.

There's an Irish blessing that begins "may the road rise up to meet you." The blessing for me was that once I became aware of my defects through Steps 4 and 5, I was presented with opportunity after opportunity to see them in action. The road was rising up to meet me, and it was just what I needed to bring me to a state of being of total readiness - readiness to surrender.

Feeling powerless to change myself, to rid myself of my defects of character, combined with horror that I was doing the same old things with the same horrible results and growing despair that I could ever change: these were the preconditions for my total surrender in Step 7. I became "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" when I experienced my defects in my present daily life while acutely aware of their inability to get me what I wanted.

What I wanted was serenity, acceptance, patience, self-love, and more - all the promises of recovery. I had a vision of what life could be like, by watching people in the program who had gone through the Steps. I wanted what you had. And it was only possible if I surrendered to a power greater than myself, trusting that God could and would do what I could not, if only I were to ask for help.

Pain and hope together made me entirely ready to take Step 7.

about my attitude toward being disabled

2007-05-31T11:11:00.000-04:00

I have been off-line for a while dealing with my disability. Now I am officially disabled, which is good in some ways and not so great in other ways. It's good because I am getting disability payments, so can afford to stay in my house. It's not great because I'm disabled and not able to do everything I want to do - well, actually, not able to do most of what I want to do. So I'm applying the 3 C's to this situation.

I didn't cause my disability. I didn't do anything to bring about my disability other than live my life. I can spend a lot of time thinking "well, if only I hadn't spent time on Long Island, I wouldn't have been bitten by that tick and I wouldn't have gotten Lyme disease and the spirochetes wouldn't have been able to drill into my spinal discs" or "if only I had insisted on getting more extensive Lyme tests" or "if only I hadn't worked so hard, maybe I wouldn't have further weakened my back" or "if only I'd seen a different physical therapist" or any number of other things. There are so many possible "if onlys" and wishes that things had been different. They have two things in common: I feel terrible about myself when I essentially blame myself for not having been God, and they are complete fantasies. The "if only" has absolutely nothing to do with reality. And the reality is that I am now disabled. For good? I don't know. And that leads me to...

I can't control it. I can do what I am able to do, like resting and not lifting, bending, carrying, standing or sitting too much that I put strain on my back. I can do the exercises that don't aggravate my back or hip (I have degenerative disc disease compounded by a complete hip replacement). I can seek additional forms of physical therapy and body work to a) relieve the almost constant pain, and b) relearn how to move. And I can have patience and not give in to my frustration and depression about my physical limitations. I can do what is in my power to do - controlling the progression of my recovery is not within my power. Believe me, I've tried to speed things up - and guess what? I end up in bed for a week with even more excruciating pain. While I'm not in control of the pace of whatever recovery I will have, I am able to manage my attitude and behavior so I am as positive as possible and not reckless about endangering myself.

The last C - I can't cure it - is very hard to accept. I find it very difficult to accept that I may not recover from this disability. I want it over with, NOW. And that's just not happening. I can learn to live with it. Accepting that my disease and disability are incurable can perhaps be freeing, just as other admissions of powerlessness are freeing. If I'm not focusing energy on hopeless crusades, then I can focus on what I am able to deal with.

I just never really understood how much of life is for the completely able-bodied. I took my physical ability for granted - as was appropriate. It's only now that I understand how much of the mind's activity is linked to physical activity. Learning how I can still have an active mind without a similarly active body - that is the work ahead of me.

about a friend's relationship insanity

2007-02-20T14:20:00.000-05:00

It's incredibly difficult to know what to do in a painful situation that involves a relationship with a loved one. One thing I do know is that the only person who will know what to do at any given moment is you. Until you know, you don't know.

I was involved with someone who was great in so many ways and not so great in other ways. I tried to mold myself into someone else and blamed myself for failing. That is insanity.

I stayed until one day I knew I didn't have to. I don't want to give the impression that this was a calm, centered realization! It was a day of tears and self-recrimination like so many others. It's just that I'd been praying for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out (the 11th step prayer). I'd prayed every day for months. I'd taken risks like calling my friends and going to meetings several times a week. I'd also begun to detach a little - not react to criticism or do what was demanded without anger or resentment - and to observe that it didn't stop the criticism or meanness.

Awareness came as I detached a little bit from my own angst and observed our dynamic. Acceptance followed when I started to ask myself if I could live forever with this person "as is," with no changes.

I came to accept that I had limitations, too. I could not change myself to suit another person. I also came to accept that I needed certain things in a relationship. It was insane for me to think I could just go "poof!" and make those needs go away. And it was insane for me to expect this person to meet those needs.

The day came when I understood and accepted that I was not going to meet my own needs by staying with this particular person. That was the day when I thanked God for my pain, because I finally realized itwas my pain and I could do something about it. One day, I simply knew God's will for me, and I had the power to carry it out. I knew what action to take! I didn't have to continue suffering. I could leave the relationship. And I did.

To use an analogy, I could leave the hardware store because it really didn't have the oranges I wanted and needed. I'd tried everything I knew how to do - oh, maybe that orange clamp is an orange! Oh, I know they've hidden one around here and I'll find it if I just dig more and stick around longer! It was amazing and wonderful to realize that I'd seen and done everything possible and really, there were no oranges. Really. I could leave.

Until you know, you don't know.

In any relationship, sanity is recognizing that I am always in the process of gathering information, of digging around the hardware store, of testing out different ways of behaving. Sometimes I am in a grocery store that's just laid out very differently from what I'm accustomed to and it takes some time to find the oranges. I'll find them better if I stay true to myself, in touch with my feelings, trusting my gut. And sometimes, the oranges just aren't there and won't be, ever. Today, I read the sign on the store and keep moving. I don't have to go into every store; I can keep looking until I find the grocery store or produce market - the places most likely to have the oranges I need and want.

I read signs all the time now. My feelings signal me constantly, giving me excellent information to guide me to healthy relationships in work, play, home, and love.

For example, if I feel criticized, there are two possible reasons: one, I am being criticized; and two, the criticism is touching a sensitive spot in me. Usually, both are true. My job is not to defend myselffrom the criticism, but to explore why it bothers me so much.

Over time, I've come to shy away from people who criticize me simply because I don't need that energy in my life. People who criticize are usually seeing something in me that they don't like in themselves (when one finger points at me, three are pointing back at the other person - and vice-versa, of course!). I now love and admire myself and want to remain in that spot. My psyche can be fragile and my disease is subtle. I have observed that if I surround myself with critical people, I become more critical of myself and others. If I surround myself with loving people, I become more loving of myself and others. I like how I feel when I'm loving, so that's the energy and behavior I seek in others.

Now I know.

about continuing to believe in one person's power

2007-02-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

What if everyone who wanted to change the world got discouraged and gave up? What if the forces of greed and disdain and cynicism held complete sway? What would happen if no one wanted to improve themselves, to become a better person, to be more loving and kind? Imagine a world without compassion, without service or generosity, without caring? What if no one gave and no one received? What kind of life would we live if we were really all in it for ourselves and no one else? What if there was no hope? Would we be happy? Would there be unadulterated joy? Would we be satisfied, content, at peace, serene, "in the flow" or "at one with the universe?" Would the concepts of nirvana and heaven exist?

Or would we live a hell on earth and pray only for release from tortured existence?

I can't give up my ideals or my striving or my efforts to be of service and improve the world for me and for others. I may be the only person swimming against this tide, but it is my only choice. And I am not alone. Others understand the power of one person. It's inner work that will make the difference, that will change the external.

a power greater than myself

2007-02-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

For years, I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I yearned for it, desperately.

Like so many, I read every self-help and spiritual book there was. I went to churches on off hours to pray and meditate. I meditated at home according to a formula my sponsor outlined: start with seven minutes a day using a timer or alarm clock. When it felt that the seven minutes had barely elapsed, move on to fourteen, and so on. When I got to 21 minutes, I began to feel elation, a joy that was indescribable. And it scared me out of my wits. So I promptly stopped meditating.

I guess I wasn't really ready for a relationship with my own personal Higher Power! Thankfully, I was ready for a relationship with the 12-step groups I joined.

I felt very safe in a group and found it easy to share in the group. It wasn't as easy for me to share one-on-one - too intimate! Too much risk of being judged, and then what would I do? Where would I turn if the person in whom I confided backed away in disgust? I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with rejection at any level. In one of those weird program paradoxes, I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with acceptance, either. I was so empty after years of people-pleasing, of trying to mold myself into someone innocuous, inoffensive, and unlikely to be hit or verbally abused.

The group had enough people in it that I could find at least one person who seemed to understand. Usually, of course, I found more than one person who identified with me. The power of the group astonished me. Here, I could be myself. Here, I could be honest. Here, I could experiment with opinions and talking about feelings without fear of recrimination. Here, if someone did judge me, there would be another person who would take my part and approach me after the meeting to say "never mind that one. You must have touched something off for him/her. And good for you for sharing!" I didn't feel alone anymore.

Over time, I began to realize that I had friends - true friends of the heart. I even had fights with them and made up! That was a real miracle. Usually, I ran away at the first sign of conflict. I knew I would cave and hate myself, or I would bully and hate myself. I lost either way. Through using the tools of the program, however, I was able to listen to someone else's feelings and opinions, and to express my own. In some instances, we were not able to reconcile, while in most, we were once we understood each other's point of view and values. Even when I didn't reconcile with a friend, I felt good about myself because I had been honest and loving. I had understood the other person's point of view, and realized that we just had moved apart.

Higher Power was working in my life through the program! It had begun as the group power, showing me the acceptance and love I had sought for so long to no avail. I could then begin to envision a God/HP that was loving and caring, rather than cold and punishing. That's the Higher Power for which I had yearned, for years and years.

Step Two is sometimes broken into "Came," "Came to," then "Came to believe." In truth, that is my process. First I came to meetings. Then I "came to," realizing that there was another reality than the isolated and tortured existence I yearned to escape. And finally, I "came to believe" that there was a loving, accepting power greater than myself. By that point, I was being restored to sanity - the sanity of realizing that I was one among many and worthy in my own right, worthy of being myself fully and completely.

At last, I was ready for a relationship with my Higher Power, a "God of my understanding." My God is within me and without me. My God speaks to me through other people and through my own words, be they spoken or written. My God is a "we" God, grounded in community and fueled by my community's generosity and love.

I now have a spiritual foundation that is less about "spiritual ecstasy" and more about serenity. I've lived long enough to appreciate the quietude and peace of my solid faith that I am on the right path and always in my Higher Power's care. I realize I no longer crave unadulterated joy. It's OK for my joy to be tempered with sadness, to feel abundance with loss, to have gratitude with yearning. For me, that's sanity. When I forget all this, my community helps bring me back to sanity.

And I do forget. I do lose faith. When my faith was very new, I lost it every day. Reading spiritual books, talking to friends, and being of service to others restored my faith. 25 years on, my faith is tested by much larger things. I lost faith when my six year old nephew was killed 18 months ago by a terrible brain cancer. Only recently have I refound it. It's different now, too. I feel more solid in my confidence that all is as it should be, even as I rail against cruel fate for taking David. I can't explain the paradox, except to say that I'm here for some reason yet to be revealed, and he was here to teach me to love life fully and completely as long as I am here.

As I always said in college, more shall be revealed! Of that, I am certain. Therein lies faith.

about happiness

2007-01-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

Stick this in your brain somewhere you can find it:
It takes time and effort to be happy.
Lots of time and plenty of effort.
And it costs something, too.
Usually the price is pain - emotional, mental, psychic.
It does not come easily.
It does come, though.

I held fast to some ideas,
still do, in fact.

If you can imagine yourself some way,
you can be that way. And actually
you will eventually be that way.
Really.

Hope exists in the sure knowledge
that this situation, this reality will change.
It truly will not remain
the same.

I am not the center of the universe
nor do I control my reality. I am surrounded
by independent actors, all
of whom can delight me, surprise me, disappoint me,
hurt me, affect
my course in life presenting me with opportunities.
Opportunities for
there are no mistakes, only
opportunities to learn.

If I could be how and where I want
to be, I would. Since I am not there, I am unable
to be, obviously. I am where
I am supposed to be.
Really.

Langston Hughes wrote: Hold fast to dreams,
for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged butterfly
unable to fly.

I dream.

about life's teachers

2007-01-23T13:51:00.001-05:00

I always thought my teachers in life would be loving and generous. "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I thought I'd have gurus at whose feet I could sit, soaking up wisdom and knowledge of the universe, becoming enlightened myself.

After enough rough times, however, I realized that my teachers didn't wear flowing orange or white robes and sit in the lotus position. My teachers were bad relationships, difficult work environments, painful childhood experiences, awful family holidays, needy or mean or superficial friends, and disappointments galore. These were the forges for tempering my extremes, taming my expectations, learning my limitations, and establishing my boundaries. When I didn't fit, I got to see where it had gone awry. Why had I picked that person, or job, or friend? Why did I stay so long in such pain, dissatisfaction, discomfort? What prevented me from accepting life on life's terms? How did I get in my own way, preventing myself from having what I wanted and loving what I had?

"May the road rise up to meet you" came to mean that when I was ready to face something about myself - some fear or unrealistic expectation - all of a sudden I'd be in situation after situation where I had the chance to act out and experience my dysfunttion over and over again until I was good and ready to change.

I found I needed some non-judgmental way to characterize my learning process. It was not helpful for me to berate myself for being stupid or "sick" when I kept returning to painful situations and people. I was victimizing myself far more than anyone else victimized me. So I learned to call my learning and change process "information-gathering." I needed to have enough information to make a decision, a change, an accommodation, a shift in attitude or behavior. I could only get such information by returning to the "scene of the crime" - the situation or person with which I engaged so negatively. I had to prove to myself that I had tried everything to rectify the situation and so give myself permission to act or leave or change. Above all, I needed to observe my own behavior time and again until I fully realized that it was I who was responsible for my situation either by remaining overlong or by attempting fruitlessly to change others.

It took me quite a long time to spot patterns, to recognize early on the signs of an infelicitous situation or liaison and so avoid engagement and consequent pain. I learned that guilt is what I feel when I'm doing what I want to do rather than someone else's wishes of me. Guilt is a sign that I am on my own path and surrounded by people who don't want me to succeed on it. I learned that any time I say "I should" do anything, I am embarking on the path to future resentment and martyrdom. If I do anything, let me choose to do it freely with no future recriminations of self or others. I learned that I am honorable, well-intentioned and generally well-behaved. Confident in my own character, I have no cause for guilt, regret or admonition from myself and no reason to expect, allow or accept it from others.

about anonymity in 12 step programs

2007-01-08T16:17:00.001-05:00

AA's 12th Tradition (used in other 12-step programs):

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Tradition 12 seems like a Step to me. It's so spiritual in its focus on anonymity. Someone said it well: "What is shared in meetings is more important than who said it."

The hard part for me is to remember that I, too, am a personality. When I start thinking that what I share is really important, people really need to hear me, blah blah blah ... well, I've put my own personality before the very principles I am attempting to convey. I become the great "I am" and start to think of myself as being uniquely capable of transmitting the message of recovery. Suddenly, I've convinced myself that I am the person everyone needs to hear!

Sure. Snore. How incredibly boring. Yet predictable.

As a lifelong people-pleaser, caretaker, enabler, mind-reader and problem-fixer, I am incredibly susceptible to believing my own propaganda. It gives me a reason to live. Plus I get such a rush from being indispensable. Of course, pretty soon someone lets me know that I am really very dispensable, and my input or advice isn't needed, thank you very much.

I'm pretty sure I set the stage for that when I don't go to meetings regularly. When I go to meetings, I am reminded that I am one among many. This is truly a "we" program. Only by straying from the meetings do I start to think this is an "I" program.

My perspective is great and will help some people and others, not so much. Maybe I will help them someday, or maybe never. The point is that there are so many other terrific people in the rooms and on-line that can help me and other people. We all help one another in 12-Step programs. I don't do it by myself. For that, I am grateful.

about making change

2007-01-08T13:25:00.000-05:00

Changing oneself is an incredible challenge. And that may be the issue. It seems like such an incredible challenge, like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. So break it down. Make it smaller. Take one step at a time. Begin at the beginning, not even having the end in mind. Who knows what the end is anyway? We can have a sense, a vision, a general direction of where we want to end up. But our journey will shape the ending. An amorphous goal becomes solid, real, tangible by the end. The information I gather along my journey helps me clarify and zero in on the goal. And the journey itself helps me incorporate information, assess it, pay attention to my visceral reactions and responses to situations and opportunities (very different things, reactions and responses), heed my emotional signals, and shift course ever so slightly to get to the end that is my "right fit.

"God Grant me the Serenity to accept the ones I cannot change, Courage to change the one I can, and the Wisdom to know that one is me."

about changing the world

2007-01-04T23:25:00.000-05:00

Of late, many e-mails and magazine articles that cross my transom emphasize my role in transforming first my own world and then the rest of it. The key is self-love and spreading love. And the reward is happiness, inner peace and harmony - and world peace.

There are myriad suggestions for how to demonstrate self-love and how to manifest happiness, many of which I've either incorporated into my daily routine and inner being or tried and found wanting for my own path and process. They include thinking positive thoughts of myself and others, seeking opportunity in what may seem like a disaster, learning one new thing every day, being open to new experience, asking questions rather than making assumptions, assuming the best, starting my day over, praying often and being constantly mindful of God, approaching life with the eyes and heart of a child, forgiving myself and forgiving others, letting go and letting God, writing, talking to a good friend, listening, meditating, chanting, going on retreats, sitting quietly, being in nature, gardening, playing with children, petting a cat, doing art work, giving of my time to help others, putting people first, looking inward to see what I am contributing to a situation rather than blaming someone else, not "shoulding" on myself, accepting where I am, turning my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power, going to church, walking on the beach, getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, exercising, aligning my will with God's will. I know I've done other things, but the list already is pretty exhausting.

And it all works! I am happier, more content and more at peace with myself than ever before. Or maybe it's a different way, because I've often been at peace and happy. I have felt the "flow" of balance and harmony when I'm engaged in love and service. It has a different quality today, deeper and solid. I know it will never go away unless I try really hard - and I'd probably have to start drinking again. That I hope never to do again, a day at a time.

It's like a sand bar, this solid core of peace within me. Sometimes it's low tide and the sand bar is very visible. My outward and inner peace are aligned, all is harmonious, and I'm feeling whole and complete in all aspects of my life. At other times, it's high tide and there are rougher waves passing over and completely covering that core. It's still there, but the externals are rougher, less harmonious, more painful, darker. It's easy to imagine that the core is gone, too, because it's not visible. Yet if I put my feet down, even if I have to completely immerse myself underwater to reach far enough down, I will touch that sand bar, that core of certainty and confidence in my highest good and faith in god. I really hate going under water so far because I'm afraid I'll drown, that the undertow will carry me away and kill me. So far, I've come up and out intact. And more and more, I don't need to venture below the surface to make sure that sand bar is there. I just trust that it is. I have faith that I'm OK no matter what.

Many times over the past couple of years my faith has been sorely tested, and I have wondered if all the "think positive" stuff is so much mumbo-jumbo designed to occupy we powerless wimps in the face of cruel raw power. The power of death, for example. How on earth or heaven can one remain centered when a six year old boy is taken from us? I haven't been able to very well. I talked to him at the cemetary on the 18 month anniversary of his death, and realized that he very much would want me to embrace life and forgive God and even the cancer. No, I don't know if he'd want me to forgive the cancer. I don't think he could have. But he would have wanted me to live fully and with the same kind of joy he exhibited. And Julia deserves my love and joy and happiness and inner strength.

Of course, one of the cruelest passages of my recent life was being fired from City Harvest. I would like to move on from it and believe I have made great strides in the past eight months. It shocked me so deeply because I worked hard to create a work environment based on love and service. I thought it was such an environment. So to be fired in such an unloving way with absolutely no appreciation for my years of service was and continues to be stunningly incongruent and unreal. I'm forced to accept that there was a point at which the environment stopped being loving and compassionate, well before I was fired. So many possible points - when I stopped going to as many meetings, after my friends left town, when I changed communities and became so isolated that I depended more heavily on work for human interaction to a possibly unhealthy extent, after 9/11 and my trauma and egocentric attitude, when I succumbed to paranoia and stopped trusting Liza, when I laid off 20% of the staff in a pretty inhumane way, when I allowed Naomi to be caretaker and guardian, when I started thinking I could write a book about my approach to management, when I identified myself with City Harvest exclusively. I don't know exactly when, or maybe it was all of the above, and more. The important thing is that I do realize that somehow I stopped living the life of love and service and instead began living a life of ego and dissatisfaction.

It got even worse for me when I took the job with NYRP. That was so much about ego and a big "so there!" to the City Harvest Board. And I was incredibly envious and jealous and feeling "less than" and "not good enough" and fat and stupid and just not enough.

That's when I began wondering if it was indeed possible to make any impact on the world at large. Here I've been sober and working on myself for almost a quarter century, and I am still at the mercy of my ego. I still want what I don't have. I want to have more, I want to be more, I want to do more, I want everything more, more, more. Even when I was at my most centered, my impact on others was short-lived. Their impact on me was much more powerful. I succumbed to the power dynamics of stardom and money almost immediately. It's taken me many months to dismantle the illusions and see what happened to me.

How then am I to have any effect on the world? How are any of us who walk the path of ego deflation toward love and service to do anything but work on ourselves? Leading by example is a great concept, yet so limited in effect.

All the articles, books, e-mails, TV and radio shows, albums, sermons and religious treatises are being read by millions of people. Obviously, reading them is not enough. People have to actually put the suggestions into practice. They have to practice ego-deflation in order to become faith-full, right-sized, able to give and receive love and service. That's hard work, a lifetime's work. I don't know anyone who does it perfectly. And I don't know if all of this individual work will really shift the world. Or if it will, I just don't know when the tipping point will be.

So many of us do try our best, and sometimes I catch a glimpse of that perfect serenity and feel it flow through me. Then I go to the CVS and there are no parking spots and I have to practice faith and letting go and asking "how important is it" as thoughts like "what are all these people doing here?" fly through my mind. Or I arrive at work with my heart open only to hear the boss lace into me for being wasteful and not thinking. And she thinks she's perfectly OK. To her and to so many other rich and/or famous people, it's OK to be selfish and cruel to the "little people." Yet they study Kabbala or Buddhism or yoga or any of the other traditions that seemingly emphasize selflessness and self-forgetting. always read that as meaning "egoless" but I must be wrong. I also thought that love for others meant kindness and compassion. I must be wrong.

Maybe I'm just underestimating how very hard it is to be on a path toward ego-lessness, love, compassion and service. I find it difficult, and I've been on the path for 25 years. I've had some pretty major ego-deflating experiences - blessings in very good disguises. If it's hard for me, it's hard for other people. If I succumb to the blandishments of material success, how much harder it is for someone to resist them when they have so much material success already? I think I see now why so many prophets and saints and gurus and boddhisattvas have gone into the woods or the desert or caves, and adopted poverty. It's only when the material is irrelevant that the spiritual can become all.

There isn't any agreement that it's better to embrace love and service. Religions seem to encourage this, yet there is so much infighting and power politics within every church and religious institution that it's clear the words are having little impact on the ego and the behavior. The rich and powerful agree that they are special, better than most of the rest of the world. They even have different AA meetings, a pretty blatant manifestation of ego and fear in a program specifically designed for ego deflation. Love and service require some sacrifice. How willing are people to make sacrifices?

When it comes down to it, I need to focus on myself and being a person I want to live with. For me, it does mean love, service, compassion, kindness, an open heart, generosity, and self-love. I wish it were contagious, I wish what I do would help change the world for the better. I am still too much of a cynic to think that will happen. Who knows, though? The thing is for me to focus on what I can do, which is work on myself. If everyone in the world started seriously working on themselves and agreed that love and service were the goals, we'd have no wars if only because no one would have any time to fight them.

about grief

2006-12-30T00:29:00.000-05:00

I got three magnetic picture frames for Christmas so I put a picture of Simon and Beatrice in one, a picture of me holding David when he was less than a year old in another, and a picture of David on his last Memorial Day at Ron, Laura and Ana's in the backyard. He was holding a Spiderman hover balloon, his favorite baseball cap, striped red shirt, and looking down with a sweet smile on his face. I put it on the refrigerator near the picture of him looking right at me while Rick holds him, and near the picture of Julia in her beautiful flowery dress and golden curls, looking so gorgeous and loving.

And it struck me yet again that David's not coming back. He will never see his sweet sister grow older. And as Alana says, I will never have any new memories of David. He's truly gone. The sobs come then. I've been waiting for them this Christmas. He loved Christmas. He loved presents and decorations and candy canes and bows and baking cookies and seeing all the Christmas lights. When I'm with Julia, sometimes I think of how like him she is and how I behave with her like I did with him, pointing out the houses with the lights and buying fun decorations for her. Is it fair that she reminds me of him? She's her own self. But sometimes she sounds just like him - when she growls especially.

I suppose Julia will always remind us of David, because she is his sister. Once she's past six, though, the memories will be in our minds only for she will be older than he ever had a chance to be. Alana's reminder that he had two years after diagnosis is what it is. I continue to wish he'd been cured. It's hard to be grateful for two years when I wish he had eighty-two more years at least. He should be here now. It's so incredibly sad.

So I think about grief. I've learned that grief is indescribable. It just is. There is no rhyme or reason or explanation or control for grief. It has its own path and timetable. It lives deep within until it creeps into consciousness and overtakes my heart to make tears. These tears are like steam escaping from a pressure cooker - they have to come out or I will explode. But there's no relief as I have known tears to give. It's just grief in another form. Sometimes it lurks as depression and no motivation. Or it's irritability and dropping things. Other times I withdraw from people and can barely talk to anyone. All I want to do is be with Julia. Or Ana, if she'd let me. I just want to be with the living, the loving people I already know and love.

One thing I'm learning about the depth of my grief: I have enough of it for a lifetime. I can't add much more. I have spent the past two years grieving constantly. On January 14, it will be two years since those shits at City Harvest stabbed me in the heart and betrayed me, cutting me off from my passion and lifework. I am still angry, yet somehow I'm too tired to be very angry anymore. The grief is exhausting. And then David got leukemia. And then David died. And then I got fired again. And David was still dead. And I still can't emerge from being frozen. How can I open my heart to anyone else when it's irreparably broken already? I am so damn sad every day. I don't cry every day anymore, but most days I have tears come to my eyes. And every day I look at David's picture and wonder why he is gone and I am still here. Why? Why? The question that has absolutely no answer. Never will have.

I get a little sick of all this grief. Is it possible to emerge from it? Or rather to live with it, meaning to live and go on, with it? I don't know how to do it.

That's the other thing I've learned about grief: it has its own timetable, its own rhythm and its own way of directing me. This has been the biggest lesson in letting go ever possible. How do I know what each day will bring? I don't.

I want to be grateful for every day I am alive, in David's honor. I'm not yet there. I can't imagine living without Julia, and I can't imagine Julia and Ana having to lose me. I know I am a very important person to both of them, a very important person. If I am having such a hard time with loss, they are having even harder times.

Julia was very sad tonight. I think she is sad that Mommy had a dream about David. I think she wishes she had a dream about him. She misses him a lot. I also think she hates hearing about Grandma and Grandpa moving. More loss for that little girl. And more loss for Ana. She misses Ana, too. I just want to spare them these feelings.

I remember being so carefree in my loving, so open and happy with people after I got sober. 1982. And then AIDS hit, and my friends died. One by one, my circle of friends got smaller. Bill Pflugradt died. Jose died. Steven Pender. The twins. Dennis. I pulled back. Stopped being able to be friends with gay men, because they would die. Then it got easier again, but when my friends moved out of NYC - Cynthia and Sydney, Barbara, Susan, Anna, Sue, Julie - I lost my capacity to love again. 9/11 really knocked it out for me, as did the whole A2H experience.

I am not who I thought I was, I am not as strong as I thought I was. I have not the resilience I thought I had. Nor yet the resilience others think I have.

So much is written to help people get stronger, to move past their insecurities and frailties, to seize the day and be their best selves, to follow their dreams and take positive action. I've read so much of it, and I've given much advice like it. I still do. Maybe it's necessary because otherwise it's hard to put one foot in front of the other and keep going every day. What's the point? Make a point, give life meaning by taking those steps, doing those things, changing those thoughts, trying those new things on, chasing and catching that dream. If life weren't so hard, we wouldn't need so much encouragement to live it fully. Or is it that it's hard to be conscious and life gets less hard when we are conscious? Blind I cannot feel, heart open I see clearly. Being at ease.

It's exhausting to always try my hardest. That's not being at ease. Being at ease, my being is at ease. And that means being as I am in each moment. If I am grieving and withdrawn, so be it. No urging or shoulds will change my inner being. My inner being will be harmed if I force my outside into a form of "should" or "ought to" or "make an effort."

So I want to say to people, let yourselves be! You are perfect as you are right now. Pay attention to how you feel, to what you think, to your random thoughts and stray wishes, to what you want, to your deepest truth. And speak it out loud, or write it to yourself. Witness your inner being. Allow it air to breathe, light to reveal, voice to be heard. Sad, glad, mad - it's all good for it's all you. No pretzels allowed. Just be.

about 2006

2006-12-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

I’m looking back at 2006 and feel more at peace than I have in a long time. While I’ve never written one of these year-end epistles, I have so many friends I’ve sadly neglected that I’m giving it a try to share what’s happened.

2006 began with my growing sinking feeling about my job and my health. I was Executive Director of New York Restoration Project, a position I took in June 2005 on the rebound from City Harvest. A little background – I had a total hip replacement in September 2004, which indirectly resulted in my being unceremoniously and suddenly ousted by City Harvest’s Board in January 2005. Despite physical therapy, I was unable to walk properly by April 2005 and panicked that I could not take the new job. Fortunately, the recruiter from Philips Oppenheim knew a chiropractor who specialized in Active Release Therapy (a wonderful method of deep manipulation of connective tissues and muscle attachments). By June 1, I was ready to start. On walking in the door, though, I got a sinking and ultimately prescient feeling that this job wasn’t the right fit.

By December 2005, I had worked myself ragged trying to prove my worthiness to NYRP’s Founder – and to avoid grief. My beloved nephew David passed away June 29, 2005 after two years battling rare cancer, fibrosarcoma of the brain. I still find it difficult to believe he is gone. Then, I was in a combined state of denial, deep anger at God and the world, and despairing indifference. My lower back gave out and I spent ten days flat on my back working from home.

It was clear by January that there could be only one leader at NYRP and it wasn’t me. The position I wanted was not what I wound up with, and I wasn’t satisfied being a glorified office manager. In a way I was relieved when the Board Chair informed me that the Founder and Board felt this was no longer a good fit. Scared about the future, yes, but relieved that I didn’t have to show up for work that was more and more dispiriting and demoralizing.

As of February 1, I was unemployed – again. I was in shock. Me, who had worked since age 14, suddenly had been asked to leave two jobs in a single year. I was catapulted into self-doubt and, unbeknownst to me, a transition process.

I sought work, of course, and spent most of the spring networking and applying for various jobs in and around the NYC area as well as one in California. While in San Francisco for an interview, I visited my dear friend Cynthia and her partner Kathleen, my Uncle Al and Aunt Jo, and Maplewood friends who’d relocated. Twice, I got to the finalist stage only to be first runner-up. In May, I joined a group in Maplewood to help with my search, TransitionWorks (http://www.transitionworks.org/). Using William Bridges’ wonderful book Transitions as its foundation, TW consists of a workshop series where we explore our pasts in order to identify our intentions for the next phase of our lives. Following the workshop is an ongoing dialogue group, where people share their process and progress toward finding the “right fit” in terms of job, lifestyle and living their values. I was becoming ensconced in the group when physical trauma struck.

June 2 was my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary and we four kids (me, Alana, John and Ron) organized a celebration for them and their friends and relatives. It was a wonderful party – my brother John put together a video chronicling their lives together, my sister Alana gathered tons of photos and put together a beautiful memory book, I downloaded all their CDs and uploaded them on the gold iPod we four gave them, and my brother Ron organized the cakes and lots of set-up/break-down. Actually, all of us did physical labor, so I wasn’t surprised when my lower back began to hurt the morning of the party. After the party, I did what I normally do – went to bed, took muscle relaxants and ibuprofen (at different times), and saw the chiropractor. But this time, it didn’t work and the pain got worse and worse. I ended up having another spinal surgery on June 29, 2006 (L4 microdiskectomy to relieve pressure on the L4 sciatic nerve).

This was my fourth major surgery in seven years, and it dawned on me that I could no longer look for a big job because it required greater physical ability. The past six months have been among the most challenging times in my life, as I struggle to come to terms with being physically disabled. Fortunately, I have a private disability policy. Unfortunately, they required me to apply for Social Security Disability. That form was endless and took forever because I cannot sit for long periods of time. Now, all the forms are in and I await SSA’s determination. Only when they turn me down or accept me will my private insurance start to pay me. Meanwhile, I live on savings.

Physically, I’ve made many accommodations. I have significant pain every day and so am often quite exhausted. I sleep a lot more than I used to. I’ve had the flu three times this fall. It’s difficult for me to walk very far or do much exercise. I no longer lift and carry things, so need help with things like groceries. I traveled with the Cobles (my sister’s family) to Nebraska to visit my Uncle Ron and Aunt Cass, and stopped to see my brother John, sister-in-law Susi and niece Helen – and realize that I can’t really do long-distance travel anymore. Because cooking takes too great a toll on my back, I do very little of it. Thankfully, I am part of my sister’s household since I live just one house away from her. Every night, I eat with Alana, her husband Rick, and their 4 ½ year old daughter Julia (named for me). My housemate, Sue Brennan, helps a lot with the heavy work around the house, like taking the recycling out, and she takes care of the housecleaning. I see a local ART chiropractor twice a week and hope that will have good long-term results. Now that I’ve basically accepted my limits, I’d like to focus on my body becoming more able over time.

I withdrew from many loving friends over the past six months as my internal work was so consuming and my transition from physically able to less physically able so hard. My world got smaller, so living in Maplewood is a blessing for me. Sue’s partner Vivian often visits so it sometimes feels like the old days in NYC with my friend Anna and then Sean next door: an urban dorm gone suburban. I see my parents a lot, as they often come see Julia (and us) and visit David’s grave. My 14 year old niece Ana stays with me sometimes (less than I’d like), and I am learning about how difficult it is to be a teenager these days. I love her and am glad to be close enough to offer her a safe haven. I have two really good friends here, Phillipa and Leslie, and am slowly getting to know other people through Alana and little Julia.

I often get to pick Julia up from day care (we call it “school”) and attend some of the birthday parties and other events. I’m known as Auntie Julie. I love being so close to my sister and being such a huge part of her daughter’s life. Julia and I bonded deeply when her brother David was sick and Mommy (Alana) spent chunks of time in the hospital with him. Now, she has two houses and I have a real role in helping to raise her. My generous sister and brother-in-law are amazing in their acceptance of my partnership and love for their daughter. And my help allows my sister to work hard – she just spent two weeks in Dubai for work. My heart is slowly healing from the grief of losing David and City Harvest in the same year.

The question now is what do I do with my brain. Many people will deal with this issue: I have big brain capacity and limited body capacity, whereas I used to have big brain and big body capacity. I wonder what I can do, what I want to do, and how I can do it. Before my surgery, I laid groundwork for a number of things. I set up an LLC through which I could do consulting and coaching, Mission Advancement Consulting. I started working on an MBA through an on-line university, Cardean, which gets its very challenging courses from U of Chicago, Columbia, Stanford, Carnegie-Mellon and London School of Economics. I’m mid-way through that. I host a “Monday morning get-going” meeting at my house for people in TransitionWorks who are not working and need support and structure to stay on the trail. There, I’ve processed a lot of grief about City Harvest and anger and shame about how I was treated, in order to end that phase of my life and prepare for the next. And I’m writing in my blogs like this one. I find I can do things that allow me to set my own schedule and stay close to home: research, on-line classes, and writing.

Today, my goal is to write books that help people forge loving, positive lives in a challenging world. I’ve grappled with things many others face: alcoholism and addiction, job hunting and career building, family and community, self-acceptance and personal accountability, death of a child and other losses, getting fired, moving to the suburbs and creating new community. I’ve emerged strong, compassionate, and convinced that I must be kind to myself and to others. I also face uncommon issues like being a twin and an “almost mom.” I think my approach to these can help others with their unique circumstances. So I put this intention out into the universe to see what happens.

about how I learned to make decisions

2006-12-20T17:54:00.000-05:00

I've struggled with making decisions based on my own highest good rather than what other people think I should do. Using 12-step program tools permitted me to keep the focus on myself when making decisions. Keeping the focus on myself allowed me to use the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.

First, I became aware of how I'd been making decisions. My usual M.O. was to ask everyone I ran into what I should do. I collected opinions like other people collect recipes - indiscriminately - and then tossed them into a mental pile, not knowing which were most important and relevant, and then not knowing how to sort through them at all. Eventually, I'd pick one and do that, without thinking through the consequences. If I was unhappy with the decision I made, I'd whine about it and try to change it even if it was too late. I acted precipitously because I felt such an urgency to make a decision.

Next I had to accept that this was my decision-making process. That was very hard, because I immediately wanted it to be different. I had decided that if it was my process, it must be incorrect because I was a sick puppy. Didn't that mean that everything I had done prior to program was unhealthy? Then let me make it go away, be different, change it NOW! For me, the slogan "awareness, acceptance, and then action" let me know that I couldn't jump right from awareness to action. I needed to slow down and go through some process of acceptance. I didn't really know what acceptance meant, or what it would look like.

As I slowed down to observe my behavior and notice what I did, I found that there were elements of my decision-making that perhaps were worth salvaging. Perhaps they could be elements of a more effective, less stressful way of making decisions.

For instance, I noticed that if I rejected the idea that I had to make a decision RIGHT NOW!, then slowly some of the opinions I'd gathered floated to the top of my mind. I found myself thinking about them and assessing them against my gut feeling. That seemed like a great way of using feedback from others. The piece missing from my previous process was time. Time to consider, time to think through options, time to let God work, time for prayer. This became the foundation for the final step, action.

I now had a conceptual framework for making decisions of all sorts: Identify all my options, give myself some time and slow down or eliminate the feeling of urgency, ask for guidance from my higher power, and use my gut.

That last piece was really important and was a new element that I found myself adding to decision-making. I started "trying on" decisions. I'd decide one way, and see what my gut told me. If I felt like I couldn't live with the outcome, I knew I needed to go in a different direction, make a different decision. If I felt comfortable, then I'd made the right decision.

The final thing that helped me was what some Al-Anoner told me: there is no such thing as a wrong decision, there are only opportunities for growth. What I've taken from that is that I can make a decision and if it doesn't turn out to have the results I expected and wanted, I can still live with those results. And perhaps those are better results in the long run. I don't know.

I do know that I can improve my attitude toward whatever comes at me in my life. I always can look for the positives. I always can ask for help from people and from my Higher Power. I always can practice acceptance of life on life's terms. I can work the steps and make amends for decisions and actions I've taken that have harmed other people, and can learn from it so I don't have to repeat that behavior. I have come to see the truth and reality of the Promises that come after Step Nine in the AA Big Book: "we will not regret the past nor wish to change it. We will see how our experience can benefit others."

about being on the right path

2006-12-19T18:10:00.000-05:00

I just read a post from Lou Tice at the Pacific Institute about "Great Ideas - Your Choice." He lists seven ideas:

First, becoming your best self is a choice you make - every day.

Second, change happens through action and the understanding that we create our future.

Third, recognize and dwell on your strengths, use them constantly, and watch them grow.

Fourth, facing your fears is not a one-time event, but it gets easier the more you do it.

Fifth, procrastination does not exist. What exists is a passive choice to do nothing.

Sixth, believe in the importance of your ideas, and your ability to bring them into reality.

And, seventh, refuse to give up. Persist in the face of all opposition, every setback, and be totally, 100% committed to bringing about the end-result you desire.

It's similar to what we were saying yesterday at TransitionWorks Monday "Get Going Meeting" about forming our intention, summoning up the motivation to take action, and trusting our instincts. I particularly agree with the third, fourth, fifth and sixth ideas, with one caveat on the fifth. I do believe that there is no such thing as procrastination, and I suppose it is a passive choice to do nothing. What I also think, however, is that it's worth examining the procrastination to discover that I've chosen to do nothing.

It's worth understanding that procrastination may be a sign that I'm not supposed to do the thing I'm not doing. There is always some reason for not doing something and I can discover it if I explore a little, and if I let a little time go by. I've found that there are times when the seeming procrastination was in fact appropriate because I didn't have enough information to take the right action.

For example, I was supposed to call a funding source to inquire about applying for another grant. I kept putting off the call, to the dismay and increasing disgust of my fundraising staff. I could just hear them muttering "why doesn't she just make the damn call? Is my work not important to her?" etc. Well, it turned out that by waiting two weeks, I gathered some information from other staff people that resulted in our developing a unique approach to a problem - viewing hunger as a public health problem. When I called the funding source, she was so excited by this view and the program possibilities, that she arranged a meeting of her other grantees and we were able to make alliances that resulted in significant new dollars - from the funder in question as well as new sources. I debriefed the whole episode with the development staff so they could understand that sometimes there's an unrecognized method to my seeming madness. I just trusted that I'd take the action when it was right, and wouldn't until it felt right.

I think Tice still "shoulds" a little bit on people, especially in his seventh idea. Sometimes too many obstacles are the universe's way of telling me to stop, reassess, think about what paths are open that are free of obstacles and perhaps head that way. Sometimes I do need to find a way around the obstacles or wait for the obstacles to disappear, if I am clear all the way to my core that I am headed in the right direction. I have found it distinctly dangerous to plunge headlong into obstacles without a little time for reflection and recalibrating.

I'm not giving up on my goal, nor do I advocate that anyone give up if they feel so strongly that they are on the right path and headed toward the goal for them. Just...pause for a moment, catch your breath, refocus, look around for another next step. There's always more than one way to get to one's goal.

I believe we can trust our instinct and sense of timing when we're in the search. Part of the search is observing what we do effortlessly and with enthusiasm, and what we find ourselves unwilling or reluctant to do. Those are key signposts pointing us to the path that is right for us.

I remember my therapist years ago telling me to pay attention to my instincts even in the smallest of things, as training to learn to trust myself to make the right choices for myself. So I'd hear a little inner voice saying "don't go down that block" and I wouldn't. I shudder to think of what might have happened if I'd gone down that block - maybe nothing, but I have been mugged and splashed by cars and rudely bumped into and other things. Sometimes I'd hear the voice "buy the milk" and would think "oh, I have plenty of milk at home" and not buy it, only to get home and not have any milk. I'd forgotten that I'd made something the night before and used up all the milk.

The thing about signposts is that they do point me in a direction - and it's helpful to know generally where I want to go. That's where intent comes in. The signs along the way help me formulate my intent - it's like if I want to relax but don't know where I can best relax. I'm on the road and I see a sign for the beach and that attracts me. So I head in that direction. Maybe the roads will all be clear to get me to the beach because that's the best place for me to relax. Maybe there will be terrible traffic jams on the way to the beach. So I look around for a road that's clear, and eventually end up in a forest, or by a lake, or back at my own home. The point is that eventually the signs along the road will help me zero in on where I want to be and will help me get there. I may not know when I start out but eventually I'll get there and recognize it when I do.

I may be at the point where I know where I want to go - it feels right, solid, joyful. I just don't know the best way to get there. Again, there will be signposts - my gut will tell me things (feels good : ) go there! or feels bad :( stay away), stuff keeps getting in the way or nothing falls into place or it's taking fooooreeeeveeeer, everything flows easily and falls into place quickly. My job is to pay attention and then take the next right action.

While driving in England, I was struck by the many different roads and byways that led to the same places. I'd be looking for Ashdown on the map, and I had at least two equally long or short ways to get there from Pangbourne. Once I got to Ashdown, I could go several miles in the wrong direction and see a sign leading to Pangbourne. I came to count on the interrelatedness of all the roads. My mother and I drove up to Coventry one day and on the way back, got off the A1 because the traffic was backing up outside of Reading. I knew that we would find our way to Pangbourne even without a map and in the dark on those twisty, turny country roads with single lanes and lay-bys. We did, simply by looking for the signposts. I know we made a couple of "wrong" turns, meaning that we drove a bit longer than strictly needed. But even in the dark, we saw some lovely little town centres and farm land - new views and experiences we would have missed by following the straightest path.

An important signpost for me is when I get angry at people pushing me. For me, anger is a sign that I am out of balance and feeling uncomfortable with my path. So it's time for a little self-reflection. What was it that was making me so angry? Usually there's a phrase or word or tone that especially annoyed me. If I dig a little around that annoyance, I might find that the person has pinpointed my own inner disturbance, something that I don't want to pay attention to because it is too much trouble or too painful or too much work or too much for me to handle - so I fear.

For example, the fact that I'm physically disabled is extremely difficult for me to accept. In the beginning of this journey in June, I got so angry at people who'd suggest that I simply had to do more exercise or therapy or lose weight or something to get my body back in shape. I also got angry at people who suggested that I should move more quickly to apply for disability. And I got angry at people who suggested I should look for part-time work or full-time work or consulting or something. I was just so out of balance that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Finally I realized that I needed some time to adjust internally, to pay attention to what I physically could and could not do, to try some things that felt right (like a specific kind of chiropractic treatment and lots of sleep) and frankly, to feel a little sorry for myself and especially to grieve the loss of my formerly active life and capable body.

Once I realized I needed that time and allowed myself to take it, I no longer got angry at people's suggestions. I understood that they loved me and were having their own difficulty processing and accepting this shift in my life. Their suggestions came out of love and from their own discomfort, perhaps from their need to feel powerful in the face of something they had no power over.

My anger was not a sign that I should have been doing something different. It was a sign that I was engaged in some internal processing, some adjustment to a new way of being in the world. Once I became conscious and aware of that, I no longer struggled against other people. I recognized that the struggle was my own and my anger was a way of avoiding it, of externalizing it. I guess it felt too big to handle on my own.

Paradoxically, when I realized that I was grieving a past way of living and being, I could share that with my friends and it eased my burden as well as noticeably easing their own discomfort.

Here's my version of Tice's seven great ideas:

First, understand that you create your own future, that you have power to improve your inner self and outer reality as long as you can envision it.

Second, believe that your intention, idea, and goal are important. Believe in your ability to bring them into reality.

Third, recognize and dwell on your strengths, use them constantly, and watch them grow.
Becoming your best self is a choice you make - every day.

Fourth, change happens through action and you can take some positive action every day.

Fifth, facing your fears is not a one-time event, but it gets easier the more you do it.

Sixth, procrastination does not exist. What exists is a passive choice to do nothing. Be aware that you are making the choice and explore why.

And, seventh, refuse to give up. Persist in the face of all opposition, every setback, and be totally, 100% committed to bringing about the end-result you desire. Believe that there is a way to your heart's dream and you will find it. Believe that if you envision it, it's already there waiting for you.

about perception

2006-12-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

I just wish I could express what I feel so it reaches air. So you can feel it, too. Words don’t express that much, though. And I’m not sure that anyone has ever managed to make anyone else feel what she feels. All feeling is transposed by our own experiential lens, our memory filter, our sensory makeup. Moviemakers come closest. Or is it musicians?

So here’s something I’ve always wondered: do you see the same blue I see when I use the word blue? How do we know we’re seeing the same thing? What if what looks like blue to me is really red to you, except because we use the same word, we believe we are seeing the same thing? Every time you see your blue, I see my blue so that’s ok, we’re on the same wavelength. But are we seeing the same thing? Really? And how could we tell? Because my filter will always tell me I see blue and so will yours. Even scientific instruments can’t distinguish for us, because we see their results through our own innate lenses.

And so it could be with feelings. I listen to a piece of music and want to cry. You say it makes you sad, too. And I see your tears, just as you see mine. I touch your tears, they are as warm and moist as mine. Seems like we’re having the same feeling. But I don’t know what your “sad” feels like. I only know what mine feels like. Mine feels icy and spiky sometimes, hot and deep others. And those words barely scratch the surface. Sadness feels like the end, the absolute “over” state, done, finished, nowhere to go, surrender and collapse. Sadness is relief. Sadness is unrequited. There is nothing but it. It is high and wide, long and deep, shallow and smoldering, obvious and lurking, creeping slowly into consciousness to take over as it has already overcome all unconsciousness. I am surprised by sadness. I start to cry and know that I have been sad for a while. It’s been rising like yeasted bread, shaping my mood and reactions before I’m even aware that it’s there. A little shortness here, a hesitation there. My throat catches, David flashes by, and there they come at last, the tears of release. Release, relief, grief.

Does any of that sound familiar? Does any of that resonate within your core? Can you understand how I feel by reading my words? Is your feeling of grief the same as mine? Or do we just approximate our empathy based on trust? It takes a great leap of faith to voice a feeling. To admit to feeling something to another is the most vulnerable of states. For you cannot feel my feeling, I cannot transmit it to you. It remains within me, mine, expressible only by words, movement, facial signs. I trust that you will have some knowledge of your own similar feelings, enough for you to cast yourself somewhat into that state and fish out a bit of compassion. You cannot feel my feelings, yet in re-feeling your own, you may approximate empathy. You may sense my need by recalling your own. You may give me the space and time and attention to fully feel my feelings without envying me that experience.

Maybe those who have a paucity of feeling are envious. I don’t know if there are people who lack feeling, more that there are people who lack experiences of fully feeling. I can’t stop to think of why that would be. Just know that there are those whose emotional vocabulary is small as yet.

about how people can launch a non-profit CAREER

2006-12-07T14:04:00.000-05:00

Again, something I wrote last year (2005) when I was seeking to do good in the world and pass on my knowledge base. First, I realized I needed to record my knowledge! I never really did anything with the Twelve Tips site, because I got consulting work and then caught up in getting the job at NYRP. And after I left there, it just was too depressing to do anything helpful. Now, I can!

This is aimed especially at young people who really want to work in non-profits, and many tips are applicable to disenchanted entry-level private sector people, too. The tips are pretty general, and should really be separated into:

1) How to get your first non-profit job

2) How to turn your non-profit job into a career

And different guidance is needed for people in the private sector who are looking to start a second chapter in life. Certainly, they should follow the first four tips. Then talk to friends or colleagues who know people in the field(s) you particularly like and network your way into a job.

At any rate, here's what I wrote last year:

1. Find a cause you love and believe in passionately

2. Search the web for a non-profit in your local area that works on that cause

3. Volunteer to do anything for that group just to get experience

4. Do informational interviews with leaders at that and other non-profits (not just the CEO!) to find out how they got started

5. Look for an entry-level position in the classified section of the most prestigious paper in your region, at idealist.com and other web job search sites (craigslist, monster, Chronicle of Philanthropy)

6. Treat the non-profit as you would a for-profit - with respect! Dress up for the interview, do your homework, have some questions, be humble.

7. Do more than the job you're hired to do - happily.

8. Learn to anticipate what your boss wants/needs, and provide it!

9. Work with others - help them, ask for help.

10. Avoid office politics and intrigue - gossips are viewed as troublemakers.

11. Remember why you wanted to work in the field and rekindle your passion.

12. Network with others in the field, keep your ears and eyes open for jobs and causes that could be your next step along (even at your current place of employment).

Again, every one of these points can be elaborated on. Maybe that's my next task - to flesh it all out in a separate blog. Or a separate website. I have to get that website going...

about making meaningful charitable contributions

2006-12-07T14:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote this in 2005, not long after leaving City Harvest. It's on aol in a blog called "Twelve Tips" but I realize I need all my blog stuff in one place. Here it is, without edits:

1. Identify what you feel passionate about, what you wish you could work on full-time, where you want to make a difference.

2. Determine how much you want to donate.

3. Go to charitynavigator.com and search for groups that work on your issue(s)

4. Do your homework: read the profiles, find out about their missions and activities, budgets, sources of funds.

5. Don't assume that groups with two and three star ratings are not as good as those with four stars. Younger organizations, organizations that raise primarily private (not government) funds, and human services groups can tend to have higher fundraising expenses - it costs money to raise money!

6. Go to the web sites of those that really interest you.

7. If you have a little to give ($500 or less), you might want to choose a smaller charity so your gift has more of an impact.

8. If you have more to give, find out what the organization(s) consider a "major gift." Any gift less than that amount shouldn't be earmarked for a specific project - the organization just can't afford to track it.

9. Major gifts (usually $1000 and up) mean you're serious about the organization and they will consider that you are starting a relationship with them. So feel free to call and ask questions, or e-mail them. Gifts of $5000 or more may be worth making a site visit or meeting with a staff person.

10. Gifts of any amount can be made all at once or over time. Many groups have monthly giving clubs.

11. Consider making fewer and bigger donations in order to have more impact.

12. Remember that your financial support is vitally important to the organization's ability to fulfill its mission. You are a critical partner, a valuable member of the team.

I think this could use some edits to make it more applicable to folks with incomes less than 6 figures, but basically the right steps are there.

about shopping smarter

2006-12-07T13:20:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I should share the good news about getting money back when I shop. It's hard to believe, but there is a shopping portal - Spree.com - that actually keeps track of how much money I spend at various member sites and then sends me a check a couple months later - after I've racked up at least $25 in cash-back rewards.

I like that it's a check and not a paper record of "cashback bonuses" attached to a credit card. If I use the credit card, I probably incur interest and that just about uses up all the cashback bonus. I'd rather use my American Express, rack up points with which I can get stuff, and get cash back from Spree.com.

While I have cut back on my spending considerably since being unemployed, I do still have to buy things - gifts, clothes to fit my expanding waistline, shoes, underwear, food, cleaning supplies, books, office supplies, gardening supplies, etc. So I've figured that I should pay for everything with one card, the one that requires me to pay it off immediately: Amex. And I get Rewards Points.

Those add up quickly, I have found, and are VERY useful for big-ticket items that I just couldn't stomach paying for with cash. For instance, I just got a Dyson vacuum cleaner for 66,000 points. I have wanted one since it first came out. But it costs $600 or so. No way was I going to shell out that kind of cash. Now, I happened to have that many points. What else am I going to do with them? Sure, I can get small things, but that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why use 10,000 points for something that costs less than $100? Psychologically, I can handle $100 or $200 or maybe even $300 in cash. But no more than that. So points are a fantastic way to get those expensive items without spending any more cash than I already have. And I've found that I don't have to pay freight/shipping when I get one of the big-ticket items. It's like free money! I've gotten outdoor furniture, a combo TV/VCR/DVD player, rugs, a dehumidifier and camera with points.

Other people use their points for airplane trips. Since I don't really go anywhere anymore, I don't need to save them for that. Points are the perfect currency for a shopaholic like me who has less money than she'd like.

And when I do spend cash money? Going through Spree.com is the way for me. It has almost all the stores and brands I like, and if it doesn't, it has a reasonable fascimile. Kathy Bevacqua was a jewel to turn me on to it. I don't understand why other people are reluctant to use it. Is it the "too good to be true" idea? Or laziness? Or absent-mindedness? Sometimes I buy without going through Spree - and could kick myself afterwards. Maybe my writing about it is a way to reinforce for me that it is a SMART way to shop.

about transitions

2006-12-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

This fall, I began hosting a Monday morning "get going" meeting for people who are part of TransitionWorks (www.transitionworks.org) here in Maplewood, NJ.

TransitionWorks is a workshop/dialogue/community for and of people who are making a work-related transition. Many of us have been laid off or let go or downsized or "early retired" at least once. Most of us are unwilling or unable (is there a difference really?) to take just another job. We feel something is missing - we're tired of doing what we're supposed to do and want to do something more fulfilling, or we're sick of the rat race and commuting and want to spend more time with family and friends, or we just don't like doing the same thing we've done for 20 to 30 years. It's time for a change.

Actually, many of us have tried change and that hasn't worked. We move to a different job, but it feels the same. What we need is .... TRANSITION!

John Harvey (founder of TransitionWorks) and Alfred Milanese (co-director) base the workshop on William Bridges' book Transitions. The book focuses on how transition is different from change in its depth and range. Change is something that happens to us or that we make relatively quickly. Transition is more of a process. Bridges talks about transition being made up of endings, the neutral zone, and beginnings. One has to end something in order to begin something new. And after ending something, there is a space before beginning anew - he calls it the neutral zone. I call it "the dark hallway between the door God just closed and the one he'd better open soon." It's the pitchblack hallway where I cannot see clearly ahead of me. I can only feel my way along, moving slowly and exploring the interior landscape - oh, this is a wall, or this is a door but it's locked, and here's a window sill - I feel it but it's still now quite right, not quite the right door. I'll know it when I get there! And the door will open when it's the right fit.

The TransitionWorks workshop is fantastic - it helped me end my past life and oriented me to being in the neutral zone. And slowly, I'm beginning a new phase.

Part of my new phase is hosting these Monday meetings as an adjunct to the TransitionWorks workshops. After hearing a number of people talk about being stuck, John urged us to meet during the day to give each other encouragement and support to continue moving toward our ultimate objective. The Monday meeting was intended to be a short one, just to help us focus on what we did the past week and what we intend to do in the coming week. But it has evolved into something different.

The meetings have evolved into two and 1/2 to three hour long sessions. This ensures that everyone has a chance to talk through their current status and get feedback from the group. Group members ask questions, challenge each other, make observations, and gently push each other toward more focused intention, more embracing of our own strengths and abilities, and more confidence in our capacity to find the right fit. Every experience is used as a chance to learn, and we help each other transform deep disappointment into another step toward realizing our dreams.

“Didn’t get that job? Fabulous! You’re one step closer to the right one!”

“Hated the people at the interview? Great, because now you have more information about who you DON’T want to work with.”

It’s a great follow-up to the TransitionWorks workshop - a chance to refine our objective and intention, see how it plays out in real life, and then talk about it with a group of supportive people in the same boat. All of us are getting permission to follow our instincts, to quiet the desperation that may force us to take just any job, and to feel confident that we WILL find the right fit.

We remind each other of what Alfred and John have told all of us - that we can pursue a dual path - take a job for money while keeping the dream alive and taking steps toward it. One refinement of that statement is that we don’t have to take just ANY job to make money - it too can be a “right fit” even if it’s not the perfect fit. Yesterday, someone said if we like 80% of a job, we’re doing fantastically. Likewise, if we like 60-70% of a job, it’s worth taking while we continue to work toward getting the one that’s 80%+.

Yesterday morning, five of us met. One prior attendee couldn’t make it because he’s finishing up a consulting gig before starting his new full-time job! It was awesome watching him transform in six or seven weeks from unfocused to extremely focused and successful in finding the “right fit.”
The key for him was zeroing in on HIMSELF - what he wanted from a job and what he had to offer. Monday mornings helped him get that focus, gave him permission to pay attention to and explore his feelings and instincts, and validated his pursuit of work that would fulfill him.

Another member is getting a job offer this week, for a job that she basically created out of her clear intention and networking. I'm much clearer about what I want to do, within my physical limits. And I'm meeting fascinating people who have amazing skills and are willing and able to help each other.

It's like watching a 12 step program come to life but without a substance or disease as its focus. We are focused on helping each other find the "right fit" - an occupation where I can use my abilities in service of my passion, and continue to learn and grow.

about principles of recovery

2006-12-04T15:13:00.000-05:00

I'm only now understanding that I need other 12 step meetings for my daily survival and growth. It's pretty easy to go to meetings devoted to keeping alcohol at bay. It's more difficult to go to those devoted to helping me keep fear and judgement at bay. Those feelings are so familiar, I barely notice when they take over and begin to insinuate themselves into every portion of my life.

The emotional form of the disease of alcoholism is just as "cunning, baffling and powerful" as the alcohol form. And so I am starting to viscerally understand that my quality of life is dependent on the extent to which I work my program.

I was initially attracted to 12 step when I realized that it could help me deal with the alcoholics in my life - active and recovering. As I watched people with time in program, I realized I didn't actually have to deal with the alcoholics in my life, I could deal with my own life and the alcoholics would be part of, not the focus of, my life. It would be MY life, instead of my life as a function of the alcoholic's life. That was VERY attractive to me.

I was especially attracted to the consistent members - those who attended meetings and shared because program was their lifeline, their home, their support, come thick or thin, good times and difficult. In my fledgling days, I began to think uncharitably about those people who only came to meetings during a crisis and then disappeared when things got better. They took and didn't give. That was NOT attractive to me. I liked the people who lived the axiom "you can'tkeep it unless you give it away."

Oops. As always, I have become the very person I judged.

I have to laugh at myself for being so predictable and so human. Myjudgements always come home to roost. And in the spirit of humility, I try to use these experiences to develop compassion for myself and others. As the preamble says "we aren't perfect."

Now that I realize this, too, I can amend my behavior and begin showing up consistently. I can be one of those people whose attendance ensures that a meeting can happen, whose sharing provides an example of the principles, and whose participation allows someone else to be attracted to the program.

about disability

2006-11-17T12:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning, I went to see Miss Barron at Newark's Social Security Administration building on Springfield Avenue. We discussed my application for disability. I used the SSA's web-based application process, which included completing a voluminous medical and work history inventory (they call it a report). The printed version of the report is an inch thick.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised by how friendly and helpful she was, and a little depressed by how positive she was about the merits of my case. She sent it all off to the State SSA office, who will make the final determination. If I get turned down, I appeal. Miss Barron felt that I had a strong case already, however, because I've had so many surgeries and have seen so many doctors and am still seeking treatment. It takes three to five months for a determination to be made. I brought and signed 18 copies of a medical records release form, and my assumption is that the medical review is what takes the time. First they have to request the records, then review them, then decide if I have to see one of their doctors (at no cost to me, of course), and then decide if they really believe I can't work.

The drag is that I can't work. Oh, I can do little things here and there, I suppose. I can't do anything that requires me to show up for other people, though, because I can't count on my energy level or on my body to be relatively pain-free. Most jobs require you to be there when other people need you. So my physical ability to work is disjointed, unpredictable and extremely limited anyway. Monday afternoon I did about an hour of light garden work - cutting off dead flowers, taking them to the back yard compost pile, cutting herbs and freezing them for later use, sweeping the front porch. I was completely exhausted and in terrible pain by the end of the time because of course I pushed myself beyond my pain and energy level. I had to take a nap, and Tuesday was a lost day. I slept until 2 p.m., did some computer stuff, reclined in a chair to read, dragged myself to Alana's for dinner, and was in bed by 9:30 p.m. again. It is very disheartening to recognize continuing physical limitations, yet again. For this is not the first time I have had such experiences. The only way I have consistent energy levels is when I do almost nothing every day. Then I can get up before noon and have some energy for my niece Julia before supper, go to a meeting, talk on the phone, maybe do a little shopping, go on-line to read & send e-mail, and look up stuff that interests me. I also am taking on-line classes, and can do the work when I'm able to - no schedule to adhere to except weekly deadlines for assignments. Everyone else in the classes is working full-time, and I think I'm the only one to get my work in late. Oh well.

It's been incredibly depressing, hence the length of time between posts on this blog. As I get used to my condition, I feel a little better emotionally, and more able to communicate. Acceptance is key.

Now I just have to complete the process of dealing with my private insurer to get them to pay for my disability that I've paid premiums on for years. They are definitely not very nice. I'm hoping that with federal SSA's concurrence with dates, etc. I can get them to agree sooner rather than later. For they will agree, of that I am sure and determined to make happen.

Gotta go lie down - back and hip hurt!

about depressions and transitions

2006-09-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

Is there such a thing as post-surgical depression? If not, there should be. Well, actually, for me there was. I had my fourth major surgery this past June 29, and I spent the summer deeply depressed and isolated. I simply could not pull myself out of it. Nor, to be frank, did I want to make the effort. It felt like the natural course of events, and I allowed myself to be exactly where I was. Other people grew afraid for me. Of course, it took them weeks to say anything. And by the time they said something, I was coming out of it.

Actually, the last post helped me get out of it. It just put things in perspective. I'm limited but not helpless. My brain still functions. My heart has so much love and room in it for more. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am not so worried by the past anymore.

I believe I have ended my previous chapter, turning the page from the "Executive Director" section to the "who knows now" section. And the ending feels good. At last. As I come to terms with the end of my sense of physical invincibility and sturdiness, the reality of my damaged spinal discs, and the ongoing pain in my right hip, I also am able to accept that my old work ways are no longer possible. The satisfactions I once had, the racing around NYC from meeting to meeting, long hours and attendance at fancy events, the wonderful food and fun people, the ego boosts and semi-celebrity status - all that is in the past. I loved it all. I am so happy I got the chance to live that way, to experience all I did, to contribute all I did, to know and work with the people I did. It was an incredible, blessed period of my life.

And it's over.

Now what? Well, I'm in William Bridges' "neutral zone" - which I affectionately call the "dark hallway between the closed door and the door yet to open." I grope about, trying to feel my way along, hoping to happen across the next door handle and half-hoping that the door opens all of a sudden, banging into me and blinding me with daylight and possibility and clarity. And when I recover from being brained, I will know that I am doing what is next, what I am meant to do on my path.

Probably that will not happen. It will be more like me groping about, feeling a door that is slightly ajar, just enough for me to slide my fingers in and pull it slowly open to gradually reveal just the first step on a path that is enshrouded with mist. The visible first step is enough. It's like when I find a nickel or penny or dime or quarter on the ground and take it as a sign I'm on the right path. It doesn't matter if the penny is upside-down - it's currency, and a sign that I am in the current, flowing in the right direction.

All my various fancies and foibles are going on display in this blog. Free at last, thank God, we are free at last!

about work and meaning

2006-08-31T12:43:00.000-04:00

Lofty title for a basic issue. If I'm not working, what am I doing? If I'm not doing, am I being? "We're human beings, not human doings." "Don't just do something, sit there!"

That made theoretical sense to me. What does it mean, though? In real life?

I still don't know what it all means but I know I don't much like finding out. Now that I'm experiencing the "being not doing" way of life, I understand why I avoided it for as long as I possibly could. It is depressing, frankly.

I don't really want to 'fess up to that. I mean, I have so much recovery and therapy and self-knowledge and Zoloft - how on earth could I be depressed? Then I remember that there is situational depression - there are life situations that are doggone depressing. Being out of work and unable to work full-time qualifies as one of those situations. And as my friend Susana pointed out, if Zoloft took away all feelings, I wouldn't be able to take it safely. Zoloft deals with chemical imbalances, not life imbalances.

So where am I? In limbo. Maybe I'll work, maybe I won't. I have two projects to focus on - one for pay, one for no pay. I can't really get excited about either of them. And I'm doing the MBA work and it takes up a lot of my time and energy. I can't seem to fill out the paperwork for disability even though I will need money fairly soon. And truly, I feel physically disabled. My hip hurts a lot, I'm tired and have no stamina. My back hurts if I walk or bend or sit too long. But I can't really come to terms with that big a life change.

"Surrender, Dorothy!"

(I'm Dorothy, if you haven't guessed.)

OK, let me tell myself the truth. Disabled doesn't mean unable. It means some more limitations on what I can do, not what I can be or am. It means I've arrived at a junction, a resting spot, the start of a new phase of my journey.

Coming to terms with this is psychically painful, if only because of all the noise in my brain about what does it mean for my future, my ability to have an impact, my day to day activities, my work life, my personality and tendency to isolate, who are my friends, where will I live, will I be poor, will I lose my house, will no one love me ever? Very noisy. Generally meaningless, now that I write it down. All "what ifs," that have no bearing on the facts today.

So what is relevant today? I need to focus on the next right step, the one right in front of me. And don't worry about meaning today. In the main, I've discovered meaning in retrospect, not in the present. How do I know then what today will mean a hundred tomorrows from now? I don't and I can't, so why worry about it today?

My work is not to find meaning today, my work is to do what is in front of me today, and be OK with that (and not be mean to myself!)

about fear and faith

2006-08-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

There are times when I feel such deep terror about the future - will I have interesting work? Will I have enough money? Will I be alone? Fortunately, it no longer keeps me awake at night. Because at almost-48 years old, I have enough experience to make faith a reasonable bet. I have always had interesting work, enough money, and friends and family who love me. And while I have rarely anticipated what path I will end up traveling, the paths have been clear and illuminating.

Is a faith that relies on experience a contradiction? I prefer to think of it as a faith informed by experience, reinforced and validated by my 20/20 hindsight. Having faith that I would be OK no matter what happened took a lot of effort in my 20's. I had to pray fervently, using the Serenity Prayer as a mantra, sometimes for hours as I lay wakeful in my little girl bed in the tiny Village apartment I was blessed to secure.

That was one of my first lessons in faith in a power greater than myself and in the power of the universe to fall in place supporting my convictions and fulfilling my current greatest need. I got to Second Coming Records and talked to Andre, who had tried to call the realtor to say he'd accept the client they'd just sent. But the phone was out of order, and he decided he liked me more. So I got the apartment for $500 a month - at a time when I was working in the South Bronx and making $18,000 a year. It was a third floor walkup with three front windows, a fireplace, and a full bathroom with a half-size bathtub. There was a 4-foot square kitchen and a sort-of closet by the front door. If I stood at one point in the apartment, I could touch both walls. I felt so unbelievably lucky to have gotten it!

My first NYC apartment was right in the heart of Greenwich Village, on Sullivan Street between Bleecker and West 3rd Street, just up the street from the social clubs. I think they were part of the Gambino family empire. I'm sure I saw Carmine slobbing around in his bathrobe at various times. And often, there were folding chairs occupied by men in guinea T's or short-sleeved button-front shirts and baggy pants, just talking and smoking in front of the blocked-off glass storefronts. They never said a word to me, but sometimes nodded when I said hello.

At that time, the neighborhood was strewn with mafiosi in their 40's, 50's, 60's and beyond. There was the weird clothing store on Bleecker just east of 6th Avenue that could not possibly have made any money. I think the guy's name was Joey who hung out there and always said hello to me. Sometimes I'd see him on Sullivan Street or down the block at the sausage store. But mostly he was at the clothing store across from John's Pizzeria. I always thought he was not quite there, perhaps a little slow, but he was obviously well-loved and respected. And, as I said, he always greeted me and I him. I often wondered what happened to him after the clothing store closed and an Italian restaurant opened in its place.

It was a safe neighborhood because of the heavy Italian population, so even in 1982 when NYC was a rat-hole, I loved it. I was 24, of course, and no different from most other young people in feeling invincible much of the time. There were those times, however, when I would succumb to the paranoia that had developed during my final years of drinking. I was convinced I would be mugged or raped or murdered - on the street, in the subway, in my very apartment.

The apartment scenario was pretty easily dispensed with, because how could I be harmed on a block guarded by goombas? My faith in them was justified when traffic was blocked from coming up Sullivan while the NYU Law Library was being excavated from under Sullivan between West 3rd and West 4th. The traffic noise had been unbearable for a couple of weekends, with car horns and yelling and exhaust overwhelming the street until 3 and 4 a.m. because cars had to turn onto West 3rd instead of being able to go up to West 4th. Then one night, it was quiet. I looked out the window and saw an empty street. No one ever confirmed it for me, but the mob was still pretty connected in 1983 - and I'm sure the NYPD stepped in at a Gambino's request.

The other fears were not so easily dealt with. I remember walking from the #6 subway stop at 149th Street in the Bronx up to Leggett Avenue and the Bronx Frontier offices, and feeling so incredibly vulnerable. I was 23, 24, 25 - slim and cute. Cars would pass and slow, and sometimes men would call out "hey, chica" or whistle. I repeated over and over "God, let me feel your loving arms around me" and "surround me with your golden light." And amazingly, I would feel loving arms around me and I would sense golden warmth, and the fear would be gone. Another lesson in the strength of prayer, the reality of faith working.

I was willing to try it all because others told me it worked for them. And the Big Book and 12&12 said "this is the way to a faith that works." Boy, did I want such a faith. Having been at the utter nadir of life, hopeless and despairing, I did not want to return there. I needed a different way. I needed hope. And faith offers hope. Otherwise, it's back to the abyss of "is that all there is? and why the hell am I here anyway? what good is life?" I suppose that I make the choice every day to remain hopeful, to remain optimistic, to remain open to possibility, to remain curious about what happens next, and to remain confident that all will be as it should be.
Plus, every psychic I've ever gone to has told me that I will always have enough money. That's my ace in the hole...in case this God thing isn't real!

About The Devil Wears Prada

2006-08-02T22:21:00.000-04:00

It was a horror film. The stuff of my nightmares. Those cinematic happenings were eerily reminiscent of actual real events in my life. Rushing around to clean the office before SHE comes in? Been there, done that. Hearing the personalization of everything as in "she was my biggest disappointment" - HER version was "who let me down?" Pompous, self-aggrandizing, an amazing sense of her own worth, and an entourage of handlers who felt the glory of her reflection as well as the fear of being dressed down, found wanting, failing, being cut off and cut down with a look or expression or moue of disgust, or even worse, a word or phrase. Felt that, hated it.

What is it about our society that fixates on celebrities? I have been up close and personal with some, and frankly, they are by and large obnoxious, self-obsessed, and rude to the mass of peons who occupy the planet. Not to mention often drunk or on drugs. Whenever someone tells me that a celebrity is a great person, I completely disbelieve it. The public persona may be lovely, but just cross that person and I firmly believe the claws will come out. Maybe there are some people they know for years from before they were famous and with them they can be themselves and lovely and everything. Mazel tov to them. I'm very happy for them. But I believe that they cannot let a new person in. They can let certain people get somewhat close - people who can talk to them carefully and inoffensively, and people who don't mind being treated like crap once in a while. Those people need to have thick skins and a clear sense that the celebrity really is more important than they are.

I'm bitter because I was unable to adjust and become a celebrity pal. I'm bitter because I was kicked out of my own mini-celebrity position at City Harvest and cast into the wildnerness. And so I condemn all celebrities. While still craving it for myself. Sad, sad humanity, that's me.

I'm Still Thinking

2006-07-19T04:02:00.000-04:00

and feeling, and wondering. What comes next? Tonight, I cried and cried for my lost life. It felt as if I hadn't really grieved yet. Yes, I cried a lot after being unceremoniously and cruelly dumped by my former employer. After 11 years of service, putting my whole self into making that organization a place that was hip and cool, this is the way I'm treated. Like a pariah, a nobody, the invisible woman. I ceased to exist for people I worked with and liked, people I thought saw me. Nope. When power and prestige enter the equation, all personal feelings go out the window. Or so it seems in this instance.

When I was watching The Devil Wears Prada, I was transported back to my most recent job. While BM sometimes tried to be nice, most of the time she was imperious and rude. And the attitudes and behavior of staff were very similar to those portrayed in the movie. It was my first real exposure to the world of the rich, famous and powerful.

All my hard work at CH meant that I created a place attractive to the rich, famous and powerful. I really didn't know that they were as ruthless as they are. It's all about them, period. Egos the size of Manhattan. I'm amazed that they can fit into the same room together. And when push came to shove, most of them were completely cowardly, unprincipled, lacking integrity or moral fiber. I say that because not a single Board member has taken any responsibility for behaving like jerks - no, not so mild - behaving like Machiavelli's Prince. What untruths were told about me? And why did no one talk to me, ever, about it?

What I see now, I suppose, is that they felt and continue to feel perfectly justified in what they did. "It's business" is probably the refrain. Why do so many people believe that feelings and human kindness have no role in business? I was surprised to see "managerial opinions and thoughts" in the considerations to be factored into a company's strategic decision-making process. It's mostly about facts and figures, of course, but the human element does figure into decision-making. Just not at CH in January 2005.

So now what do I do? I have lost that place in the world, and also lost what I thought would be my next place. And I can't count on my body at all, after four surgeries in seven years, and probably some more to come. It feels like my life is over.

I am working toward an MBA, of course, and I can't forget that Adam Rubin needs my help with his project. Can I get the energy up to really do the work that's needed? We shall see.

The recovery from this L5 surgery is longer than the L3 recovery - of course, I am five or so years older now. 47 going on 48 in August, and I feel my life is over. That because my body is so unreliable, I'll not be able to work hard any more. Certainly no full-time work. Consulting is just not in my blood. I can do it, I'm sure, and I'll work on liking it. I like belonging to something bigger. I like partners. I like to work with my friends.

I always say I want to write. Write what? Oh, everything! Blogs, books - fiction and non-fiction - and articles, movie scripts, poems. My dream is to write a mystery. And to have a regular column somewhere to showcase my thoughts. And to affect public opinion because of what I write. I want and need a big stage. The thing is, this want/need is ego-based, in that I'm not entirely sure of what I will write or say but am convinced that when I do figure it out, I can be earthshatteringly impactful. It will be incredibly, staggeringly original, and I will prove capable of communicating clearly to all folks as well as of forming a relationship with my public. The rub is the content. My opinions shift, my ability to form a lasting opinion is limited by my tendency to listen to other people and be swayed somewhat by their opinions. Such shifting is downright unAmerican these days of having a strong opinion, choosing sides, taking a stand. Very oppositional - two ends of the spectrum - black and white, crisp and clear boundaries that are not to be violated lest one be accused of inconsistency.

Was it Hawthorne who said "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a small mind?" Foolish consistency is the hallmark of American politics and public opinion today - at least it is according to the pollsters and media gurus and spinmeisters. I wonder, though. Surely I can't be the only person who has entertained thoughts that some may find treasonous. Surely I am not the only person to see shades of grey in any question.

And I'm not thinking here of the theorists who have dissected business negotiations and interpersonal communication to discover that there are two or more sides to each situation. Nor do I think of the people who saw and appreciate "Rashomon's" message of multiple realities. Those people may or may not be able to identify their own bias (it's so darn hard to see oneself!) but they do think about this topic of polarity and the fuzzy nature of reality.

No, I'm thinking of ordinary people - no one remotely famous or very rich or inordinately powerful. Just an ordinary person, who lives life each day as it comes. Many of them are incredibly wedded to their rigid views. But aren't there at least a few people who do think "well, I may wish the President and Vice President and their team had made significantly better plans before invading Iraq, and I may wish that POTUS and VPOTUS had seen fit to cooperate with the UN a bit more, and I may think that the main impetus for the war was not Sadaam Hussein's brutal dicatatorship but rather the US's desire to control Iraq's oil...BUT now that we're there, I 'm glad Sadaam is out of power and I think we need to keep our troops there until the country is more stable - whether in one or three parts." I have both things in my head at the same time. I'm even willing to concede that I might not know as much about this issue as I would like, and so may not confidently offer an opinion about what they up to or what was and was not taken into consideration before the invasion.

I laid on my living room floor, flat on my back with legs outstretched and hands behind my head, crying because I'd lost feeling in and use of my right leg. We had just invaded Iraq, maybe a few days before. My parents sat on the sofa looking at me and listening to my crying and ranting. "I'm glad Bush invaded Iraq! I'm glad! Sadaam is a horrible man and needs to go, so it will be good for the people. I'm glad he's gone! If he wasn't helping Al Quaeda yet, he would later. They all deserve to die!" Clearly I was suffering from some sort of trauma - the loss of leg use was one. The recollection of 9/11 and its immediate aftermath was overwhelming to me as I watched the green-tinged television screen showing shelling of Baghdad. Having lived through 9/11, I simply can't stomach war movies - be they real or Hollywood.

Actually, Hollywood movies are worse because they offer a picture of what a few really rich and powerful people believe the world should be like. And it just isn't like that.