about work and meaning

Lofty title for a basic issue. If I'm not working, what am I doing? If I'm not doing, am I being? "We're human beings, not human doings." "Don't just do something, sit there!"

That made theoretical sense to me. What does it mean, though? In real life?

I still don't know what it all means but I know I don't much like finding out. Now that I'm experiencing the "being not doing" way of life, I understand why I avoided it for as long as I possibly could. It is depressing, frankly.

I don't really want to 'fess up to that. I mean, I have so much recovery and therapy and self-knowledge and Zoloft - how on earth could I be depressed? Then I remember that there is situational depression - there are life situations that are doggone depressing. Being out of work and unable to work full-time qualifies as one of those situations. And as my friend Susana pointed out, if Zoloft took away all feelings, I wouldn't be able to take it safely. Zoloft deals with chemical imbalances, not life imbalances.

So where am I? In limbo. Maybe I'll work, maybe I won't. I have two projects to focus on - one for pay, one for no pay. I can't really get excited about either of them. And I'm doing the MBA work and it takes up a lot of my time and energy. I can't seem to fill out the paperwork for disability even though I will need money fairly soon. And truly, I feel physically disabled. My hip hurts a lot, I'm tired and have no stamina. My back hurts if I walk or bend or sit too long. But I can't really come to terms with that big a life change.

"Surrender, Dorothy!"

(I'm Dorothy, if you haven't guessed.)

OK, let me tell myself the truth. Disabled doesn't mean unable. It means some more limitations on what I can do, not what I can be or am. It means I've arrived at a junction, a resting spot, the start of a new phase of my journey.

Coming to terms with this is psychically painful, if only because of all the noise in my brain about what does it mean for my future, my ability to have an impact, my day to day activities, my work life, my personality and tendency to isolate, who are my friends, where will I live, will I be poor, will I lose my house, will no one love me ever? Very noisy. Generally meaningless, now that I write it down. All "what ifs," that have no bearing on the facts today.

So what is relevant today? I need to focus on the next right step, the one right in front of me. And don't worry about meaning today. In the main, I've discovered meaning in retrospect, not in the present. How do I know then what today will mean a hundred tomorrows from now? I don't and I can't, so why worry about it today?

My work is not to find meaning today, my work is to do what is in front of me today, and be OK with that (and not be mean to myself!)