about keeping things simple
This is a motto that's saved me many a time from overcomplicating, overthinking, and overanalysing situations.
I've learned a few important things about myself over the years: I do not have the ability to read minds. So even if I think I know what you really mean or want, I don't. Keeping it simple means listening to what another person actually says s/he wants or means. It also means paying attention to deeds, not just words.
I was well trained to try and protect myself by anticipating someone else's needs, wants, preferences. If I could only do what they wanted, I'd be safe. And my mind told me that if I could always be prepared in advance, I could prevent the yelling or other abuse that came along with the request. The fact is I never did or could prevent the abuse, no matter how much "control" I thought I had. And getting permission to just leave an abusive situation was wonderful. That kept it pretty simple. My own physical and emotional well-being matters. It's very simple.
Keeping things simple also means doing the next thing in front of me, instead of trying to do everything at once, or to figure out what will happen tomorrow or the next day or way into the future. Projection into the future is not keeping things simple. For me, it's trying to control what happens in the future. If I think about it enough, I can somehow manage it. And as I said before, managing things in the future is about protecting myself from some dire consequence.
Writing this brings home to me once again how much my life was riddled by and directed by fear. I had no idea that I could make choices. And if I did make a choice, I was convinced it would be the wrong one. Somehow I'd be in trouble, no matter what I did. So I did not trust myself. Nor did I have faith in a higher power.
Keeping things simple now means trusting in a higher power, and believing that I will be safe no matter what. I have a track record now of making healthy choices for myself, choices based on recognizing the truth about a situation or a person instead of delusions and wishful thinking. I go "where it's warm" and to the grocery store - not the hardware store - to get oranges. There are wonderful, loving people in this world. I had room for them once I let go of the not-so-wonderful ones. It's pretty simple.
Simple doesn't mean easy, though. It's hard work to recognize that I'm responsible for the state of my life, and that my attitudes and behaviors determine to a large degree whether I'm happy or not. At the same time I've found it difficult to accept and act on this simple truth, I've found it incredibly liberating. No more blaming others. No more total despair and hopelessness. No more "shoulding" on myself and regrets. Simply "OK, I have a choice. Which works best for me today, given what I know now?"
I've learned a few important things about myself over the years: I do not have the ability to read minds. So even if I think I know what you really mean or want, I don't. Keeping it simple means listening to what another person actually says s/he wants or means. It also means paying attention to deeds, not just words.
I was well trained to try and protect myself by anticipating someone else's needs, wants, preferences. If I could only do what they wanted, I'd be safe. And my mind told me that if I could always be prepared in advance, I could prevent the yelling or other abuse that came along with the request. The fact is I never did or could prevent the abuse, no matter how much "control" I thought I had. And getting permission to just leave an abusive situation was wonderful. That kept it pretty simple. My own physical and emotional well-being matters. It's very simple.
Keeping things simple also means doing the next thing in front of me, instead of trying to do everything at once, or to figure out what will happen tomorrow or the next day or way into the future. Projection into the future is not keeping things simple. For me, it's trying to control what happens in the future. If I think about it enough, I can somehow manage it. And as I said before, managing things in the future is about protecting myself from some dire consequence.
Writing this brings home to me once again how much my life was riddled by and directed by fear. I had no idea that I could make choices. And if I did make a choice, I was convinced it would be the wrong one. Somehow I'd be in trouble, no matter what I did. So I did not trust myself. Nor did I have faith in a higher power.
Keeping things simple now means trusting in a higher power, and believing that I will be safe no matter what. I have a track record now of making healthy choices for myself, choices based on recognizing the truth about a situation or a person instead of delusions and wishful thinking. I go "where it's warm" and to the grocery store - not the hardware store - to get oranges. There are wonderful, loving people in this world. I had room for them once I let go of the not-so-wonderful ones. It's pretty simple.
Simple doesn't mean easy, though. It's hard work to recognize that I'm responsible for the state of my life, and that my attitudes and behaviors determine to a large degree whether I'm happy or not. At the same time I've found it difficult to accept and act on this simple truth, I've found it incredibly liberating. No more blaming others. No more total despair and hopelessness. No more "shoulding" on myself and regrets. Simply "OK, I have a choice. Which works best for me today, given what I know now?"
posted by julieannerickson at 3:39 PM
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