about anger and resentment
For a long time, I didn't know I was angry. I was depressed. When I first heard "depression is anger turned inward," I knew it rang true yet could not apply it to myself yet. That was a turning point, however, for I got permission to look inside myself for emotions.
To me, depression isn't really an emotion. It's a symptom of some other emotion that I'm not ready to feel. So feeling depressed came to be a clue that something else was going on inside me - something I needed to discover. The discovery process involved meditating, talking to my sponsor and program friends, and writing in my journal.
Over time, I realized I was angry - at pretty much everything. Perhaps most of all, I was angry at myself for ignoring myself.
Then I discovered that anger was in turn a mask for something else - usually hurt and sometimes sadness. Anger felt better - more energizing, more active, more outwardly focused. Hurt was very difficult for me to acknowledge and feel - I felt too vulnerable. And if I was hurt, then I needed to do something to protect myself.
Anger was a very effective way to protect myself from other people hurting me. The problem was it also pushed away people's love and care. So I needed another way to protect myself. This prompted me to explore boundaries, setting limits, speaking up for myself, telling other people "ouch, that hurt" and engaging in the sometimes quite difficult and painful conversations to resolve a situation. And it meant learning to forgive people who didn't intend to hurt me, and even those who did. Because I can no longer live with anger and resentment.
Resentment for me is "re-feeling" emotions over and over again. I know I'm still resenting someone or something when I feel the same humiliation or shame or fear or hurt. So it, too, is a clue for me that I still have some unresolved issues. Perhaps I need to make amends. Or forgive. Or keep talking things out to air and lighten my
burden. Or all three.
And sometimes I need to feel sad. Sadness is for me the emotion of acceptance and powerlessness. There's nothing to do with sadness except feel it.
I am sad that my six year old nephew is dead, killed by brain cancer. I was angry at the cancer for a very long time - and still feel it once in a while. Then I remember that I was and am powerless over his cancer and he's still gone. And I am incredibly sad about that. I'd rather feel angry, because then I can look outside myself and feel powerful in my righteousness. Unfortunately, anger is useless in this
situation. Sadness it is.
To me, depression isn't really an emotion. It's a symptom of some other emotion that I'm not ready to feel. So feeling depressed came to be a clue that something else was going on inside me - something I needed to discover. The discovery process involved meditating, talking to my sponsor and program friends, and writing in my journal.
Over time, I realized I was angry - at pretty much everything. Perhaps most of all, I was angry at myself for ignoring myself.
Then I discovered that anger was in turn a mask for something else - usually hurt and sometimes sadness. Anger felt better - more energizing, more active, more outwardly focused. Hurt was very difficult for me to acknowledge and feel - I felt too vulnerable. And if I was hurt, then I needed to do something to protect myself.
Anger was a very effective way to protect myself from other people hurting me. The problem was it also pushed away people's love and care. So I needed another way to protect myself. This prompted me to explore boundaries, setting limits, speaking up for myself, telling other people "ouch, that hurt" and engaging in the sometimes quite difficult and painful conversations to resolve a situation. And it meant learning to forgive people who didn't intend to hurt me, and even those who did. Because I can no longer live with anger and resentment.
Resentment for me is "re-feeling" emotions over and over again. I know I'm still resenting someone or something when I feel the same humiliation or shame or fear or hurt. So it, too, is a clue for me that I still have some unresolved issues. Perhaps I need to make amends. Or forgive. Or keep talking things out to air and lighten my
burden. Or all three.
And sometimes I need to feel sad. Sadness is for me the emotion of acceptance and powerlessness. There's nothing to do with sadness except feel it.
I am sad that my six year old nephew is dead, killed by brain cancer. I was angry at the cancer for a very long time - and still feel it once in a while. Then I remember that I was and am powerless over his cancer and he's still gone. And I am incredibly sad about that. I'd rather feel angry, because then I can look outside myself and feel powerful in my righteousness. Unfortunately, anger is useless in this
situation. Sadness it is.
posted by julieannerickson at 5:03 PM
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