about resentment and forgiveness
Resentment - re-sentiment - refeeling. My resentments are usually my refeeling my anger, hurt, humiliation, disappointment, and pain. It means I haven't completely processed the event, or found a way to forgive the person or myself (or both of us), or come to terms with what the event means in my life.
I have dreamed a lot recently about two jobs from which I was fired -one two and a half years ago for political reasons after being there 11 years and doing a fantastic job, the second a year and a half ago because of a personality conflict with the organization's founder.
Even as I write this I see myself trying to convince you all that I was not to blame in any way. This is a sure-fire way to gear up my resentment engine. See, they did it to me! Mean, horrible people!
Anyway, my dreams are about being invited back to the organizations. In one set of dreams, I'm very close to coming back and they have sought me out as the only person who can help them. They realize I was the right one all along, and now need me. In the second set of dreams, I'm up to being asked to come back because some people realize they were wrong and treated me horribly. But other people don't recognize it and there are still too many obstacles to my coming back.
What I glean from this is that I am coming to terms with what happened in both cases, that I am recovering my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I may also be turning humiliation into humility (actually, my higher power does that, not me alone).
The point is that I am sick of having these resentments. They keep me tied to the past, keep me from moving on and feeling good about myself. I do believe I was treated badly by the first people for no good reason and I do hope they realize it someday. Yet, I can see now how it might have happened because I was absent with illness for a while and not able to "defend my turf." Clearly, too, it was time for me to go. If not, I'd still be there.
Coming to realize that I didn't deserve to be treated badly has been helpful for me when I get that urge to refeel the humiliation and anger. I don't need to feel that again, thank you very much. It was pretty bad then, and it is still highly unpleasant. I'd much rather say "forget them" and move on into new areas, leaving them behind in my dust. I'm not yet to forgiveness, but understanding how things could have appeared to them is a step toward that. I still would like the satisfaction of an apology, thank you very much, but I do not hold my breath.
I think part of getting over the resentment is rejecting their treatment of me as somehow justified. No, it was not. I see that, so I do not have to respond as if I am still affected by it. It was a long time ago. Time does heal, and I have taken some actions that have helped heal me. Maybe I'll need to take more, maybe I'll need to "amend" my behavior to tell someone that the treatment was unacceptable rather than just keep my mouth shut. If I do that, I will need to let go of any expectations of how they will respond, and do it simply because I can't forgive someone until I tell them what they did wrong. And maybe I'll move beyond that need and into forgiveness.
I guess the bottom line is that resentment hurts me. The other folks move along clueless while I hurt. My goal is to rid myself of resentment. It does take some time, and lots of talking and processing with other people, including doing written inventories and turning them over to another human being. And recognition that the resentment is mine, no one else's.
Sometimes I love the resentment. I nurse that feeling of self-righteous indignation, asking others to support me in condemning those terrible people. It makes me feel a little better for a while, yet at the same time plunges me right back into that feeling of shame and grief and powerless anger. So I do less and less of it.
It feels a lot better to say "well, it was time for me to be gone. Sure, they could have done it in a better way. But they didn't. Oh, well. I'm pretty happy now, and I wish the organization well." It feels a LOT better.
I have dreamed a lot recently about two jobs from which I was fired -one two and a half years ago for political reasons after being there 11 years and doing a fantastic job, the second a year and a half ago because of a personality conflict with the organization's founder.
Even as I write this I see myself trying to convince you all that I was not to blame in any way. This is a sure-fire way to gear up my resentment engine. See, they did it to me! Mean, horrible people!
Anyway, my dreams are about being invited back to the organizations. In one set of dreams, I'm very close to coming back and they have sought me out as the only person who can help them. They realize I was the right one all along, and now need me. In the second set of dreams, I'm up to being asked to come back because some people realize they were wrong and treated me horribly. But other people don't recognize it and there are still too many obstacles to my coming back.
What I glean from this is that I am coming to terms with what happened in both cases, that I am recovering my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I may also be turning humiliation into humility (actually, my higher power does that, not me alone).
The point is that I am sick of having these resentments. They keep me tied to the past, keep me from moving on and feeling good about myself. I do believe I was treated badly by the first people for no good reason and I do hope they realize it someday. Yet, I can see now how it might have happened because I was absent with illness for a while and not able to "defend my turf." Clearly, too, it was time for me to go. If not, I'd still be there.
Coming to realize that I didn't deserve to be treated badly has been helpful for me when I get that urge to refeel the humiliation and anger. I don't need to feel that again, thank you very much. It was pretty bad then, and it is still highly unpleasant. I'd much rather say "forget them" and move on into new areas, leaving them behind in my dust. I'm not yet to forgiveness, but understanding how things could have appeared to them is a step toward that. I still would like the satisfaction of an apology, thank you very much, but I do not hold my breath.
I think part of getting over the resentment is rejecting their treatment of me as somehow justified. No, it was not. I see that, so I do not have to respond as if I am still affected by it. It was a long time ago. Time does heal, and I have taken some actions that have helped heal me. Maybe I'll need to take more, maybe I'll need to "amend" my behavior to tell someone that the treatment was unacceptable rather than just keep my mouth shut. If I do that, I will need to let go of any expectations of how they will respond, and do it simply because I can't forgive someone until I tell them what they did wrong. And maybe I'll move beyond that need and into forgiveness.
I guess the bottom line is that resentment hurts me. The other folks move along clueless while I hurt. My goal is to rid myself of resentment. It does take some time, and lots of talking and processing with other people, including doing written inventories and turning them over to another human being. And recognition that the resentment is mine, no one else's.
Sometimes I love the resentment. I nurse that feeling of self-righteous indignation, asking others to support me in condemning those terrible people. It makes me feel a little better for a while, yet at the same time plunges me right back into that feeling of shame and grief and powerless anger. So I do less and less of it.
It feels a lot better to say "well, it was time for me to be gone. Sure, they could have done it in a better way. But they didn't. Oh, well. I'm pretty happy now, and I wish the organization well." It feels a LOT better.
posted by julieannerickson at 9:46 PM
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