about Step 6: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
I didn't really know what Step 6 meant. It's about a state of being, I thought. So how exactly am I to get to that state of being entirely ready to have God remove my defects? I thought I already was ready, because I was so sick and tired of being unhappy, discontent, irritable and angry all the time. Weren't those my defects?
Then I did Steps 4 and 5 and learned much more about the causes of those defects - my high (unrealistic) expectations of myself and others, my fear of failing, my inability to focus on myself, my constant trying to twist myself into whatever shape "you" wanted me to be for fear of being alone, my loneliness because I was afraid of people - especially of them criticizing me - and afraid of being disappointed by a relationship with a higher power, and my arrogance that I was smarter than you and more powerful than God. It was a pretty hefty list, and quite dismaying in its scope and depth.
OK then, I thought. Now I really know what my defects are. After all, I'd just spent a few weeks writing and a few hours speaking about them. And I did know my defects - in concept, and viewed through the lens of history. For Step 4 asked me to look at all the resentments and fears and envies and arrogance that plagued me up until that moment. It was hindsight. Extremely revealing and humbling hindsight, but hindsight nonetheless. Little did I know that I was about to encounter all those defects in the here and now.
Step 6 was for me about the experience of behaving in the old ways while being conscious of doing so. I watched myself through the new lens of awareness. That lens magnified my behavior so I could see it in detail. And I was horrified by some of it, pained by other, and brought to tears of frustration by yet other behavior. I couldn't stop doing it. I watched myself retreat into a silent huff when my significant other criticized me, knowing full well that a) my withdrawal was an effective punishment but b) that it would only make matters worse. I likened it to being at the top of a hill caught in a snowball and the snowball was charging down the hill and I was powerless to stop it.
The key word here is "powerless." Yes, I was powerless to stop my behavior. Sure, I could make some changes, and I did. But the fundamental beliefs and motivations were still very active - including the belief that "I" could change my behavior. Luckily, my defects were in the process of humbling me.
There's an Irish blessing that begins "may the road rise up to meet you." The blessing for me was that once I became aware of my defects through Steps 4 and 5, I was presented with opportunity after opportunity to see them in action. The road was rising up to meet me, and it was just what I needed to bring me to a state of being of total readiness - readiness to surrender.
Feeling powerless to change myself, to rid myself of my defects of character, combined with horror that I was doing the same old things with the same horrible results and growing despair that I could ever change: these were the preconditions for my total surrender in Step 7. I became "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" when I experienced my defects in my present daily life while acutely aware of their inability to get me what I wanted.
What I wanted was serenity, acceptance, patience, self-love, and more - all the promises of recovery. I had a vision of what life could be like, by watching people in the program who had gone through the Steps. I wanted what you had. And it was only possible if I surrendered to a power greater than myself, trusting that God could and would do what I could not, if only I were to ask for help.
Pain and hope together made me entirely ready to take Step 7.
Then I did Steps 4 and 5 and learned much more about the causes of those defects - my high (unrealistic) expectations of myself and others, my fear of failing, my inability to focus on myself, my constant trying to twist myself into whatever shape "you" wanted me to be for fear of being alone, my loneliness because I was afraid of people - especially of them criticizing me - and afraid of being disappointed by a relationship with a higher power, and my arrogance that I was smarter than you and more powerful than God. It was a pretty hefty list, and quite dismaying in its scope and depth.
OK then, I thought. Now I really know what my defects are. After all, I'd just spent a few weeks writing and a few hours speaking about them. And I did know my defects - in concept, and viewed through the lens of history. For Step 4 asked me to look at all the resentments and fears and envies and arrogance that plagued me up until that moment. It was hindsight. Extremely revealing and humbling hindsight, but hindsight nonetheless. Little did I know that I was about to encounter all those defects in the here and now.
Step 6 was for me about the experience of behaving in the old ways while being conscious of doing so. I watched myself through the new lens of awareness. That lens magnified my behavior so I could see it in detail. And I was horrified by some of it, pained by other, and brought to tears of frustration by yet other behavior. I couldn't stop doing it. I watched myself retreat into a silent huff when my significant other criticized me, knowing full well that a) my withdrawal was an effective punishment but b) that it would only make matters worse. I likened it to being at the top of a hill caught in a snowball and the snowball was charging down the hill and I was powerless to stop it.
The key word here is "powerless." Yes, I was powerless to stop my behavior. Sure, I could make some changes, and I did. But the fundamental beliefs and motivations were still very active - including the belief that "I" could change my behavior. Luckily, my defects were in the process of humbling me.
There's an Irish blessing that begins "may the road rise up to meet you." The blessing for me was that once I became aware of my defects through Steps 4 and 5, I was presented with opportunity after opportunity to see them in action. The road was rising up to meet me, and it was just what I needed to bring me to a state of being of total readiness - readiness to surrender.
Feeling powerless to change myself, to rid myself of my defects of character, combined with horror that I was doing the same old things with the same horrible results and growing despair that I could ever change: these were the preconditions for my total surrender in Step 7. I became "entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" when I experienced my defects in my present daily life while acutely aware of their inability to get me what I wanted.
What I wanted was serenity, acceptance, patience, self-love, and more - all the promises of recovery. I had a vision of what life could be like, by watching people in the program who had gone through the Steps. I wanted what you had. And it was only possible if I surrendered to a power greater than myself, trusting that God could and would do what I could not, if only I were to ask for help.
Pain and hope together made me entirely ready to take Step 7.
posted by julieannerickson at 12:50 PM
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