a power greater than myself
For years, I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I yearned for it, desperately.
Like so many, I read every self-help and spiritual book there was. I went to churches on off hours to pray and meditate. I meditated at home according to a formula my sponsor outlined: start with seven minutes a day using a timer or alarm clock. When it felt that the seven minutes had barely elapsed, move on to fourteen, and so on. When I got to 21 minutes, I began to feel elation, a joy that was indescribable. And it scared me out of my wits. So I promptly stopped meditating.
I guess I wasn't really ready for a relationship with my own personal Higher Power! Thankfully, I was ready for a relationship with the 12-step groups I joined.
I felt very safe in a group and found it easy to share in the group. It wasn't as easy for me to share one-on-one - too intimate! Too much risk of being judged, and then what would I do? Where would I turn if the person in whom I confided backed away in disgust? I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with rejection at any level. In one of those weird program paradoxes, I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with acceptance, either. I was so empty after years of people-pleasing, of trying to mold myself into someone innocuous, inoffensive, and unlikely to be hit or verbally abused.
The group had enough people in it that I could find at least one person who seemed to understand. Usually, of course, I found more than one person who identified with me. The power of the group astonished me. Here, I could be myself. Here, I could be honest. Here, I could experiment with opinions and talking about feelings without fear of recrimination. Here, if someone did judge me, there would be another person who would take my part and approach me after the meeting to say "never mind that one. You must have touched something off for him/her. And good for you for sharing!" I didn't feel alone anymore.
Over time, I began to realize that I had friends - true friends of the heart. I even had fights with them and made up! That was a real miracle. Usually, I ran away at the first sign of conflict. I knew I would cave and hate myself, or I would bully and hate myself. I lost either way. Through using the tools of the program, however, I was able to listen to someone else's feelings and opinions, and to express my own. In some instances, we were not able to reconcile, while in most, we were once we understood each other's point of view and values. Even when I didn't reconcile with a friend, I felt good about myself because I had been honest and loving. I had understood the other person's point of view, and realized that we just had moved apart.
Higher Power was working in my life through the program! It had begun as the group power, showing me the acceptance and love I had sought for so long to no avail. I could then begin to envision a God/HP that was loving and caring, rather than cold and punishing. That's the Higher Power for which I had yearned, for years and years.
Step Two is sometimes broken into "Came," "Came to," then "Came to believe." In truth, that is my process. First I came to meetings. Then I "came to," realizing that there was another reality than the isolated and tortured existence I yearned to escape. And finally, I "came to believe" that there was a loving, accepting power greater than myself. By that point, I was being restored to sanity - the sanity of realizing that I was one among many and worthy in my own right, worthy of being myself fully and completely.
At last, I was ready for a relationship with my Higher Power, a "God of my understanding." My God is within me and without me. My God speaks to me through other people and through my own words, be they spoken or written. My God is a "we" God, grounded in community and fueled by my community's generosity and love.
I now have a spiritual foundation that is less about "spiritual ecstasy" and more about serenity. I've lived long enough to appreciate the quietude and peace of my solid faith that I am on the right path and always in my Higher Power's care. I realize I no longer crave unadulterated joy. It's OK for my joy to be tempered with sadness, to feel abundance with loss, to have gratitude with yearning. For me, that's sanity. When I forget all this, my community helps bring me back to sanity.
And I do forget. I do lose faith. When my faith was very new, I lost it every day. Reading spiritual books, talking to friends, and being of service to others restored my faith. 25 years on, my faith is tested by much larger things. I lost faith when my six year old nephew was killed 18 months ago by a terrible brain cancer. Only recently have I refound it. It's different now, too. I feel more solid in my confidence that all is as it should be, even as I rail against cruel fate for taking David. I can't explain the paradox, except to say that I'm here for some reason yet to be revealed, and he was here to teach me to love life fully and completely as long as I am here.
As I always said in college, more shall be revealed! Of that, I am certain. Therein lies faith.
Like so many, I read every self-help and spiritual book there was. I went to churches on off hours to pray and meditate. I meditated at home according to a formula my sponsor outlined: start with seven minutes a day using a timer or alarm clock. When it felt that the seven minutes had barely elapsed, move on to fourteen, and so on. When I got to 21 minutes, I began to feel elation, a joy that was indescribable. And it scared me out of my wits. So I promptly stopped meditating.
I guess I wasn't really ready for a relationship with my own personal Higher Power! Thankfully, I was ready for a relationship with the 12-step groups I joined.
I felt very safe in a group and found it easy to share in the group. It wasn't as easy for me to share one-on-one - too intimate! Too much risk of being judged, and then what would I do? Where would I turn if the person in whom I confided backed away in disgust? I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with rejection at any level. In one of those weird program paradoxes, I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with acceptance, either. I was so empty after years of people-pleasing, of trying to mold myself into someone innocuous, inoffensive, and unlikely to be hit or verbally abused.
The group had enough people in it that I could find at least one person who seemed to understand. Usually, of course, I found more than one person who identified with me. The power of the group astonished me. Here, I could be myself. Here, I could be honest. Here, I could experiment with opinions and talking about feelings without fear of recrimination. Here, if someone did judge me, there would be another person who would take my part and approach me after the meeting to say "never mind that one. You must have touched something off for him/her. And good for you for sharing!" I didn't feel alone anymore.
Over time, I began to realize that I had friends - true friends of the heart. I even had fights with them and made up! That was a real miracle. Usually, I ran away at the first sign of conflict. I knew I would cave and hate myself, or I would bully and hate myself. I lost either way. Through using the tools of the program, however, I was able to listen to someone else's feelings and opinions, and to express my own. In some instances, we were not able to reconcile, while in most, we were once we understood each other's point of view and values. Even when I didn't reconcile with a friend, I felt good about myself because I had been honest and loving. I had understood the other person's point of view, and realized that we just had moved apart.
Higher Power was working in my life through the program! It had begun as the group power, showing me the acceptance and love I had sought for so long to no avail. I could then begin to envision a God/HP that was loving and caring, rather than cold and punishing. That's the Higher Power for which I had yearned, for years and years.
Step Two is sometimes broken into "Came," "Came to," then "Came to believe." In truth, that is my process. First I came to meetings. Then I "came to," realizing that there was another reality than the isolated and tortured existence I yearned to escape. And finally, I "came to believe" that there was a loving, accepting power greater than myself. By that point, I was being restored to sanity - the sanity of realizing that I was one among many and worthy in my own right, worthy of being myself fully and completely.
At last, I was ready for a relationship with my Higher Power, a "God of my understanding." My God is within me and without me. My God speaks to me through other people and through my own words, be they spoken or written. My God is a "we" God, grounded in community and fueled by my community's generosity and love.
I now have a spiritual foundation that is less about "spiritual ecstasy" and more about serenity. I've lived long enough to appreciate the quietude and peace of my solid faith that I am on the right path and always in my Higher Power's care. I realize I no longer crave unadulterated joy. It's OK for my joy to be tempered with sadness, to feel abundance with loss, to have gratitude with yearning. For me, that's sanity. When I forget all this, my community helps bring me back to sanity.
And I do forget. I do lose faith. When my faith was very new, I lost it every day. Reading spiritual books, talking to friends, and being of service to others restored my faith. 25 years on, my faith is tested by much larger things. I lost faith when my six year old nephew was killed 18 months ago by a terrible brain cancer. Only recently have I refound it. It's different now, too. I feel more solid in my confidence that all is as it should be, even as I rail against cruel fate for taking David. I can't explain the paradox, except to say that I'm here for some reason yet to be revealed, and he was here to teach me to love life fully and completely as long as I am here.
As I always said in college, more shall be revealed! Of that, I am certain. Therein lies faith.
Labels: 12-step programs, community, faith, God, groups, higher power, process, self, serenity, spiritual
posted by julieannerickson at 1:44 PM
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