about happiness

Happiness is a function of two things: attitude and circumstance.

Sometimes, I exist in circumstances that are not conducive to my being happy. Such circumstances are those that seem to force me to behave in ways contrary to my integrity, values, learning style, talents or preferred skills. If a job doesn't allow me to use my best abilities, there's a good chance I won't be happy. If I'm in a relationship with someone who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, I probably won't be happy. So to be happy, I need to change my circumstances.

Yet, I wonder if attitude isn't the basic factor in happiness. There's a quote by Abraham Lincoln that "most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." If I decide that I want to be happy, I will seek circumstances that are beneficial to my mental and physical health, that contribute to my further spiritual and social growth, that feel nurturing and positive. For so long, it felt comfortable to be unhappy and complaining about everything around me. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I realized I was the common denominator in all the problems I had or faced. I resisted for many moons the knowledge that I could take action to change my circumstances if I was dissatisfied. It took great pain for me to understand that I could leave dissatisfying relationships, jobs, environs - or I could accept that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and be happy in spite of unsatisfactory circumstances.

When I made the decision to be happy, when it felt more comfortable to be happy than to complain, it became clear that even awful circumstances couldn't make me unhappy. Circumstances no longer had the power to control my mood and attitude. And by accepting where I was and coming to understand why I was in a certain situation, I was finally able to change my circumstances to more salubrious ones. Paradoxically, my decision to be happy no matter what allowed me to create happier circumstances.

This shift in attitude, this desire to seek a state of happiness regardless of circumstance has stood me well as I face circumstances beyond my control - David's illness and death, my physical problems, work travails. I can't bring David back. I really am disabled - although I do know there is more I can and will do to become more physically able. And I can't change the past and how I behaved toward and was treated by employers. Because circumstances are out of my control, the only thing I can do anything about is my attitude.

Sometimes I find myself depressed, lonely, hopeless. While these feelings were familiar and comfortable in the past, they no longer are. I don't want to wallow, to feel sorry for myself - at least, not for very long! And so I change my attitude. I seek to be serene, happy, content, satisfied with the life and blessings I have now. And lo and behold, I find myself gravitating toward other people or doing something positive like writing or gardening or calling someone. I no longer feel powerless and trapped by my circumstances. I find the power I do have, and exercise it. I feel better about myself for doing so.

about continuing to believe in one person's power

What if everyone who wanted to change the world got discouraged and gave up? What if the forces of greed and disdain and cynicism held complete sway? What would happen if no one wanted to improve themselves, to become a better person, to be more loving and kind? Imagine a world without compassion, without service or generosity, without caring? What if no one gave and no one received? What kind of life would we live if we were really all in it for ourselves and no one else? What if there was no hope? Would we be happy? Would there be unadulterated joy? Would we be satisfied, content, at peace, serene, "in the flow" or "at one with the universe?" Would the concepts of nirvana and heaven exist?

Or would we live a hell on earth and pray only for release from tortured existence?

I can't give up my ideals or my striving or my efforts to be of service and improve the world for me and for others. I may be the only person swimming against this tide, but it is my only choice. And I am not alone. Others understand the power of one person. It's inner work that will make the difference, that will change the external.

a power greater than myself

For years, I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I yearned for it, desperately.

Like so many, I read every self-help and spiritual book there was. I went to churches on off hours to pray and meditate. I meditated at home according to a formula my sponsor outlined: start with seven minutes a day using a timer or alarm clock. When it felt that the seven minutes had barely elapsed, move on to fourteen, and so on. When I got to 21 minutes, I began to feel elation, a joy that was indescribable. And it scared me out of my wits. So I promptly stopped meditating.

I guess I wasn't really ready for a relationship with my own personal Higher Power! Thankfully, I was ready for a relationship with the 12-step groups I joined.

I felt very safe in a group and found it easy to share in the group. It wasn't as easy for me to share one-on-one - too intimate! Too much risk of being judged, and then what would I do? Where would I turn if the person in whom I confided backed away in disgust? I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with rejection at any level. In one of those weird program paradoxes, I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with acceptance, either. I was so empty after years of people-pleasing, of trying to mold myself into someone innocuous, inoffensive, and unlikely to be hit or verbally abused.

The group had enough people in it that I could find at least one person who seemed to understand. Usually, of course, I found more than one person who identified with me. The power of the group astonished me. Here, I could be myself. Here, I could be honest. Here, I could experiment with opinions and talking about feelings without fear of recrimination. Here, if someone did judge me, there would be another person who would take my part and approach me after the meeting to say "never mind that one. You must have touched something off for him/her. And good for you for sharing!" I didn't feel alone anymore.

Over time, I began to realize that I had friends - true friends of the heart. I even had fights with them and made up! That was a real miracle. Usually, I ran away at the first sign of conflict. I knew I would cave and hate myself, or I would bully and hate myself. I lost either way. Through using the tools of the program, however, I was able to listen to someone else's feelings and opinions, and to express my own. In some instances, we were not able to reconcile, while in most, we were once we understood each other's point of view and values. Even when I didn't reconcile with a friend, I felt good about myself because I had been honest and loving. I had understood the other person's point of view, and realized that we just had moved apart.

Higher Power was working in my life through the program! It had begun as the group power, showing me the acceptance and love I had sought for so long to no avail. I could then begin to envision a God/HP that was loving and caring, rather than cold and punishing. That's the Higher Power for which I had yearned, for years and years.

Step Two is sometimes broken into "Came," "Came to," then "Came to believe." In truth, that is my process. First I came to meetings. Then I "came to," realizing that there was another reality than the isolated and tortured existence I yearned to escape. And finally, I "came to believe" that there was a loving, accepting power greater than myself. By that point, I was being restored to sanity - the sanity of realizing that I was one among many and worthy in my own right, worthy of being myself fully and completely.

At last, I was ready for a relationship with my Higher Power, a "God of my understanding." My God is within me and without me. My God speaks to me through other people and through my own words, be they spoken or written. My God is a "we" God, grounded in community and fueled by my community's generosity and love.

I now have a spiritual foundation that is less about "spiritual ecstasy" and more about serenity. I've lived long enough to appreciate the quietude and peace of my solid faith that I am on the right path and always in my Higher Power's care. I realize I no longer crave unadulterated joy. It's OK for my joy to be tempered with sadness, to feel abundance with loss, to have gratitude with yearning. For me, that's sanity. When I forget all this, my community helps bring me back to sanity.

And I do forget. I do lose faith. When my faith was very new, I lost it every day. Reading spiritual books, talking to friends, and being of service to others restored my faith. 25 years on, my faith is tested by much larger things. I lost faith when my six year old nephew was killed 18 months ago by a terrible brain cancer. Only recently have I refound it. It's different now, too. I feel more solid in my confidence that all is as it should be, even as I rail against cruel fate for taking David. I can't explain the paradox, except to say that I'm here for some reason yet to be revealed, and he was here to teach me to love life fully and completely as long as I am here.

As I always said in college, more shall be revealed! Of that, I am certain. Therein lies faith.