about resentment
Sometimes I need to vent and then accept that I’ve made the choice to do something, and either I change my mind or decide to roll with it without resentment (re-sent[i]ment – refeeling my anger, hurt, disappointment).
A couple of summers ago, my mom disinvited me to join them for vacation because “there isn’t enough room” – every other member of the family was going to be there, so I couldn’t go. I was so hurt. Yet I wasn’t willing to talk to my mother about it, because after 50 years of experience being her daughter, I understand that she had no idea what she did and could blame me for taking it so personally. I didn't want to risk being hurt again.
The problem was that I iced her out, being very cold to her in family gatherings after that – and it was so noticeable that my father told me to cut it out – something he almost never does. I had a decision: do I talk to my mother about it? Or do I truly accept that she is who she is, and then give up the right to hold that against her? I chose the latter. I decided to act as if everything was normal, and eventually it became normal. She didn’t want to know why I was behaving that way, she just wanted me to stop being mean to her.
If I’m not willing to work with the other person to try and make it right, I simply need to work it through myself (with friends, of course!) and not take out my feelings on the person who injured me. It does hurt them, so I get that satisfaction from revenge. However, if I love them, it's not satisfying for very long. Plus, I don't want to be so obvious in my feelings. And I want to grow up! To accept that I don't have to act on my feelings, that I can accept the limitations of other people just as I want them to accept mine.
A couple of summers ago, my mom disinvited me to join them for vacation because “there isn’t enough room” – every other member of the family was going to be there, so I couldn’t go. I was so hurt. Yet I wasn’t willing to talk to my mother about it, because after 50 years of experience being her daughter, I understand that she had no idea what she did and could blame me for taking it so personally. I didn't want to risk being hurt again.
The problem was that I iced her out, being very cold to her in family gatherings after that – and it was so noticeable that my father told me to cut it out – something he almost never does. I had a decision: do I talk to my mother about it? Or do I truly accept that she is who she is, and then give up the right to hold that against her? I chose the latter. I decided to act as if everything was normal, and eventually it became normal. She didn’t want to know why I was behaving that way, she just wanted me to stop being mean to her.
If I’m not willing to work with the other person to try and make it right, I simply need to work it through myself (with friends, of course!) and not take out my feelings on the person who injured me. It does hurt them, so I get that satisfaction from revenge. However, if I love them, it's not satisfying for very long. Plus, I don't want to be so obvious in my feelings. And I want to grow up! To accept that I don't have to act on my feelings, that I can accept the limitations of other people just as I want them to accept mine.
posted by julieannerickson at 12:13 PM
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