about keeping things simple

This is a motto that's saved me many a time from overcomplicating, overthinking, and overanalysing situations.

I've learned a few important things about myself over the years: I do not have the ability to read minds. So even if I think I know what you really mean or want, I don't. Keeping it simple means listening to what another person actually says s/he wants or means. It also means paying attention to deeds, not just words.

I was well trained to try and protect myself by anticipating someone else's needs, wants, preferences. If I could only do what they wanted, I'd be safe. And my mind told me that if I could always be prepared in advance, I could prevent the yelling or other abuse that came along with the request. The fact is I never did or could prevent the abuse, no matter how much "control" I thought I had. And getting permission to just leave an abusive situation was wonderful. That kept it pretty simple. My own physical and emotional well-being matters. It's very simple.

Keeping things simple also means doing the next thing in front of me, instead of trying to do everything at once, or to figure out what will happen tomorrow or the next day or way into the future. Projection into the future is not keeping things simple. For me, it's trying to control what happens in the future. If I think about it enough, I can somehow manage it. And as I said before, managing things in the future is about protecting myself from some dire consequence.

Writing this brings home to me once again how much my life was riddled by and directed by fear. I had no idea that I could make choices. And if I did make a choice, I was convinced it would be the wrong one. Somehow I'd be in trouble, no matter what I did. So I did not trust myself. Nor did I have faith in a higher power.

Keeping things simple now means trusting in a higher power, and believing that I will be safe no matter what. I have a track record now of making healthy choices for myself, choices based on recognizing the truth about a situation or a person instead of delusions and wishful thinking. I go "where it's warm" and to the grocery store - not the hardware store - to get oranges. There are wonderful, loving people in this world. I had room for them once I let go of the not-so-wonderful ones. It's pretty simple.

Simple doesn't mean easy, though. It's hard work to recognize that I'm responsible for the state of my life, and that my attitudes and behaviors determine to a large degree whether I'm happy or not. At the same time I've found it difficult to accept and act on this simple truth, I've found it incredibly liberating. No more blaming others. No more total despair and hopelessness. No more "shoulding" on myself and regrets. Simply "OK, I have a choice. Which works best for me today, given what I know now?"

about an article that really touched a nerve

There's a very daring article in this month's Atlantic by Lori Gottlieb called "Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough" .

Now 40 and a single mom, Gottlieb advocates "settling" for a guy who isn't necessarily your "soul mate" or sets your heart and soul on fire. She looks back at guys she rejected and wishes she had been willing to settle. And it seems she wants women in their 30's now to learn from her "mistake" and just get married to a regular Joe.

All I could think was "hindsight is 20/20" and "if only we knew then what we know now." It occurs to me that the issue may not be one of "settling." Rather it may be a case of expectations being too high or inappropriate or too all-encompassing. Being raised on fairy tales and happily-ever-after certainly raises the bar to an unrealistic level.

I think the unrealistic nature of expectations may have a lot to do with expecting EVERYTHING to be right about the guy, instead of just the most important things. What if women created a "must have" list for a man, based on what we know about ourselves and what we really can't live with. Like "must be sexually attracted to him." Can you imagine having sex with someone you don't find attractive? Yuck, double yuck, and just plain NO.

Even Gottlieb has some basics she needs: "decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear", "stable, reliable life companion", "What I long for in a marriage is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you on your bullshit and puts up with your quirks." Her friend says "make sure he's someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you."

Maybe "romantic" love is too high a bar - who knows what that means anyway? Usually it's lust disguised as romance. And does it really matter if he brings you flowers once in a while? Well, maybe it does - because it's evidence that he actually thinks about you once in a while instead of about only himself. And to settle for someone who is all about himself and not at all about being a team member - that's self-abuse, in my opinion. Does he have to be handsome and wildly successful? No. Does he have to pull his weight in the relationship? Yes. Does he share my basic values (assuming I know what they are)? To find that out takes time, more than a few dates - and a guy willing to go on more than a few dates.

I think the question is less about "settling" and more about "how can I tell if this guy will really be willing to do the work involved in a relationship?" I dated a lot of guys who clearly were not willing to do that. They were more interested in finding a woman to fit THEIR fantasy, and when I demonstrated that I liked music of all kinds (not just classical) and had preferences about movies (not simply art house "cinema"), they took off.

How many of those guys actually proposed to Lori? Did she actually have the choice she seems to imagine she had? Women in our forties today were/are in an awkward place - we were raised with the values of being true to ourselves, following our own dreams, looking for a "partner in crime" and in life - someone equal. The men, though, weren't ready for that. They were afraid of us, before even getting to know us. I think Gen X and Gen Y men are not as afraid. So women in their 30's and 20's now have more chance to be themselves and get to know a guy.

These are gross generalizations, of course, because there are great guys everywhere and of every age. The point is that the guys have to "settle," too. But if it's seen as settling, it won't really work for anyone because a relationship burdened by disappointment from the start is doomed, in my opinion. It has to be more of a choice - "this person charms me in this way, which is essential to my happiness; they gross me out in this way, which is OK because I can ignore it most of the time and it's not essential to my happiness."

To make a choice, it does take knowing oneself. And today, all people have so many more tools and resources to get to know themselves that maybe there's more of a chance they can come up with the "must haves" so they get 75-80% of those met and are willing to let the other 20-25% go - recognizing that nothing and no one is perfect and that they can get other needs met elsewhere.

As a woman of 49 who's single, I am happy I didn't settle for the guy who gave small tips and ignored me when I asked him not to fondle me in the movie theater. I don't think he would have asked me to marry him, anyway. And the guy I would have settled for decided he wanted a wealthy woman to help finance his hedge fund business. I'm glad he left - he refused to do the dishes or buy a dishwasher which told me he didn't really give a crap about being a partner. I'm happy today because I have made a life I really like. Do I sometimes wish I had my own children? Yes. Enough to have settled for some of the guys I dates? No. Instead, I fill my life with my siblings' children and live in a community where I am surrounded by children and can get my fill of them. And do I sometimes wish I had a life partner? Sure! And when I can find some time to devote to the hunt, I'm sure I'll find someone. I'm really busy living my own life, though, with no regrets.

Life is full of choices and circumstances, and I can either be miserable or accept the cards I was dealt and play them the best I can. That's my philosophy, and it serves me very well.

about the Serenity Prayer

A foundation of my peace of mind is the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.

Over the years, my understanding of it has deepened and grown richer. At core, its truth is simple: I can only change myself, not other people. I may be able to change a situation if I have enough power and cooperation from others; however, it may not be a lasting change. The lasting change is that which I make in myself, my attitudes and my behavior.

Years ago, I had a blow-up with my mother in front of my father. Later, he explained to me that my mother was not going to change and I would have to approach her differently. Naturally, I railed against that. It wasn't fair!

Of course, later I realized that my father was completely right. And that fairness has absolutely NOTHING to do with it. It's like the question "would I rather be right or happy?" Then, I sure wanted to be right. And I was certain that if the important people in my life would just do what I wanted them to do, I would be happy. I resisted the idea that I could change my own attitudes. It seemed too harsh that I was the one who had to change. Why couldn't those annoying other people do some changing?

Now, I recognize that I can be happy regardless of what other people do or say. I do recognize that I'm affected by other people's actions and words, by situations, by environments. My choice - what I can change - is whether I allow those effects to persist or allow myself to react, or whether I respond thoughtfully and change what I can (remove myself from the situation either immediately or in time, or modify my attitude to accept someone as they are or interact with them less, etc.).

The Serenity Prayer was my first exposure to these ideas. It encapsulates "keep the focus on myself" and "mind my own business" as well as "live and let live" and "let go and let God." It gives me a practical application of reliance on my Higher Power. And it gives me something to talk about with other people - "what DOES this prayer mean? How does this play out in my life? Is THIS something I can change? Or not?"

While being of practical use in daily life, the Serenity Prayer also serves as a mantra for me when I need to calm down and when I can't fall asleep. So it's useful day and night!

about Turning It Over

Step 3 of the Twelve Steps: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him.

I remember first seeing the Third Step and having no idea what it meant. I did like the idea of "God as we understood him" - meaning it was for me to understand my own God instead of accepting someone else's interpretation or understanding. That freed me to at least consider taking Step 3.

As I studied this step by myself, with my sponsor and in Step meetings, I noticed the word "care." This was so important, the idea that my God or Higher Power (HP) would actually CARE for me. In defining what "care" meant to me, I realized it meant trusting in a force that has my best interests at heart, a loving God that cares for, protects, and comforts me. This was so different than the God I grew up with. One of my favorite pre-program phrases was "God punishes!" It was jokingly said of course, but the truth is I believed that. Now I had and have a chance to develop an understanding of my own benevolent, kind and loving higher power.

The last thing that struck me about Step 3 is that it asks me simply to "make a decision." It does not ask me to turn my will and my life over yet. It simply asks me to decide that I am willing to do so. The subsequent nine steps are the means by which I begin to actually do the turning over. In Step 3, I developed the necessary willingness and understanding of my own God that then allowed me to look at myself fearlessly. If I have a loving HP, then anything I do in this program is for my own good, for my ultimate happiness and serenity. So I can replace my fear with faith that all will turn out well as long as I trust in my God and align my will with my HP's.

Remembering that I have a loving HP of my own understanding, that all I need to do is be willing to trust in my God and its will for me, and that each step I take is one closer to being happy, joyous and free - that is my 3rd step work every day.