about taking action

I am struck by the awareness that lots of people seem to have about the role food plays in their lives. It isn't that we lack knowledge. For me the question was what made/makes me willing to ACT on my knowledge.

I think the saying "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired" sums up what happened for me. I was tired of doing the same behavior, getting the same results, and feeling terrible about myself. Telling myself I didn't feel terrible. But feeling terrible nonetheless.

I spent a lot of time pushing down the desire to wear pretty clothes, to catch someone's eye, to get a compliment, to look at myself in the mirror and smile - I made those things unimportant.

Perhaps the tipping point was allowing myself to feel HOW terrible I felt. When I looked at my 240 pound body in the mirror, I was so sad and disgusted. It took me years to finally see what was in front of me in the mirror, and to get a big enough "why" I wanted to get to a healthy weight.

What I finally couldn't ignore was the pain in my joints. Yes, I have Lyme-related arthritis and disc degeneration, as well as fibromyalgia. AND the excess weight does not help.

I'm tired of so much pain. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of not being able to move around. And I'm also afraid of getting the family diseases of stroke and/or diabetes - for both of which weight is a big risk factor.

So my "why" got very loud and strong when I turned 50.

Now I am willing to take the small steps that are adding up to significant weight release - letting go of those excess pounds I no longer need anymore. They served whatever purpose they had and now I don't need them anymore. Bye-bye!

Today, I feel pretty good about myself and my willingness to track my food and avoid binges no matter what. No matter what happens, I don't have to binge. I don't have to feel so terrible about myself, which for me is the consequence of a binge. No matter what, I don't have to punish myself like that.

Which is good because I have had two triggers this week: an angry person in my face about something I did inadvertently that she thinks hurts her; and getting 20 pounds closer to my healthy weight goal.

The angry person scares me and I feel shame that I hurt her. I've apologized and think her reaction is a little out-sized, so there may be some other issue in her that was triggered. Still, I will talk to her this week after a few e-mails, and I'm scared. Food definitely used to be my go-to soother for fear and shame! INSTEAD: I've talked to friends, written about it, prayed, and done some positive self-talk. Eating won't help anything, and because a binge would trigger more shame, will actually make me feel worse than I already do. At least now I can feel proud of myself for sticking with my eating plans and getting closer to my goal!

The success is another trigger, because I often have sabotaged myself when I have lost weight in the past. The voices come up: "oh, this won't really matter" and "you lost before, you can just start again later" and "who really cares anyway?" And then I used to go ahead and eat those cookies or chips or candy - and I was off to the races for weeks. INSTEAD: I remind myself that I have another 50 pounds to release and let go in order to reach my target healthy weight. This is about a lifestyle change, about shifting the way I eat and view food, not about a short-term effort.

If I think this is going to be for the rest of my life, I get the "I need lots of food - NOW!" feeling. For me it works when I stay in today, and focus on one food choice at a time. So I do this one day at a time, one food choice at a time.

about Forgiveness

I was at a seminar this past weekend where I let go of a four-year old resentment against an employer - actually against the people on the Board of Directors who fired me after 11 years, quite abruptly and with great cruelty . Finally, I was able to forgive them because I got it that they did the best they could. It was mean, thoughtless, and quite devastating to me - AND it was the best they could do given who they are, where they were in their own lives. So I forgive them for they truly could not do better.

I also realized that I did the best I could in that situation. I reacted very badly to being treated so horribly, and I've carried around the question "what did I do to deserve this?" I did nothing to deserve that. I forgive myself, too.

Were there metaphysical reasons I drew that experience to me? Probably, and I can learn what they are. More than anything, though, I realize that my time at that organization was over and I needed to move on. Knowing myself, the only way I could move on was by being blasted out of there. And to realize that I could not grow and develop in that environment, that I already was starting to edit myself and keep myself small.

The way I was treated is evidence that the place was too small for me - small people behaving in small ways. I feel so much better when I can be fully myself, as big as I am, as curious and constantly learning as I can be. The program allows me to do that - it's as expansive and welcoming as I need it to be. So I got kicked out of the nest and given ample evidence that I was better off being out of there.

about how I learn and change

Yesterday was a day where I did not stick to an eating plan. I went to an election party and didn't plan ahead, didn't bring anything, just figured I'd drink water and not eat anything.

Well, I learned something: I must bring something with me. I cannot go to a party without bringing my own food. I need to plan for that. Because instead of eating apples which are on my plan, I ended up eating 4 pieces of bread and cheese and two cookies. It wasn't my usual binge for which I'm grateful. However, it was not part of my calorie plan. So I went 500 over! Now, that's a lot for me. Of course, I used to eat 2000 calories in a single sitting in addition to my usual meals. So I'm very happy I didn't do that. What I did do, unfortunately, was let the compulsive eating beast out of the cage and now it is talking quite loudly to me. Just makes it harder to stick to my plan. And now that I'm writing about it, I feel that I let myself down. I want to rationalize it and make it OK - see, it wasn't a REAL binge! The point is that I didn't stick to my plan.

Well, I'm going to take my own advice and forgive myself for going off plan. I definitely learned something, so it wasn't a mistake - it WAS an opportunity to learn. Now I can use this new information, add it to my tool kit, and make a different decision, take a different action, exercise a healthier choice next time. In fact, I'm glad I got this out of the way now - before the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Bermuda Triangle where so often I have gotten lost in sugar and carbs.

After so many years of being hard on myself and beating myself up for doing what I do, I am just no longer willing to feel bad about myself and my actions. I cannot abide that feeling. It's a feeling I've eaten over, drunk over, taken drugs over, smoked cigarettes over, cried over. The only one of those things that is healthy is the crying. And what crying tells me is that I am in pain - I am hurting myself. Now, why would I want to continue doing that? I don't want to anymore. I don't have to hurt myself. I can stop.

What that means for me is finding a way to forgive myself, to accept that I am in a process of discovery, to champion my growing understanding and acceptance of healthier choices, and to celebrate all that I learn. If I knew before what I know now, I would have made a different choice. Since I made the choice I made, clearly I didn't have the information necessary to make the healthier choice. So stop rehashing the past and regretting it! I've gathered more information, and I can put it to use. I find that I can only put it to use when I see it as new information rather than a "consequence" of my "mistake." Ooh - I just feel that 2 year old and 13 year old bridle inside me! "Don't you punish me! I did the best I could!" And that is completely, absolutely true. My goal is to grow. I trust my motives today. I trust that I have my own best interests at heart. I trust that I choose for my own highest good at the time I am choosing. If I don't have all the information I need, OK. I trust that I will get it through stepping forward and taking action. My experiences are my teachers. I will learn from my experiences, as long as I see them as positive and as gifts that contribute to my further growth and development. I rarely learn anything but aversion from punishing myself for not knowing more or doing more. When I was little, my mother used physical punishment, as did most parents back then. What did I learn? To avoid her touch. I don't remember learning whatever it was she was trying to teach me through the punishment. What was I doing that merited the punishment? I have no idea. Her verbal punishments - i.e. criticism of how I was vacuuming or dusting - had much more impact. I remember what I was doing wrong - especially when she told me how I was supposed to do it. Words are very powerful. Of course, today I hate to vacuum and dust - again aversion to the thing for which I was criticized and "punished."

I do not intend to develop an aversion to healthy eating and getting to a healthy weight. I intend to love my process, to enjoy the lessons I experience, and to come to a serene and happy acceptance of my body and a calm, easy relationship to food.