about how I learn and change
Yesterday was a day where I did not stick to an eating plan. I went to an election party and didn't plan ahead, didn't bring anything, just figured I'd drink water and not eat anything.
Well, I learned something: I must bring something with me. I cannot go to a party without bringing my own food. I need to plan for that. Because instead of eating apples which are on my plan, I ended up eating 4 pieces of bread and cheese and two cookies. It wasn't my usual binge for which I'm grateful. However, it was not part of my calorie plan. So I went 500 over! Now, that's a lot for me. Of course, I used to eat 2000 calories in a single sitting in addition to my usual meals. So I'm very happy I didn't do that. What I did do, unfortunately, was let the compulsive eating beast out of the cage and now it is talking quite loudly to me. Just makes it harder to stick to my plan. And now that I'm writing about it, I feel that I let myself down. I want to rationalize it and make it OK - see, it wasn't a REAL binge! The point is that I didn't stick to my plan.
Well, I'm going to take my own advice and forgive myself for going off plan. I definitely learned something, so it wasn't a mistake - it WAS an opportunity to learn. Now I can use this new information, add it to my tool kit, and make a different decision, take a different action, exercise a healthier choice next time. In fact, I'm glad I got this out of the way now - before the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Bermuda Triangle where so often I have gotten lost in sugar and carbs.
After so many years of being hard on myself and beating myself up for doing what I do, I am just no longer willing to feel bad about myself and my actions. I cannot abide that feeling. It's a feeling I've eaten over, drunk over, taken drugs over, smoked cigarettes over, cried over. The only one of those things that is healthy is the crying. And what crying tells me is that I am in pain - I am hurting myself. Now, why would I want to continue doing that? I don't want to anymore. I don't have to hurt myself. I can stop.
What that means for me is finding a way to forgive myself, to accept that I am in a process of discovery, to champion my growing understanding and acceptance of healthier choices, and to celebrate all that I learn. If I knew before what I know now, I would have made a different choice. Since I made the choice I made, clearly I didn't have the information necessary to make the healthier choice. So stop rehashing the past and regretting it! I've gathered more information, and I can put it to use. I find that I can only put it to use when I see it as new information rather than a "consequence" of my "mistake." Ooh - I just feel that 2 year old and 13 year old bridle inside me! "Don't you punish me! I did the best I could!" And that is completely, absolutely true. My goal is to grow. I trust my motives today. I trust that I have my own best interests at heart. I trust that I choose for my own highest good at the time I am choosing. If I don't have all the information I need, OK. I trust that I will get it through stepping forward and taking action. My experiences are my teachers. I will learn from my experiences, as long as I see them as positive and as gifts that contribute to my further growth and development. I rarely learn anything but aversion from punishing myself for not knowing more or doing more. When I was little, my mother used physical punishment, as did most parents back then. What did I learn? To avoid her touch. I don't remember learning whatever it was she was trying to teach me through the punishment. What was I doing that merited the punishment? I have no idea. Her verbal punishments - i.e. criticism of how I was vacuuming or dusting - had much more impact. I remember what I was doing wrong - especially when she told me how I was supposed to do it. Words are very powerful. Of course, today I hate to vacuum and dust - again aversion to the thing for which I was criticized and "punished."
I do not intend to develop an aversion to healthy eating and getting to a healthy weight. I intend to love my process, to enjoy the lessons I experience, and to come to a serene and happy acceptance of my body and a calm, easy relationship to food.
Well, I learned something: I must bring something with me. I cannot go to a party without bringing my own food. I need to plan for that. Because instead of eating apples which are on my plan, I ended up eating 4 pieces of bread and cheese and two cookies. It wasn't my usual binge for which I'm grateful. However, it was not part of my calorie plan. So I went 500 over! Now, that's a lot for me. Of course, I used to eat 2000 calories in a single sitting in addition to my usual meals. So I'm very happy I didn't do that. What I did do, unfortunately, was let the compulsive eating beast out of the cage and now it is talking quite loudly to me. Just makes it harder to stick to my plan. And now that I'm writing about it, I feel that I let myself down. I want to rationalize it and make it OK - see, it wasn't a REAL binge! The point is that I didn't stick to my plan.
Well, I'm going to take my own advice and forgive myself for going off plan. I definitely learned something, so it wasn't a mistake - it WAS an opportunity to learn. Now I can use this new information, add it to my tool kit, and make a different decision, take a different action, exercise a healthier choice next time. In fact, I'm glad I got this out of the way now - before the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Bermuda Triangle where so often I have gotten lost in sugar and carbs.
After so many years of being hard on myself and beating myself up for doing what I do, I am just no longer willing to feel bad about myself and my actions. I cannot abide that feeling. It's a feeling I've eaten over, drunk over, taken drugs over, smoked cigarettes over, cried over. The only one of those things that is healthy is the crying. And what crying tells me is that I am in pain - I am hurting myself. Now, why would I want to continue doing that? I don't want to anymore. I don't have to hurt myself. I can stop.
What that means for me is finding a way to forgive myself, to accept that I am in a process of discovery, to champion my growing understanding and acceptance of healthier choices, and to celebrate all that I learn. If I knew before what I know now, I would have made a different choice. Since I made the choice I made, clearly I didn't have the information necessary to make the healthier choice. So stop rehashing the past and regretting it! I've gathered more information, and I can put it to use. I find that I can only put it to use when I see it as new information rather than a "consequence" of my "mistake." Ooh - I just feel that 2 year old and 13 year old bridle inside me! "Don't you punish me! I did the best I could!" And that is completely, absolutely true. My goal is to grow. I trust my motives today. I trust that I have my own best interests at heart. I trust that I choose for my own highest good at the time I am choosing. If I don't have all the information I need, OK. I trust that I will get it through stepping forward and taking action. My experiences are my teachers. I will learn from my experiences, as long as I see them as positive and as gifts that contribute to my further growth and development. I rarely learn anything but aversion from punishing myself for not knowing more or doing more. When I was little, my mother used physical punishment, as did most parents back then. What did I learn? To avoid her touch. I don't remember learning whatever it was she was trying to teach me through the punishment. What was I doing that merited the punishment? I have no idea. Her verbal punishments - i.e. criticism of how I was vacuuming or dusting - had much more impact. I remember what I was doing wrong - especially when she told me how I was supposed to do it. Words are very powerful. Of course, today I hate to vacuum and dust - again aversion to the thing for which I was criticized and "punished."
I do not intend to develop an aversion to healthy eating and getting to a healthy weight. I intend to love my process, to enjoy the lessons I experience, and to come to a serene and happy acceptance of my body and a calm, easy relationship to food.
posted by julieannerickson at 11:46 AM
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