about the fog of the food lifting
I'm starting to see my life a little more clearly.
When I hit the scales at 240, I could no longer deny that my weight is excessive and my eating out of control. Since I have been tracking food and calories, I have lost about 7 pounds and that feels WONDERFUL!
More than that, I am starting to see how I have used food to get me through difficult life situations. I binged through jobs and relationships, being fired (twice), my 6 year old nephew dying, parents and friends moving, 9/11 - you name it. I didn't pick up alcohol or drugs or cigarettes (other addictions), which is fantastic. Now I'm ready to deal with this addiction.
I found myself saying to someone yesterday about someone else who is quite heavy that she won't know what she's hungry for until she stops eating compulsively. Of course, I was talking about myself. Perhaps I was afraid there would be nothing to feed me if I went without food...I'll get to see as long as I stick to my commitment to eat healthy food within my plan.
Years ago I was in OA and really grew to hate people's obsessions with food - how much, how often, what kind, how many calories, where. It seemed to me that they were trading one form of the obsession for another, and I wanted to be free of the obsession with food.
Today, I recognize that it's OK for me to focus on food, to have an eating plan and a calorie goal, to be a little obsessed with what I can eat. I do want to be free of the obsession and compulsivity. That's my goal; today, it's not my reality. I'm not free - YET. I do need to exercise constant vigilance in order to develop a new habit of eating and maintain it long enough to let go of the excess weight I no longer need. If that's obsession, so be it.
Along with vigilance, I am committed to having fun and bringing joy and energy to this journey. I've found that taking myself lightly helps me take care of myself. It's not a burden, it's a pleasure. And part of the pleasure is SparkPeople - so glad I found it.
When I hit the scales at 240, I could no longer deny that my weight is excessive and my eating out of control. Since I have been tracking food and calories, I have lost about 7 pounds and that feels WONDERFUL!
More than that, I am starting to see how I have used food to get me through difficult life situations. I binged through jobs and relationships, being fired (twice), my 6 year old nephew dying, parents and friends moving, 9/11 - you name it. I didn't pick up alcohol or drugs or cigarettes (other addictions), which is fantastic. Now I'm ready to deal with this addiction.
I found myself saying to someone yesterday about someone else who is quite heavy that she won't know what she's hungry for until she stops eating compulsively. Of course, I was talking about myself. Perhaps I was afraid there would be nothing to feed me if I went without food...I'll get to see as long as I stick to my commitment to eat healthy food within my plan.
Years ago I was in OA and really grew to hate people's obsessions with food - how much, how often, what kind, how many calories, where. It seemed to me that they were trading one form of the obsession for another, and I wanted to be free of the obsession with food.
Today, I recognize that it's OK for me to focus on food, to have an eating plan and a calorie goal, to be a little obsessed with what I can eat. I do want to be free of the obsession and compulsivity. That's my goal; today, it's not my reality. I'm not free - YET. I do need to exercise constant vigilance in order to develop a new habit of eating and maintain it long enough to let go of the excess weight I no longer need. If that's obsession, so be it.
Along with vigilance, I am committed to having fun and bringing joy and energy to this journey. I've found that taking myself lightly helps me take care of myself. It's not a burden, it's a pleasure. And part of the pleasure is SparkPeople - so glad I found it.
posted by julieannerickson at 4:52 PM
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