about taking action
I am struck by the awareness that lots of people seem to have about the role food plays in their lives. It isn't that we lack knowledge. For me the question was what made/makes me willing to ACT on my knowledge.
I think the saying "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired" sums up what happened for me. I was tired of doing the same behavior, getting the same results, and feeling terrible about myself. Telling myself I didn't feel terrible. But feeling terrible nonetheless.
I spent a lot of time pushing down the desire to wear pretty clothes, to catch someone's eye, to get a compliment, to look at myself in the mirror and smile - I made those things unimportant.
Perhaps the tipping point was allowing myself to feel HOW terrible I felt. When I looked at my 240 pound body in the mirror, I was so sad and disgusted. It took me years to finally see what was in front of me in the mirror, and to get a big enough "why" I wanted to get to a healthy weight.
What I finally couldn't ignore was the pain in my joints. Yes, I have Lyme-related arthritis and disc degeneration, as well as fibromyalgia. AND the excess weight does not help.
I'm tired of so much pain. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of not being able to move around. And I'm also afraid of getting the family diseases of stroke and/or diabetes - for both of which weight is a big risk factor.
So my "why" got very loud and strong when I turned 50.
Now I am willing to take the small steps that are adding up to significant weight release - letting go of those excess pounds I no longer need anymore. They served whatever purpose they had and now I don't need them anymore. Bye-bye!
Today, I feel pretty good about myself and my willingness to track my food and avoid binges no matter what. No matter what happens, I don't have to binge. I don't have to feel so terrible about myself, which for me is the consequence of a binge. No matter what, I don't have to punish myself like that.
Which is good because I have had two triggers this week: an angry person in my face about something I did inadvertently that she thinks hurts her; and getting 20 pounds closer to my healthy weight goal.
The angry person scares me and I feel shame that I hurt her. I've apologized and think her reaction is a little out-sized, so there may be some other issue in her that was triggered. Still, I will talk to her this week after a few e-mails, and I'm scared. Food definitely used to be my go-to soother for fear and shame! INSTEAD: I've talked to friends, written about it, prayed, and done some positive self-talk. Eating won't help anything, and because a binge would trigger more shame, will actually make me feel worse than I already do. At least now I can feel proud of myself for sticking with my eating plans and getting closer to my goal!
The success is another trigger, because I often have sabotaged myself when I have lost weight in the past. The voices come up: "oh, this won't really matter" and "you lost before, you can just start again later" and "who really cares anyway?" And then I used to go ahead and eat those cookies or chips or candy - and I was off to the races for weeks. INSTEAD: I remind myself that I have another 50 pounds to release and let go in order to reach my target healthy weight. This is about a lifestyle change, about shifting the way I eat and view food, not about a short-term effort.
If I think this is going to be for the rest of my life, I get the "I need lots of food - NOW!" feeling. For me it works when I stay in today, and focus on one food choice at a time. So I do this one day at a time, one food choice at a time.
I think the saying "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired" sums up what happened for me. I was tired of doing the same behavior, getting the same results, and feeling terrible about myself. Telling myself I didn't feel terrible. But feeling terrible nonetheless.
I spent a lot of time pushing down the desire to wear pretty clothes, to catch someone's eye, to get a compliment, to look at myself in the mirror and smile - I made those things unimportant.
Perhaps the tipping point was allowing myself to feel HOW terrible I felt. When I looked at my 240 pound body in the mirror, I was so sad and disgusted. It took me years to finally see what was in front of me in the mirror, and to get a big enough "why" I wanted to get to a healthy weight.
What I finally couldn't ignore was the pain in my joints. Yes, I have Lyme-related arthritis and disc degeneration, as well as fibromyalgia. AND the excess weight does not help.
I'm tired of so much pain. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of not being able to move around. And I'm also afraid of getting the family diseases of stroke and/or diabetes - for both of which weight is a big risk factor.
So my "why" got very loud and strong when I turned 50.
Now I am willing to take the small steps that are adding up to significant weight release - letting go of those excess pounds I no longer need anymore. They served whatever purpose they had and now I don't need them anymore. Bye-bye!
Today, I feel pretty good about myself and my willingness to track my food and avoid binges no matter what. No matter what happens, I don't have to binge. I don't have to feel so terrible about myself, which for me is the consequence of a binge. No matter what, I don't have to punish myself like that.
Which is good because I have had two triggers this week: an angry person in my face about something I did inadvertently that she thinks hurts her; and getting 20 pounds closer to my healthy weight goal.
The angry person scares me and I feel shame that I hurt her. I've apologized and think her reaction is a little out-sized, so there may be some other issue in her that was triggered. Still, I will talk to her this week after a few e-mails, and I'm scared. Food definitely used to be my go-to soother for fear and shame! INSTEAD: I've talked to friends, written about it, prayed, and done some positive self-talk. Eating won't help anything, and because a binge would trigger more shame, will actually make me feel worse than I already do. At least now I can feel proud of myself for sticking with my eating plans and getting closer to my goal!
The success is another trigger, because I often have sabotaged myself when I have lost weight in the past. The voices come up: "oh, this won't really matter" and "you lost before, you can just start again later" and "who really cares anyway?" And then I used to go ahead and eat those cookies or chips or candy - and I was off to the races for weeks. INSTEAD: I remind myself that I have another 50 pounds to release and let go in order to reach my target healthy weight. This is about a lifestyle change, about shifting the way I eat and view food, not about a short-term effort.
If I think this is going to be for the rest of my life, I get the "I need lots of food - NOW!" feeling. For me it works when I stay in today, and focus on one food choice at a time. So I do this one day at a time, one food choice at a time.
posted by julieannerickson at 11:53 AM
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