about a friend's relationship insanity

It's incredibly difficult to know what to do in a painful situation that involves a relationship with a loved one. One thing I do know is that the only person who will know what to do at any given moment is you. Until you know, you don't know.

I was involved with someone who was great in so many ways and not so great in other ways. I tried to mold myself into someone else and blamed myself for failing. That is insanity.

I stayed until one day I knew I didn't have to. I don't want to give the impression that this was a calm, centered realization! It was a day of tears and self-recrimination like so many others. It's just that I'd been praying for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out (the 11th step prayer). I'd prayed every day for months. I'd taken risks like calling my friends and going to meetings several times a week. I'd also begun to detach a little - not react to criticism or do what was demanded without anger or resentment - and to observe that it didn't stop the criticism or meanness.

Awareness came as I detached a little bit from my own angst and observed our dynamic. Acceptance followed when I started to ask myself if I could live forever with this person "as is," with no changes.

I came to accept that I had limitations, too. I could not change myself to suit another person. I also came to accept that I needed certain things in a relationship. It was insane for me to think I could just go "poof!" and make those needs go away. And it was insane for me to expect this person to meet those needs.

The day came when I understood and accepted that I was not going to meet my own needs by staying with this particular person. That was the day when I thanked God for my pain, because I finally realized itwas my pain and I could do something about it. One day, I simply knew God's will for me, and I had the power to carry it out. I knew what action to take! I didn't have to continue suffering. I could leave the relationship. And I did.

To use an analogy, I could leave the hardware store because it really didn't have the oranges I wanted and needed. I'd tried everything I knew how to do - oh, maybe that orange clamp is an orange! Oh, I know they've hidden one around here and I'll find it if I just dig more and stick around longer! It was amazing and wonderful to realize that I'd seen and done everything possible and really, there were no oranges. Really. I could leave.

Until you know, you don't know.

In any relationship, sanity is recognizing that I am always in the process of gathering information, of digging around the hardware store, of testing out different ways of behaving. Sometimes I am in a grocery store that's just laid out very differently from what I'm accustomed to and it takes some time to find the oranges. I'll find them better if I stay true to myself, in touch with my feelings, trusting my gut. And sometimes, the oranges just aren't there and won't be, ever. Today, I read the sign on the store and keep moving. I don't have to go into every store; I can keep looking until I find the grocery store or produce market - the places most likely to have the oranges I need and want.

I read signs all the time now. My feelings signal me constantly, giving me excellent information to guide me to healthy relationships in work, play, home, and love.

For example, if I feel criticized, there are two possible reasons: one, I am being criticized; and two, the criticism is touching a sensitive spot in me. Usually, both are true. My job is not to defend myselffrom the criticism, but to explore why it bothers me so much.

Over time, I've come to shy away from people who criticize me simply because I don't need that energy in my life. People who criticize are usually seeing something in me that they don't like in themselves (when one finger points at me, three are pointing back at the other person - and vice-versa, of course!). I now love and admire myself and want to remain in that spot. My psyche can be fragile and my disease is subtle. I have observed that if I surround myself with critical people, I become more critical of myself and others. If I surround myself with loving people, I become more loving of myself and others. I like how I feel when I'm loving, so that's the energy and behavior I seek in others.

Now I know.

about continuing to believe in one person's power

What if everyone who wanted to change the world got discouraged and gave up? What if the forces of greed and disdain and cynicism held complete sway? What would happen if no one wanted to improve themselves, to become a better person, to be more loving and kind? Imagine a world without compassion, without service or generosity, without caring? What if no one gave and no one received? What kind of life would we live if we were really all in it for ourselves and no one else? What if there was no hope? Would we be happy? Would there be unadulterated joy? Would we be satisfied, content, at peace, serene, "in the flow" or "at one with the universe?" Would the concepts of nirvana and heaven exist?

Or would we live a hell on earth and pray only for release from tortured existence?

I can't give up my ideals or my striving or my efforts to be of service and improve the world for me and for others. I may be the only person swimming against this tide, but it is my only choice. And I am not alone. Others understand the power of one person. It's inner work that will make the difference, that will change the external.

a power greater than myself

For years, I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I yearned for it, desperately.

Like so many, I read every self-help and spiritual book there was. I went to churches on off hours to pray and meditate. I meditated at home according to a formula my sponsor outlined: start with seven minutes a day using a timer or alarm clock. When it felt that the seven minutes had barely elapsed, move on to fourteen, and so on. When I got to 21 minutes, I began to feel elation, a joy that was indescribable. And it scared me out of my wits. So I promptly stopped meditating.

I guess I wasn't really ready for a relationship with my own personal Higher Power! Thankfully, I was ready for a relationship with the 12-step groups I joined.

I felt very safe in a group and found it easy to share in the group. It wasn't as easy for me to share one-on-one - too intimate! Too much risk of being judged, and then what would I do? Where would I turn if the person in whom I confided backed away in disgust? I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with rejection at any level. In one of those weird program paradoxes, I didn't have the emotional wherewithal to cope with acceptance, either. I was so empty after years of people-pleasing, of trying to mold myself into someone innocuous, inoffensive, and unlikely to be hit or verbally abused.

The group had enough people in it that I could find at least one person who seemed to understand. Usually, of course, I found more than one person who identified with me. The power of the group astonished me. Here, I could be myself. Here, I could be honest. Here, I could experiment with opinions and talking about feelings without fear of recrimination. Here, if someone did judge me, there would be another person who would take my part and approach me after the meeting to say "never mind that one. You must have touched something off for him/her. And good for you for sharing!" I didn't feel alone anymore.

Over time, I began to realize that I had friends - true friends of the heart. I even had fights with them and made up! That was a real miracle. Usually, I ran away at the first sign of conflict. I knew I would cave and hate myself, or I would bully and hate myself. I lost either way. Through using the tools of the program, however, I was able to listen to someone else's feelings and opinions, and to express my own. In some instances, we were not able to reconcile, while in most, we were once we understood each other's point of view and values. Even when I didn't reconcile with a friend, I felt good about myself because I had been honest and loving. I had understood the other person's point of view, and realized that we just had moved apart.

Higher Power was working in my life through the program! It had begun as the group power, showing me the acceptance and love I had sought for so long to no avail. I could then begin to envision a God/HP that was loving and caring, rather than cold and punishing. That's the Higher Power for which I had yearned, for years and years.

Step Two is sometimes broken into "Came," "Came to," then "Came to believe." In truth, that is my process. First I came to meetings. Then I "came to," realizing that there was another reality than the isolated and tortured existence I yearned to escape. And finally, I "came to believe" that there was a loving, accepting power greater than myself. By that point, I was being restored to sanity - the sanity of realizing that I was one among many and worthy in my own right, worthy of being myself fully and completely.

At last, I was ready for a relationship with my Higher Power, a "God of my understanding." My God is within me and without me. My God speaks to me through other people and through my own words, be they spoken or written. My God is a "we" God, grounded in community and fueled by my community's generosity and love.

I now have a spiritual foundation that is less about "spiritual ecstasy" and more about serenity. I've lived long enough to appreciate the quietude and peace of my solid faith that I am on the right path and always in my Higher Power's care. I realize I no longer crave unadulterated joy. It's OK for my joy to be tempered with sadness, to feel abundance with loss, to have gratitude with yearning. For me, that's sanity. When I forget all this, my community helps bring me back to sanity.

And I do forget. I do lose faith. When my faith was very new, I lost it every day. Reading spiritual books, talking to friends, and being of service to others restored my faith. 25 years on, my faith is tested by much larger things. I lost faith when my six year old nephew was killed 18 months ago by a terrible brain cancer. Only recently have I refound it. It's different now, too. I feel more solid in my confidence that all is as it should be, even as I rail against cruel fate for taking David. I can't explain the paradox, except to say that I'm here for some reason yet to be revealed, and he was here to teach me to love life fully and completely as long as I am here.

As I always said in college, more shall be revealed! Of that, I am certain. Therein lies faith.