about a friend's relationship insanity
It's incredibly difficult to know what to do in a painful situation that involves a relationship with a loved one. One thing I do know is that the only person who will know what to do at any given moment is you. Until you know, you don't know.
I was involved with someone who was great in so many ways and not so great in other ways. I tried to mold myself into someone else and blamed myself for failing. That is insanity.
I stayed until one day I knew I didn't have to. I don't want to give the impression that this was a calm, centered realization! It was a day of tears and self-recrimination like so many others. It's just that I'd been praying for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out (the 11th step prayer). I'd prayed every day for months. I'd taken risks like calling my friends and going to meetings several times a week. I'd also begun to detach a little - not react to criticism or do what was demanded without anger or resentment - and to observe that it didn't stop the criticism or meanness.
Awareness came as I detached a little bit from my own angst and observed our dynamic. Acceptance followed when I started to ask myself if I could live forever with this person "as is," with no changes.
I came to accept that I had limitations, too. I could not change myself to suit another person. I also came to accept that I needed certain things in a relationship. It was insane for me to think I could just go "poof!" and make those needs go away. And it was insane for me to expect this person to meet those needs.
The day came when I understood and accepted that I was not going to meet my own needs by staying with this particular person. That was the day when I thanked God for my pain, because I finally realized itwas my pain and I could do something about it. One day, I simply knew God's will for me, and I had the power to carry it out. I knew what action to take! I didn't have to continue suffering. I could leave the relationship. And I did.
To use an analogy, I could leave the hardware store because it really didn't have the oranges I wanted and needed. I'd tried everything I knew how to do - oh, maybe that orange clamp is an orange! Oh, I know they've hidden one around here and I'll find it if I just dig more and stick around longer! It was amazing and wonderful to realize that I'd seen and done everything possible and really, there were no oranges. Really. I could leave.
Until you know, you don't know.
In any relationship, sanity is recognizing that I am always in the process of gathering information, of digging around the hardware store, of testing out different ways of behaving. Sometimes I am in a grocery store that's just laid out very differently from what I'm accustomed to and it takes some time to find the oranges. I'll find them better if I stay true to myself, in touch with my feelings, trusting my gut. And sometimes, the oranges just aren't there and won't be, ever. Today, I read the sign on the store and keep moving. I don't have to go into every store; I can keep looking until I find the grocery store or produce market - the places most likely to have the oranges I need and want.
I read signs all the time now. My feelings signal me constantly, giving me excellent information to guide me to healthy relationships in work, play, home, and love.
For example, if I feel criticized, there are two possible reasons: one, I am being criticized; and two, the criticism is touching a sensitive spot in me. Usually, both are true. My job is not to defend myselffrom the criticism, but to explore why it bothers me so much.
Over time, I've come to shy away from people who criticize me simply because I don't need that energy in my life. People who criticize are usually seeing something in me that they don't like in themselves (when one finger points at me, three are pointing back at the other person - and vice-versa, of course!). I now love and admire myself and want to remain in that spot. My psyche can be fragile and my disease is subtle. I have observed that if I surround myself with critical people, I become more critical of myself and others. If I surround myself with loving people, I become more loving of myself and others. I like how I feel when I'm loving, so that's the energy and behavior I seek in others.
Now I know.
I was involved with someone who was great in so many ways and not so great in other ways. I tried to mold myself into someone else and blamed myself for failing. That is insanity.
I stayed until one day I knew I didn't have to. I don't want to give the impression that this was a calm, centered realization! It was a day of tears and self-recrimination like so many others. It's just that I'd been praying for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out (the 11th step prayer). I'd prayed every day for months. I'd taken risks like calling my friends and going to meetings several times a week. I'd also begun to detach a little - not react to criticism or do what was demanded without anger or resentment - and to observe that it didn't stop the criticism or meanness.
Awareness came as I detached a little bit from my own angst and observed our dynamic. Acceptance followed when I started to ask myself if I could live forever with this person "as is," with no changes.
I came to accept that I had limitations, too. I could not change myself to suit another person. I also came to accept that I needed certain things in a relationship. It was insane for me to think I could just go "poof!" and make those needs go away. And it was insane for me to expect this person to meet those needs.
The day came when I understood and accepted that I was not going to meet my own needs by staying with this particular person. That was the day when I thanked God for my pain, because I finally realized itwas my pain and I could do something about it. One day, I simply knew God's will for me, and I had the power to carry it out. I knew what action to take! I didn't have to continue suffering. I could leave the relationship. And I did.
To use an analogy, I could leave the hardware store because it really didn't have the oranges I wanted and needed. I'd tried everything I knew how to do - oh, maybe that orange clamp is an orange! Oh, I know they've hidden one around here and I'll find it if I just dig more and stick around longer! It was amazing and wonderful to realize that I'd seen and done everything possible and really, there were no oranges. Really. I could leave.
Until you know, you don't know.
In any relationship, sanity is recognizing that I am always in the process of gathering information, of digging around the hardware store, of testing out different ways of behaving. Sometimes I am in a grocery store that's just laid out very differently from what I'm accustomed to and it takes some time to find the oranges. I'll find them better if I stay true to myself, in touch with my feelings, trusting my gut. And sometimes, the oranges just aren't there and won't be, ever. Today, I read the sign on the store and keep moving. I don't have to go into every store; I can keep looking until I find the grocery store or produce market - the places most likely to have the oranges I need and want.
I read signs all the time now. My feelings signal me constantly, giving me excellent information to guide me to healthy relationships in work, play, home, and love.
For example, if I feel criticized, there are two possible reasons: one, I am being criticized; and two, the criticism is touching a sensitive spot in me. Usually, both are true. My job is not to defend myselffrom the criticism, but to explore why it bothers me so much.
Over time, I've come to shy away from people who criticize me simply because I don't need that energy in my life. People who criticize are usually seeing something in me that they don't like in themselves (when one finger points at me, three are pointing back at the other person - and vice-versa, of course!). I now love and admire myself and want to remain in that spot. My psyche can be fragile and my disease is subtle. I have observed that if I surround myself with critical people, I become more critical of myself and others. If I surround myself with loving people, I become more loving of myself and others. I like how I feel when I'm loving, so that's the energy and behavior I seek in others.
Now I know.
Labels: acceptance, action, awareness, detachment, information-gathering, insanity, observing, pain, process, relationships, sanity, self-love, struggle
posted by julieannerickson at 2:20 PM
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