about life's teachers

I always thought my teachers in life would be loving and generous. "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I thought I'd have gurus at whose feet I could sit, soaking up wisdom and knowledge of the universe, becoming enlightened myself.

After enough rough times, however, I realized that my teachers didn't wear flowing orange or white robes and sit in the lotus position. My teachers were bad relationships, difficult work environments, painful childhood experiences, awful family holidays, needy or mean or superficial friends, and disappointments galore. These were the forges for tempering my extremes, taming my expectations, learning my limitations, and establishing my boundaries. When I didn't fit, I got to see where it had gone awry. Why had I picked that person, or job, or friend? Why did I stay so long in such pain, dissatisfaction, discomfort? What prevented me from accepting life on life's terms? How did I get in my own way, preventing myself from having what I wanted and loving what I had?

"May the road rise up to meet you" came to mean that when I was ready to face something about myself - some fear or unrealistic expectation - all of a sudden I'd be in situation after situation where I had the chance to act out and experience my dysfunttion over and over again until I was good and ready to change.

I found I needed some non-judgmental way to characterize my learning process. It was not helpful for me to berate myself for being stupid or "sick" when I kept returning to painful situations and people. I was victimizing myself far more than anyone else victimized me. So I learned to call my learning and change process "information-gathering." I needed to have enough information to make a decision, a change, an accommodation, a shift in attitude or behavior. I could only get such information by returning to the "scene of the crime" - the situation or person with which I engaged so negatively. I had to prove to myself that I had tried everything to rectify the situation and so give myself permission to act or leave or change. Above all, I needed to observe my own behavior time and again until I fully realized that it was I who was responsible for my situation either by remaining overlong or by attempting fruitlessly to change others.

It took me quite a long time to spot patterns, to recognize early on the signs of an infelicitous situation or liaison and so avoid engagement and consequent pain. I learned that guilt is what I feel when I'm doing what I want to do rather than someone else's wishes of me. Guilt is a sign that I am on my own path and surrounded by people who don't want me to succeed on it. I learned that any time I say "I should" do anything, I am embarking on the path to future resentment and martyrdom. If I do anything, let me choose to do it freely with no future recriminations of self or others. I learned that I am honorable, well-intentioned and generally well-behaved. Confident in my own character, I have no cause for guilt, regret or admonition from myself and no reason to expect, allow or accept it from others.