about how I learned to make decisions
I've struggled with making decisions based on my own highest good rather than what other people think I should do. Using 12-step program tools permitted me to keep the focus on myself when making decisions. Keeping the focus on myself allowed me to use the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.
First, I became aware of how I'd been making decisions. My usual M.O. was to ask everyone I ran into what I should do. I collected opinions like other people collect recipes - indiscriminately - and then tossed them into a mental pile, not knowing which were most important and relevant, and then not knowing how to sort through them at all. Eventually, I'd pick one and do that, without thinking through the consequences. If I was unhappy with the decision I made, I'd whine about it and try to change it even if it was too late. I acted precipitously because I felt such an urgency to make a decision.
Next I had to accept that this was my decision-making process. That was very hard, because I immediately wanted it to be different. I had decided that if it was my process, it must be incorrect because I was a sick puppy. Didn't that mean that everything I had done prior to program was unhealthy? Then let me make it go away, be different, change it NOW! For me, the slogan "awareness, acceptance, and then action" let me know that I couldn't jump right from awareness to action. I needed to slow down and go through some process of acceptance. I didn't really know what acceptance meant, or what it would look like.
As I slowed down to observe my behavior and notice what I did, I found that there were elements of my decision-making that perhaps were worth salvaging. Perhaps they could be elements of a more effective, less stressful way of making decisions.
For instance, I noticed that if I rejected the idea that I had to make a decision RIGHT NOW!, then slowly some of the opinions I'd gathered floated to the top of my mind. I found myself thinking about them and assessing them against my gut feeling. That seemed like a great way of using feedback from others. The piece missing from my previous process was time. Time to consider, time to think through options, time to let God work, time for prayer. This became the foundation for the final step, action.
I now had a conceptual framework for making decisions of all sorts: Identify all my options, give myself some time and slow down or eliminate the feeling of urgency, ask for guidance from my higher power, and use my gut.
That last piece was really important and was a new element that I found myself adding to decision-making. I started "trying on" decisions. I'd decide one way, and see what my gut told me. If I felt like I couldn't live with the outcome, I knew I needed to go in a different direction, make a different decision. If I felt comfortable, then I'd made the right decision.
The final thing that helped me was what some Al-Anoner told me: there is no such thing as a wrong decision, there are only opportunities for growth. What I've taken from that is that I can make a decision and if it doesn't turn out to have the results I expected and wanted, I can still live with those results. And perhaps those are better results in the long run. I don't know.
I do know that I can improve my attitude toward whatever comes at me in my life. I always can look for the positives. I always can ask for help from people and from my Higher Power. I always can practice acceptance of life on life's terms. I can work the steps and make amends for decisions and actions I've taken that have harmed other people, and can learn from it so I don't have to repeat that behavior. I have come to see the truth and reality of the Promises that come after Step Nine in the AA Big Book: "we will not regret the past nor wish to change it. We will see how our experience can benefit others."
First, I became aware of how I'd been making decisions. My usual M.O. was to ask everyone I ran into what I should do. I collected opinions like other people collect recipes - indiscriminately - and then tossed them into a mental pile, not knowing which were most important and relevant, and then not knowing how to sort through them at all. Eventually, I'd pick one and do that, without thinking through the consequences. If I was unhappy with the decision I made, I'd whine about it and try to change it even if it was too late. I acted precipitously because I felt such an urgency to make a decision.
Next I had to accept that this was my decision-making process. That was very hard, because I immediately wanted it to be different. I had decided that if it was my process, it must be incorrect because I was a sick puppy. Didn't that mean that everything I had done prior to program was unhealthy? Then let me make it go away, be different, change it NOW! For me, the slogan "awareness, acceptance, and then action" let me know that I couldn't jump right from awareness to action. I needed to slow down and go through some process of acceptance. I didn't really know what acceptance meant, or what it would look like.
As I slowed down to observe my behavior and notice what I did, I found that there were elements of my decision-making that perhaps were worth salvaging. Perhaps they could be elements of a more effective, less stressful way of making decisions.
For instance, I noticed that if I rejected the idea that I had to make a decision RIGHT NOW!, then slowly some of the opinions I'd gathered floated to the top of my mind. I found myself thinking about them and assessing them against my gut feeling. That seemed like a great way of using feedback from others. The piece missing from my previous process was time. Time to consider, time to think through options, time to let God work, time for prayer. This became the foundation for the final step, action.
I now had a conceptual framework for making decisions of all sorts: Identify all my options, give myself some time and slow down or eliminate the feeling of urgency, ask for guidance from my higher power, and use my gut.
That last piece was really important and was a new element that I found myself adding to decision-making. I started "trying on" decisions. I'd decide one way, and see what my gut told me. If I felt like I couldn't live with the outcome, I knew I needed to go in a different direction, make a different decision. If I felt comfortable, then I'd made the right decision.
The final thing that helped me was what some Al-Anoner told me: there is no such thing as a wrong decision, there are only opportunities for growth. What I've taken from that is that I can make a decision and if it doesn't turn out to have the results I expected and wanted, I can still live with those results. And perhaps those are better results in the long run. I don't know.
I do know that I can improve my attitude toward whatever comes at me in my life. I always can look for the positives. I always can ask for help from people and from my Higher Power. I always can practice acceptance of life on life's terms. I can work the steps and make amends for decisions and actions I've taken that have harmed other people, and can learn from it so I don't have to repeat that behavior. I have come to see the truth and reality of the Promises that come after Step Nine in the AA Big Book: "we will not regret the past nor wish to change it. We will see how our experience can benefit others."
posted by julieannerickson at 5:54 PM
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