about happiness

Happiness is a function of two things: attitude and circumstance.

Sometimes, I exist in circumstances that are not conducive to my being happy. Such circumstances are those that seem to force me to behave in ways contrary to my integrity, values, learning style, talents or preferred skills. If a job doesn't allow me to use my best abilities, there's a good chance I won't be happy. If I'm in a relationship with someone who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, I probably won't be happy. So to be happy, I need to change my circumstances.

Yet, I wonder if attitude isn't the basic factor in happiness. There's a quote by Abraham Lincoln that "most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." If I decide that I want to be happy, I will seek circumstances that are beneficial to my mental and physical health, that contribute to my further spiritual and social growth, that feel nurturing and positive. For so long, it felt comfortable to be unhappy and complaining about everything around me. It wasn't easy to get to the point where I realized I was the common denominator in all the problems I had or faced. I resisted for many moons the knowledge that I could take action to change my circumstances if I was dissatisfied. It took great pain for me to understand that I could leave dissatisfying relationships, jobs, environs - or I could accept that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and be happy in spite of unsatisfactory circumstances.

When I made the decision to be happy, when it felt more comfortable to be happy than to complain, it became clear that even awful circumstances couldn't make me unhappy. Circumstances no longer had the power to control my mood and attitude. And by accepting where I was and coming to understand why I was in a certain situation, I was finally able to change my circumstances to more salubrious ones. Paradoxically, my decision to be happy no matter what allowed me to create happier circumstances.

This shift in attitude, this desire to seek a state of happiness regardless of circumstance has stood me well as I face circumstances beyond my control - David's illness and death, my physical problems, work travails. I can't bring David back. I really am disabled - although I do know there is more I can and will do to become more physically able. And I can't change the past and how I behaved toward and was treated by employers. Because circumstances are out of my control, the only thing I can do anything about is my attitude.

Sometimes I find myself depressed, lonely, hopeless. While these feelings were familiar and comfortable in the past, they no longer are. I don't want to wallow, to feel sorry for myself - at least, not for very long! And so I change my attitude. I seek to be serene, happy, content, satisfied with the life and blessings I have now. And lo and behold, I find myself gravitating toward other people or doing something positive like writing or gardening or calling someone. I no longer feel powerless and trapped by my circumstances. I find the power I do have, and exercise it. I feel better about myself for doing so.

about a friend's relationship insanity

It's incredibly difficult to know what to do in a painful situation that involves a relationship with a loved one. One thing I do know is that the only person who will know what to do at any given moment is you. Until you know, you don't know.

I was involved with someone who was great in so many ways and not so great in other ways. I tried to mold myself into someone else and blamed myself for failing. That is insanity.

I stayed until one day I knew I didn't have to. I don't want to give the impression that this was a calm, centered realization! It was a day of tears and self-recrimination like so many others. It's just that I'd been praying for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out (the 11th step prayer). I'd prayed every day for months. I'd taken risks like calling my friends and going to meetings several times a week. I'd also begun to detach a little - not react to criticism or do what was demanded without anger or resentment - and to observe that it didn't stop the criticism or meanness.

Awareness came as I detached a little bit from my own angst and observed our dynamic. Acceptance followed when I started to ask myself if I could live forever with this person "as is," with no changes.

I came to accept that I had limitations, too. I could not change myself to suit another person. I also came to accept that I needed certain things in a relationship. It was insane for me to think I could just go "poof!" and make those needs go away. And it was insane for me to expect this person to meet those needs.

The day came when I understood and accepted that I was not going to meet my own needs by staying with this particular person. That was the day when I thanked God for my pain, because I finally realized itwas my pain and I could do something about it. One day, I simply knew God's will for me, and I had the power to carry it out. I knew what action to take! I didn't have to continue suffering. I could leave the relationship. And I did.

To use an analogy, I could leave the hardware store because it really didn't have the oranges I wanted and needed. I'd tried everything I knew how to do - oh, maybe that orange clamp is an orange! Oh, I know they've hidden one around here and I'll find it if I just dig more and stick around longer! It was amazing and wonderful to realize that I'd seen and done everything possible and really, there were no oranges. Really. I could leave.

Until you know, you don't know.

In any relationship, sanity is recognizing that I am always in the process of gathering information, of digging around the hardware store, of testing out different ways of behaving. Sometimes I am in a grocery store that's just laid out very differently from what I'm accustomed to and it takes some time to find the oranges. I'll find them better if I stay true to myself, in touch with my feelings, trusting my gut. And sometimes, the oranges just aren't there and won't be, ever. Today, I read the sign on the store and keep moving. I don't have to go into every store; I can keep looking until I find the grocery store or produce market - the places most likely to have the oranges I need and want.

I read signs all the time now. My feelings signal me constantly, giving me excellent information to guide me to healthy relationships in work, play, home, and love.

For example, if I feel criticized, there are two possible reasons: one, I am being criticized; and two, the criticism is touching a sensitive spot in me. Usually, both are true. My job is not to defend myselffrom the criticism, but to explore why it bothers me so much.

Over time, I've come to shy away from people who criticize me simply because I don't need that energy in my life. People who criticize are usually seeing something in me that they don't like in themselves (when one finger points at me, three are pointing back at the other person - and vice-versa, of course!). I now love and admire myself and want to remain in that spot. My psyche can be fragile and my disease is subtle. I have observed that if I surround myself with critical people, I become more critical of myself and others. If I surround myself with loving people, I become more loving of myself and others. I like how I feel when I'm loving, so that's the energy and behavior I seek in others.

Now I know.

about happiness

Stick this in your brain somewhere you can find it:
It takes time and effort to be happy.
Lots of time and plenty of effort.
And it costs something, too.
Usually the price is pain - emotional, mental, psychic.
It does not come easily.
It does come, though.

I held fast to some ideas,
still do, in fact.

If you can imagine yourself some way,
you can be that way. And actually
you will eventually be that way.
Really.

Hope exists in the sure knowledge
that this situation, this reality will change.
It truly will not remain
the same.

I am not the center of the universe
nor do I control my reality. I am surrounded
by independent actors, all
of whom can delight me, surprise me, disappoint me,
hurt me, affect
my course in life presenting me with opportunities.
Opportunities for
there are no mistakes, only
opportunities to learn.

If I could be how and where I want
to be, I would. Since I am not there, I am unable
to be, obviously. I am where
I am supposed to be.
Really.

Langston Hughes wrote: Hold fast to dreams,
for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged butterfly
unable to fly.

I dream.

about life's teachers

I always thought my teachers in life would be loving and generous. "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I thought I'd have gurus at whose feet I could sit, soaking up wisdom and knowledge of the universe, becoming enlightened myself.

After enough rough times, however, I realized that my teachers didn't wear flowing orange or white robes and sit in the lotus position. My teachers were bad relationships, difficult work environments, painful childhood experiences, awful family holidays, needy or mean or superficial friends, and disappointments galore. These were the forges for tempering my extremes, taming my expectations, learning my limitations, and establishing my boundaries. When I didn't fit, I got to see where it had gone awry. Why had I picked that person, or job, or friend? Why did I stay so long in such pain, dissatisfaction, discomfort? What prevented me from accepting life on life's terms? How did I get in my own way, preventing myself from having what I wanted and loving what I had?

"May the road rise up to meet you" came to mean that when I was ready to face something about myself - some fear or unrealistic expectation - all of a sudden I'd be in situation after situation where I had the chance to act out and experience my dysfunttion over and over again until I was good and ready to change.

I found I needed some non-judgmental way to characterize my learning process. It was not helpful for me to berate myself for being stupid or "sick" when I kept returning to painful situations and people. I was victimizing myself far more than anyone else victimized me. So I learned to call my learning and change process "information-gathering." I needed to have enough information to make a decision, a change, an accommodation, a shift in attitude or behavior. I could only get such information by returning to the "scene of the crime" - the situation or person with which I engaged so negatively. I had to prove to myself that I had tried everything to rectify the situation and so give myself permission to act or leave or change. Above all, I needed to observe my own behavior time and again until I fully realized that it was I who was responsible for my situation either by remaining overlong or by attempting fruitlessly to change others.

It took me quite a long time to spot patterns, to recognize early on the signs of an infelicitous situation or liaison and so avoid engagement and consequent pain. I learned that guilt is what I feel when I'm doing what I want to do rather than someone else's wishes of me. Guilt is a sign that I am on my own path and surrounded by people who don't want me to succeed on it. I learned that any time I say "I should" do anything, I am embarking on the path to future resentment and martyrdom. If I do anything, let me choose to do it freely with no future recriminations of self or others. I learned that I am honorable, well-intentioned and generally well-behaved. Confident in my own character, I have no cause for guilt, regret or admonition from myself and no reason to expect, allow or accept it from others.

about making change

Changing oneself is an incredible challenge. And that may be the issue. It seems like such an incredible challenge, like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. So break it down. Make it smaller. Take one step at a time. Begin at the beginning, not even having the end in mind. Who knows what the end is anyway? We can have a sense, a vision, a general direction of where we want to end up. But our journey will shape the ending. An amorphous goal becomes solid, real, tangible by the end. The information I gather along my journey helps me clarify and zero in on the goal. And the journey itself helps me incorporate information, assess it, pay attention to my visceral reactions and responses to situations and opportunities (very different things, reactions and responses), heed my emotional signals, and shift course ever so slightly to get to the end that is my "right fit.

"God Grant me the Serenity to accept the ones I cannot change, Courage to change the one I can, and the Wisdom to know that one is me."