Thursday, May 22, 2008

about dating

I subscribe to all sorts of things including an astrological guide from Bethea Jenner ( myhealthwealthandhappiness.com). Usually, I simply skim the forecasts as I find:

a) they are too general to do me any specific good, and
b) most of the advice directs me to live my life according to principles I already use as much as possible

Basically, the forecasts good reminders for me to continue to use these tools, and that I am on the right path in life.

However, her letters often contain interesting stories and lessons. This one particularly resonated, as I am preparing to embark on the "dating path" once again.

Dear Julia,

This week I decided to share a story involving today's changing dating etiquette, as I think it brings up some information that many of us could benefit from. A few months back, one of my clients came to me for advice regarding a man she had met through an Internet dating service. They had been communicating for a while and had decided to meet in person. My client was a little concerned about the best and safest way to do that.

It can be a daunting step to meet a potential suitor in person when your sole communication has been via the telephone or computer. This type of scenario seems more and more common in the dating world and, as a result, Julia, I think it is wise to take some basic practical and protective measures in such situations. I shared them with my client and now I would like to share with you.

First, do not get into a car with someone you've only had interaction with over the Internet and/or telephone, and do not tell that person where you live. It is a much better idea to schedule an initial face-to-face meeting in a very public place. I also recommend informing a friend or family member about the details of this first meeting, such as where you are going and what time you expect to return. Try to keep a clear head by not indulging in alcohol, and pay your half of any bill incurred for meals or the cinema, etc. Last but not least, follow your instinct and gut feelings in such situations, regardless of how nice a person may seem outwardly.

My client later told me how grateful she was for my advice. She felt better just having practical information to follow. Apparently, her planned date didn't work out. However, she followed these same guidelines with other potential dating suitors and did meet a gentleman who turned out to be someone she connected with and felt good about. The last time I spoke with her, she reported that they had been "real-life" dating for two months and that it was going well.

Julia, this dating advice is good for both males and females. The Internet is a great place to meet a variety of people, but common sense and a few protective measures can make for a better meeting and help avoid a negative or dangerous situation. I hope that you will find this information useful and will share it with others who do use the Internet as a social network.

Now, please take some time out to look over your Health, Wealth and Happiness Report to see what the week holds for you.

Until next week,
Bethea


I like the practical nature of her story and advice. It goes along with my growing awareness that my dating will be more successful the more I trust myself. By success, I mean that I will be able to quickly sniff out the losers (my weakness) and move on, and that I will be able to identify someone with whom I could develop a lasting, loving relationship.

Recently, I became aware that I hide my vulnerability from many people. I'll talk about issues when I feel sufficiently strong to withstand criticism or an unexpectedly negative or harsh response to my expressing a feeling. Especially I protect with great passion my anger and sadness.

It's extremely rare for me to lose my temper in front of anyone. I can count the times on one hand that I've felt anger in the moment and expressed it right then and there. My sister is the only one who's seen it - in actuality, she is the only one who generates that kind of response in me. With other folks, I withdraw and process it, then present it nicely packaged and controlled as a "feeling I am still working through."

The same goes for sadness and grief. I cry alone, only rarely calling someone in the middle of my tears. It takes me a while to realize that I can call someone, that I don't have to be alone with my pain. And then I spend a good amount of time mentally reviewing the list of people I could possibly call, rejecting most as not giving me the kind of sympathetic response I want and need. Eventually, I might happen on someone who I think will "be nice to me" and also available. Then I call and may be relieved if I get their answering machine. I can count on two hands the number of times in my adult life I have persisted in order to talk to someone. That's 27 years we're talking!

A successful love relationship will involve my willingness to express these feelings in the moment and trust that the other person will be there with kindness, love, support, patience, acceptance - eventually at least. My sadness needs immediate kindness. My anger needs someone to really listen and hear me. Because my anger generally is about someone willfully and persistently misinterpreting me or being unkind/cruel to someone I love.

The question for me is can I be there for myself when I don't get the response I crave? At Train the Trainer, I abandoned myself in some way when I surrendered my power to that woman who was interrupting and criticizing my presentation. My tears were about being hurt and misunderstood and betrayed. And they were also about my caring so much about what the other people thought. I was unable to say "she's messed up, and I know I'm doing a good job, and I don't need her approval, just move on." That is being there for myself.

Thinking further on this, let me be kinder to myself. I did recover relatively quickly, and I did show my vulnerability in public, so there are points for me. I suppose I can take from that experience the realization that the point is not to NOT feel the feelings, NOT express the feelings. The point is what do I do with them, how do I care for myself when I get hurt - because I will continue to be hurt as long as I'm alive, like it or not. I don't like it and I guess I'm starting to tell myself the truth that it doesn't matter if I like it, I can accept it, and give myself a pat on the back for using all the tools I know to process the feeling in the moment.

As I learn to trust myself to take care of myself, I become more able to be in an intimate love relationship.

That's the goal anyway. More shall be revealed!

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

about a friend's relationship insanity

It's incredibly difficult to know what to do in a painful situation that involves a relationship with a loved one. One thing I do know is that the only person who will know what to do at any given moment is you. Until you know, you don't know.

I was involved with someone who was great in so many ways and not so great in other ways. I tried to mold myself into someone else and blamed myself for failing. That is insanity.

I stayed until one day I knew I didn't have to. I don't want to give the impression that this was a calm, centered realization! It was a day of tears and self-recrimination like so many others. It's just that I'd been praying for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out (the 11th step prayer). I'd prayed every day for months. I'd taken risks like calling my friends and going to meetings several times a week. I'd also begun to detach a little - not react to criticism or do what was demanded without anger or resentment - and to observe that it didn't stop the criticism or meanness.

Awareness came as I detached a little bit from my own angst and observed our dynamic. Acceptance followed when I started to ask myself if I could live forever with this person "as is," with no changes.

I came to accept that I had limitations, too. I could not change myself to suit another person. I also came to accept that I needed certain things in a relationship. It was insane for me to think I could just go "poof!" and make those needs go away. And it was insane for me to expect this person to meet those needs.

The day came when I understood and accepted that I was not going to meet my own needs by staying with this particular person. That was the day when I thanked God for my pain, because I finally realized itwas my pain and I could do something about it. One day, I simply knew God's will for me, and I had the power to carry it out. I knew what action to take! I didn't have to continue suffering. I could leave the relationship. And I did.

To use an analogy, I could leave the hardware store because it really didn't have the oranges I wanted and needed. I'd tried everything I knew how to do - oh, maybe that orange clamp is an orange! Oh, I know they've hidden one around here and I'll find it if I just dig more and stick around longer! It was amazing and wonderful to realize that I'd seen and done everything possible and really, there were no oranges. Really. I could leave.

Until you know, you don't know.

In any relationship, sanity is recognizing that I am always in the process of gathering information, of digging around the hardware store, of testing out different ways of behaving. Sometimes I am in a grocery store that's just laid out very differently from what I'm accustomed to and it takes some time to find the oranges. I'll find them better if I stay true to myself, in touch with my feelings, trusting my gut. And sometimes, the oranges just aren't there and won't be, ever. Today, I read the sign on the store and keep moving. I don't have to go into every store; I can keep looking until I find the grocery store or produce market - the places most likely to have the oranges I need and want.

I read signs all the time now. My feelings signal me constantly, giving me excellent information to guide me to healthy relationships in work, play, home, and love.

For example, if I feel criticized, there are two possible reasons: one, I am being criticized; and two, the criticism is touching a sensitive spot in me. Usually, both are true. My job is not to defend myselffrom the criticism, but to explore why it bothers me so much.

Over time, I've come to shy away from people who criticize me simply because I don't need that energy in my life. People who criticize are usually seeing something in me that they don't like in themselves (when one finger points at me, three are pointing back at the other person - and vice-versa, of course!). I now love and admire myself and want to remain in that spot. My psyche can be fragile and my disease is subtle. I have observed that if I surround myself with critical people, I become more critical of myself and others. If I surround myself with loving people, I become more loving of myself and others. I like how I feel when I'm loving, so that's the energy and behavior I seek in others.

Now I know.

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