about dating

I subscribe to all sorts of things including an astrological guide from Bethea Jenner ( myhealthwealthandhappiness.com). Usually, I simply skim the forecasts as I find:

a) they are too general to do me any specific good, and
b) most of the advice directs me to live my life according to principles I already use as much as possible

Basically, the forecasts good reminders for me to continue to use these tools, and that I am on the right path in life.

However, her letters often contain interesting stories and lessons. This one particularly resonated, as I am preparing to embark on the "dating path" once again.

Dear Julia,

This week I decided to share a story involving today's changing dating etiquette, as I think it brings up some information that many of us could benefit from. A few months back, one of my clients came to me for advice regarding a man she had met through an Internet dating service. They had been communicating for a while and had decided to meet in person. My client was a little concerned about the best and safest way to do that.

It can be a daunting step to meet a potential suitor in person when your sole communication has been via the telephone or computer. This type of scenario seems more and more common in the dating world and, as a result, Julia, I think it is wise to take some basic practical and protective measures in such situations. I shared them with my client and now I would like to share with you.

First, do not get into a car with someone you've only had interaction with over the Internet and/or telephone, and do not tell that person where you live. It is a much better idea to schedule an initial face-to-face meeting in a very public place. I also recommend informing a friend or family member about the details of this first meeting, such as where you are going and what time you expect to return. Try to keep a clear head by not indulging in alcohol, and pay your half of any bill incurred for meals or the cinema, etc. Last but not least, follow your instinct and gut feelings in such situations, regardless of how nice a person may seem outwardly.

My client later told me how grateful she was for my advice. She felt better just having practical information to follow. Apparently, her planned date didn't work out. However, she followed these same guidelines with other potential dating suitors and did meet a gentleman who turned out to be someone she connected with and felt good about. The last time I spoke with her, she reported that they had been "real-life" dating for two months and that it was going well.

Julia, this dating advice is good for both males and females. The Internet is a great place to meet a variety of people, but common sense and a few protective measures can make for a better meeting and help avoid a negative or dangerous situation. I hope that you will find this information useful and will share it with others who do use the Internet as a social network.

Now, please take some time out to look over your Health, Wealth and Happiness Report to see what the week holds for you.

Until next week,
Bethea

I like the practical nature of her story and advice. It goes along with my growing awareness that my dating will be more successful the more I trust myself. By success, I mean that I will be able to quickly sniff out the losers (my weakness) and move on, and that I will be able to identify someone with whom I could develop a lasting, loving relationship.

Recently, I became aware that I hide my vulnerability from many people. I'll talk about issues when I feel sufficiently strong to withstand criticism or an unexpectedly negative or harsh response to my expressing a feeling. Especially I protect with great passion my anger and sadness.

It's extremely rare for me to lose my temper in front of anyone. I can count the times on one hand that I've felt anger in the moment and expressed it right then and there. My sister is the only one who's seen it - in actuality, she is the only one who generates that kind of response in me. With other folks, I withdraw and process it, then present it nicely packaged and controlled as a "feeling I am still working through."

The same goes for sadness and grief. I cry alone, only rarely calling someone in the middle of my tears. It takes me a while to realize that I can call someone, that I don't have to be alone with my pain. And then I spend a good amount of time mentally reviewing the list of people I could possibly call, rejecting most as not giving me the kind of sympathetic response I want and need. Eventually, I might happen on someone who I think will "be nice to me" and also available. Then I call and may be relieved if I get their answering machine. I can count on two hands the number of times in my adult life I have persisted in order to talk to someone. That's 27 years we're talking!

A successful love relationship will involve my willingness to express these feelings in the moment and trust that the other person will be there with kindness, love, support, patience, acceptance - eventually at least. My sadness needs immediate kindness. My anger needs someone to really listen and hear me. Because my anger generally is about someone willfully and persistently misinterpreting me or being unkind/cruel to someone I love.

The question for me is can I be there for myself when I don't get the response I crave? At Train the Trainer, I abandoned myself in some way when I surrendered my power to that woman who was interrupting and criticizing my presentation. My tears were about being hurt and misunderstood and betrayed. And they were also about my caring so much about what the other people thought. I was unable to say "she's messed up, and I know I'm doing a good job, and I don't need her approval, just move on." That is being there for myself.

Thinking further on this, let me be kinder to myself. I did recover relatively quickly, and I did show my vulnerability in public, so there are points for me. I suppose I can take from that experience the realization that the point is not to NOT feel the feelings, NOT express the feelings. The point is what do I do with them, how do I care for myself when I get hurt - because I will continue to be hurt as long as I'm alive, like it or not. I don't like it and I guess I'm starting to tell myself the truth that it doesn't matter if I like it, I can accept it, and give myself a pat on the back for using all the tools I know to process the feeling in the moment.

As I learn to trust myself to take care of myself, I become more able to be in an intimate love relationship.

That's the goal anyway. More shall be revealed!