about struggling to understand each other
Once I participated in a group of white women who discussed our own internalized racism. Our intention was to continue indefinitely. We barely made it through the first meeting. The conversation was so charged, we simply could not sustain it. The level of conflict was so high, we could not work our way through it.
Being at once a political theorist and pragmatist, I wondered what happened and why. All I've been able to come up with was that the topic made each of us feel too vulnerable. And being vulnerable and afraid of being judged - while judging ourselves quite harshly already - we were more apt to feel criticized and judged. At least, that's what I experienced as did a good friend. Now, she and I were able to work our way through some of the feelings and conflict and misunderstanding in our dyad based on friendship and trust. And I came to some realizations about how hard it is to be free of perceptions and attitudes I gained through osmosis, through skin color privilege, through socio-economic privilege. Hard AND possible. And necessary in order to forge connections and grow.
In the larger group of six women, there was no foundation of trust. And we didn't spend enough time developing that foundation. We leapt right into the topic, and it was too sudden, too extreme, too frightening. We didn't even know what we wanted as an outcome - expiation of guilt? Expanded consciousness? Changed attitudes? And so there was no direction in which we were headed, leaving me at least feeling unsure of the terrain and terrified of making a mistake. It was as though I had two alternatives: beat on myself and allow others to do so, too; or feel self-righteously superior to those women who were REALLY racist. From the way the discussion went, it seemed that others felt only those two options, as well.
Small wonder we could barely talk to each other afterwards. It was a pretty brutal experience. I remember telling a story about my own internalized racism, and having another woman lace into me about how insensitive and horrible I was. I didn't know her very well and I was in my mid-20's so still pretty unversed in how to defuse conflict and deflect unwarranted attack. So I attacked back, and things went from bad to worse, both of us in tears and the group split into factions. It was kind of a metaphor for the larger society. I wish I had had the emotional and intellectual wherewithal and tools to ask her why she was attacking me, when all I was trying to do was expose an illness to the air in order to exorcise it. That was my intention anyway. But it was unspoken. I wish I had spoken my intention, and had asked others to state theirs. Let us establish a common ground first and then think through how to talk about this very sensitive topic.
Well, I learned a lot from that experience. One thing I learned is have the conversation with people I trust. And then I learned how important it is to just stay with the conversation, just continue trying to make myself clear, continue being as open and generous as I can, and acknowledge other people's viewpoints even as I am trying to get them to acknowledge mine. If the topic is important enough, it's worth the struggle. And I do sometimes need to go off from the fray to rest, think, recuperate, take my mind off it ("don't think and go to movies" is one of my favorite twisted 12-step slogans). Then when I return, I may have a new perspective, or maybe the other person will have shifted his/her perspective.
I tell this story because I think that the emergence of a new global consciousness will take place first in small groups, in localities, between intimates and among groups of people who are willing to trust in the process and share a vision of the outcome. And that will take hard work on our part. It's not easy to change our ways, much as we may like and crave change. Are we willing to be different? To do something different to get a different result?
Being at once a political theorist and pragmatist, I wondered what happened and why. All I've been able to come up with was that the topic made each of us feel too vulnerable. And being vulnerable and afraid of being judged - while judging ourselves quite harshly already - we were more apt to feel criticized and judged. At least, that's what I experienced as did a good friend. Now, she and I were able to work our way through some of the feelings and conflict and misunderstanding in our dyad based on friendship and trust. And I came to some realizations about how hard it is to be free of perceptions and attitudes I gained through osmosis, through skin color privilege, through socio-economic privilege. Hard AND possible. And necessary in order to forge connections and grow.
In the larger group of six women, there was no foundation of trust. And we didn't spend enough time developing that foundation. We leapt right into the topic, and it was too sudden, too extreme, too frightening. We didn't even know what we wanted as an outcome - expiation of guilt? Expanded consciousness? Changed attitudes? And so there was no direction in which we were headed, leaving me at least feeling unsure of the terrain and terrified of making a mistake. It was as though I had two alternatives: beat on myself and allow others to do so, too; or feel self-righteously superior to those women who were REALLY racist. From the way the discussion went, it seemed that others felt only those two options, as well.
Small wonder we could barely talk to each other afterwards. It was a pretty brutal experience. I remember telling a story about my own internalized racism, and having another woman lace into me about how insensitive and horrible I was. I didn't know her very well and I was in my mid-20's so still pretty unversed in how to defuse conflict and deflect unwarranted attack. So I attacked back, and things went from bad to worse, both of us in tears and the group split into factions. It was kind of a metaphor for the larger society. I wish I had had the emotional and intellectual wherewithal and tools to ask her why she was attacking me, when all I was trying to do was expose an illness to the air in order to exorcise it. That was my intention anyway. But it was unspoken. I wish I had spoken my intention, and had asked others to state theirs. Let us establish a common ground first and then think through how to talk about this very sensitive topic.
Well, I learned a lot from that experience. One thing I learned is have the conversation with people I trust. And then I learned how important it is to just stay with the conversation, just continue trying to make myself clear, continue being as open and generous as I can, and acknowledge other people's viewpoints even as I am trying to get them to acknowledge mine. If the topic is important enough, it's worth the struggle. And I do sometimes need to go off from the fray to rest, think, recuperate, take my mind off it ("don't think and go to movies" is one of my favorite twisted 12-step slogans). Then when I return, I may have a new perspective, or maybe the other person will have shifted his/her perspective.
I tell this story because I think that the emergence of a new global consciousness will take place first in small groups, in localities, between intimates and among groups of people who are willing to trust in the process and share a vision of the outcome. And that will take hard work on our part. It's not easy to change our ways, much as we may like and crave change. Are we willing to be different? To do something different to get a different result?
posted by julieannerickson at 12:19 PM
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