about telling the truth

I just read a wonderful piece that encouraged telling the truth about my eating/overeating. I especially liked this part:

The Higher Power leads us to truth by means
of the Twelve Steps and the program.
Abstinence from compulsive overeating is
necessary in order to stop feeding our
illusions and let the truth come through.
Knowing the truth sets us free.

It tells me that abstinence will allow me to see more clearly who I am, what I need, and what I am capable of. For me, choosing abstinence is taking a huge leap of faith - faith that whatever truth I learn about myself will be good news. I don't have to fear myself and my truth.

I may need to face some uncomfortable and possibly very sad truths about why I've been overeating for so many years. Yet with my HP and my support, I can face these truths with the sure knowledge that they won't destroy me. Instead, I will become stronger, more able to care for myself.

Eating felt like self-love for so long. Now I realize that it is not loving myself to overeat. I'm facing the truth about the health consequences of my weight - if I put myself at risk for diabetes or stroke because of my past eating habits, that is NOT self-love. I can't hide from that truth anymore.

So I begin by being willing to see the truth about my current health status - being honest with myself about it and open with the rest of you. HOW it works: honest, open and willing.

As I continue to eat in a healthy sane way, I get to uncover other truths about me - that I can love myself in healthy ways, that I can own my needs and get them met somehow - as long as I do accept those needs as valid and important. I'm getting an inkling that the eating was a way to deny my own needs, that they even existed. Having not gotten them validated or met, I got the idea that they were wrong and to be denied. Yet I have needs, especially for love! But somehow I made the equation that I could meet my need by filling up with food - instead of risking rejection by seeking love and acceptance from others.

Luckily, these realizations come a day at a time. I am uncovering my truth slowly. I am not being overwhelmed. That helps me trust the process of learning a healthy way of relating to food.

about this election

I'll admit it - I'm scared. I'm scared that Obama will lose. I'm scared that we will get McCain in the White House and Sarah Barracuda in Blair House. He represents the old ways of conflict seeking, and she represents some not-so-new ways of us/them politics.

I just re-read Anne Kilkenny's post about Sarah Palin on this site - because I needed to make sure it was realhttp://fairlyconservative.com/the-race-for-president/a-chat-with-anne-kilkenny-from-alaska. Snopes is too busy to let me see their findings but the google blurb says this:

snopes.com: Alaskans' Opinions on Sarah Palin
- 4:19pm
Aug 31, 2008 ... This letter was indeed written, as claimed, by Wasilla resident Anne Kilkenny, who explained her motivations for drafting it to a Daily ...
www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/sarahpalin.asp

Anyway, the scariest part of the letter is how Palin claimed to be the "first Christian" running for Mayor of Wasilla, despite knowing full well that the incumbent is a Protestant. She redefined Christian to mean "born-again Christian."

In my experience of most born-again Christians, that means she dismisses anyone who is not like her as being "damned" and not worthy of her care and attention. Also, if you think someone is damned because they don't believe as you do, then why should you listen to him or her? For that matter, why should you be nice to them? They're apostates at best and heretics at worst. Forget the idea of compassion and loving your neighbor as yourself...the values I was raised to think of as Christian.

How can we elect someone like her as Vice President? It would be like having our own home-grown Taliban. Yes, fundamentalism is fundamentalism, in my book.

Scary stuff. I think I'll pray that I have faith that everything is working out perfectly.

about the fog of the food lifting

I'm starting to see my life a little more clearly.

When I hit the scales at 240, I could no longer deny that my weight is excessive and my eating out of control. Since I have been tracking food and calories, I have lost about 7 pounds and that feels WONDERFUL!

More than that, I am starting to see how I have used food to get me through difficult life situations. I binged through jobs and relationships, being fired (twice), my 6 year old nephew dying, parents and friends moving, 9/11 - you name it. I didn't pick up alcohol or drugs or cigarettes (other addictions), which is fantastic. Now I'm ready to deal with this addiction.

I found myself saying to someone yesterday about someone else who is quite heavy that she won't know what she's hungry for until she stops eating compulsively. Of course, I was talking about myself. Perhaps I was afraid there would be nothing to feed me if I went without food...I'll get to see as long as I stick to my commitment to eat healthy food within my plan.

Years ago I was in OA and really grew to hate people's obsessions with food - how much, how often, what kind, how many calories, where. It seemed to me that they were trading one form of the obsession for another, and I wanted to be free of the obsession with food.

Today, I recognize that it's OK for me to focus on food, to have an eating plan and a calorie goal, to be a little obsessed with what I can eat. I do want to be free of the obsession and compulsivity. That's my goal; today, it's not my reality. I'm not free - YET. I do need to exercise constant vigilance in order to develop a new habit of eating and maintain it long enough to let go of the excess weight I no longer need. If that's obsession, so be it.

Along with vigilance, I am committed to having fun and bringing joy and energy to this journey. I've found that taking myself lightly helps me take care of myself. It's not a burden, it's a pleasure. And part of the pleasure is SparkPeople - so glad I found it.

TOP 5 REASONS OBAMA SUPPORTERS SHOULDN'T REST EASY

1. The polls may be wrong. This is an unprecedented election. No one knows how racism may affect what voters tell pollsters—or what they do in the voting booth. And the polls are narrowing anyway. In the last few days, John McCain has gained ground in most national polls, as his campaign has gone even more negative.

2. Dirty tricks. Republicans are already illegally purging voters from the rolls in some states. They're whipping up hysteria over ACORN to justify more challenges to new voters. Misleading flyers about the voting process have started appearing in black neighborhoods. And of course, many counties still use unsecure voting machines.

3. October surprise. In politics, 15 days is a long time. The next McCain smear could dominate the news for a week. There could be a crisis with Iran, or Bin Laden could release another tape, or worse.

4. Those who forget history... In 2000, Al Gore won the popular vote after trailing by seven points in the final days of the race. In 1980, Reagan was eight points down in the polls in late October and came back to win. Races can shift—fast!

5. Landslide. Even with Barack Obama in the White House, passing universal health care and a new clean-energy policy is going to be hard. Insurance, drug and oil companies will fight us every step of the way. We need the kind of landslide that will give Barack a huge mandate.

about my relationship with food

For the past three weeks, I've been using the site SparkPeople.com , tracking my food intake. It calculates my calories. While I am eating more than the calories required to lose weight, I am not overeating or binging.

As a result, I am becoming more aware of the emptiness I want to fill. That's interesting and a little scary. I'm working to replace "scared" with "excited" and "interested" - like I'm a science project and I get to observe myself to see what's really going on inside me.

So far in my life, I've had amazingly horrible and stressful things happen - my 6 year old nephew dying of cancer, being fired twice and having one be in the newspaper, becoming physically disabled, etc. And I've binged through them.

During all of these tragedies, I didn't pick up a drink (I've accepted my powerlessness over alcohol), which is great. Yet until now I haven't accepted my powerlessness over food. It's a tough one, and so far I'm doing well.

More shall be revealed!

about weight

I don't know how many hundreds of pounds I've lost and found again. So this time, I am approaching it differently. I'm releasing the weight I no longer need. Letting it go. Bye-bye! Not necessary any more.

I'm getting some great support through SparkPeople.com (free, with great information, and allows me to track my food and get inspired by others), and a couple of on-line Yahoo OA groups. Plus people have sent me to www.greysheet.org and www.foodaddicts.org. Both look very helpful and interesting, with f2f meetings.

It amazes me how when I reach out with my experience and concerns, people reach back to help. When I am open to help, it comes my way. It reminds me that honestly sharing my path brings so much abundance into my life.

about motivation

More and more, I realize that motivation is a moment-by-moment activity and feeling. Sometimes I can go a few hours and be OK with sticking to my plan. Other times, it is literally minute by minute.

Even more, I realize that making smart choices is difficult when I have things in the house that are too caloric (e.g. the Halloween candy...). Thankfully, I have stocked the house with less caloric items so I can make the smarter choice.

Last night, I forwent the Reese's and ate the South Beach diet bar. I congratulated myself! Would I like to stop the evening eating? Sure. And I will. Step by step, I am reaching my goals.

about reaching goals

It's been two weeks since I started with SparkPeople.com, and already I feel a sense of accomplishment.

Yes, I've lost some weight, and that feels fantastic! Seeing results is a wonderful motivator. The weight loss is a great result from the effort I've put in - effort in meeting goals I set for myself.

So I really want to celebrate both the weight loss and the fact that I'm following through with my intentions. I am keeping my promise to myself! HOORAY FOR ME!!

It feels safer to celebrate keeping my commitment to myself. That REALLY feels good. For so many years, I've celebrated lost pounds only to find myself becoming complacent. Then I eat more and more, with the result that I weigh more than before. And I'm shocked because I didn't think I ate that much, or that the food contained so many calories. It was a combination of denial and ignorance.

That's why I am reluctant to celebrate letting go of some of my extra weight. (I now officially celebrate my use of the term "letting go" of weight - yay for me!! It is a very freeing phrase for me.) The result is not as important as the way I am operating this time. This time, I'm tracking calories and getting a major education in how what I eat really DOES matter. I'm changing HOW I eat, the process by which I release extra weight that no longer serves me, and gaining badly needed information.

Usually, I am unable to achieve my goals because I don't quite know how to get there. I lack key information, as well as willingness and clear-sightedness about my actual situation. SparkPeople is giving me the information I need.

Now I'll celebrate that I use the site just about every day (skipped one). That kind of consistency indicates to me that I am now completely willing to be accountable to myself and for my choices.

Celebration is vital for me to be willing to continue in anything. I need to feel some sense of accomplishment, some progress, or I will become unmotivated. So I celebrate the small steps, because they are the building blocks for reaching the larger goal.

Each big goal is made up of a ton of little ones. By reaching the little ones, I am closer to reaching the big one.

For example:

* By sticking to a calorie plan each day - one goal - I'm putting together the building blocks for letting go of one pound. And each pound released brings me closer to my goal of living at a healthy weight.

* Each day I stick to my calorie plan, I gain more experience in healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle. That experience helps me get closer to my goal of consistently living a healthy life.

So "YAY FOR ME!!!"

How do you celebrate YOUR wins?

about political leanings

This week's Scientific American e-letter contains the article "Political Science: What Being Neat or Messy Says about Political Leanings" and asks the question: Do genes determine whether you'll be liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican?

The most fascinating paragraph for me is this:

Positive personality traits associated with liberalism (self-reliant, resilient, dominating and energetic) and negative ones attributed to conservatism (easily victimized or offended, indecisive, fearful and rigid) appear as young as nursery school–age kids—and correlate with those children's political beliefs in adulthood, according to a 20-year study published in 2006 in the Journal of Research in Personality. More recently, scientists linked the strength of a person's startle response to their political leanings: conservatives tended to scare easier, blinking harder than liberals when they heard a loud noise.

Are there any positive traits associated with conservatism, and negative ones associated with liberalism? I mean, it looks so much better to be a liberal. In fact, most of the liberal traits are those so often advocated by conservatives when arguing with us liberals about what (if any) social programs are needed to help poor, disadvantaged people. For example, I read "self-reliant" as "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!" and "dominating" as "we need a strong military."

Interesting that conservatives are "easily victimized or offended" in pre-school. We see that in Sarah Palin and John McCain's blaming the "liberal media elite" for "manipulating" how Palin appeared on CBS and ABC interviews. As if her answers didn't speak for themselves! She is to all appearances an idiot. Maybe an idiot-savant, in the sense that she excels at performance. (The pageant training paid off!)

If these are indeed the traits of conservatives, I'm not surprised that McCain and gang are using typical bully tactics against Obama. The victim does often become the victimizer, as we know. The bullies I know are so mean when trying to get their way, and then dissolve into tears and "I'll tell my Mommy!" when they are challenged by someone stronger. It's all there in pre-school!

Is there hope for conservatives? Can we help them grow up and accept reality, rather than wishing it were different? Will they ever see that life is messy and constantly changing, and the key to happiness is to go with it?