about triggers for bad behavior
A huge trigger for me is being too tired.
I've been tired and busy for the past month, accomplishing quite a bit (finished my MBA on line!). And I've had the chance to see how tiredness really is a key trigger for the less pleasant manifestations of my personality. Fortunately, these are opportunities for me to work my program and practice restraint of tongue and pen - especially tongue. And to breathe. A lot.
I've had a lot of success in avoiding pointless conflict by remembering that other people are doing the best they can, and asking questions to uncover what people mean by what they say or do instead of jumping to conclusions based on my exhaustion-fed immediate reaction. Taking my time, pausing, breathing, asking a question and listening to the answer- these tools have enabled me to respond instead of reacting, and even to choose NOT to respond, when appropriate.
When I am physically tired, I get irritable and unreasonable. Recovery is that I know it. So I notice my irritation with someone else or my thinking that other people are idiots. And I realize I am tired.
The awareness helps me take preventive action, in the moment and afterward. In the moment, I breathe, wait a few beats to consider what I want tosay - or even if I want to say it - and then speak in a calm way. I work hard to keep the irritation from showing in my tone of voice.
Speaking of tone of voice, that is another trigger. My tone of voice certainly can trigger someone else's anger or irritability or pain. Just as another person's tone of voice can trigger my hurt feelings or anger or pain or short-temperedness. My mother used to say to me "don't speak to me in that tone of voice, young lady!" Of course, I claimed not to know what she meant. And to some extent, I was unaware of how my attitude crept into my tone. However, my mother could tell that I felt contempt for her simply through my tone. And she was correct.
My own tone of voice is a trigger for my own feelings, too. If I want to change my attitude, I change how I say things. I can calm myself down by adopting a calm tone of voice. I can get a bit more patient byusing a measured, loving tone of voice. Conversely, when I succumb tosneering, I feel more contemptuous of those "less intelligent and capable than I am" and wind up hurting other people's feelingsunnecessarily, feeling guilty and having to make amends. Far better to just nip that impulse in the bud - through modifying my tone of voice.
"Acting as if" is a wonderful tool for halting my tendency to behave badly. There's a great saying - "I can't think my way into right action, I can only act my way into right thinking." If I eat something, get enough rest, and connect with other people - right actions - I have much better chance of thinking and behaving reasonably.
It's just like the saying that I can cheer myself up by smiling. The very act of smiling makes me feel happier. As Abe Lincoln reputedly said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
It's difficult to make the decision to be happy, and even more difficult to comprehend that it really IS a decision. Just as I no longer see myself as a victim of people, fate, circumstance and bad luck, I no longer think that happiness is elusive and possible only for others. I realize that happiness isn't something that just happens to me; I can seek it and embrace it.
Realizing this frees me from the tyranny of my reactions, and gives me power to resist the triggers for bad behavior. I have a choice today, a decision to make. I am able to choose to behave as I want to behave, in ways that are consonant with my core personal values of compassion, integrity, kindness, humor, patience, and love. That makes me happy. At last.
I've been tired and busy for the past month, accomplishing quite a bit (finished my MBA on line!). And I've had the chance to see how tiredness really is a key trigger for the less pleasant manifestations of my personality. Fortunately, these are opportunities for me to work my program and practice restraint of tongue and pen - especially tongue. And to breathe. A lot.
I've had a lot of success in avoiding pointless conflict by remembering that other people are doing the best they can, and asking questions to uncover what people mean by what they say or do instead of jumping to conclusions based on my exhaustion-fed immediate reaction. Taking my time, pausing, breathing, asking a question and listening to the answer- these tools have enabled me to respond instead of reacting, and even to choose NOT to respond, when appropriate.
When I am physically tired, I get irritable and unreasonable. Recovery is that I know it. So I notice my irritation with someone else or my thinking that other people are idiots. And I realize I am tired.
The awareness helps me take preventive action, in the moment and afterward. In the moment, I breathe, wait a few beats to consider what I want tosay - or even if I want to say it - and then speak in a calm way. I work hard to keep the irritation from showing in my tone of voice.
Speaking of tone of voice, that is another trigger. My tone of voice certainly can trigger someone else's anger or irritability or pain. Just as another person's tone of voice can trigger my hurt feelings or anger or pain or short-temperedness. My mother used to say to me "don't speak to me in that tone of voice, young lady!" Of course, I claimed not to know what she meant. And to some extent, I was unaware of how my attitude crept into my tone. However, my mother could tell that I felt contempt for her simply through my tone. And she was correct.
My own tone of voice is a trigger for my own feelings, too. If I want to change my attitude, I change how I say things. I can calm myself down by adopting a calm tone of voice. I can get a bit more patient byusing a measured, loving tone of voice. Conversely, when I succumb tosneering, I feel more contemptuous of those "less intelligent and capable than I am" and wind up hurting other people's feelingsunnecessarily, feeling guilty and having to make amends. Far better to just nip that impulse in the bud - through modifying my tone of voice.
"Acting as if" is a wonderful tool for halting my tendency to behave badly. There's a great saying - "I can't think my way into right action, I can only act my way into right thinking." If I eat something, get enough rest, and connect with other people - right actions - I have much better chance of thinking and behaving reasonably.
It's just like the saying that I can cheer myself up by smiling. The very act of smiling makes me feel happier. As Abe Lincoln reputedly said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
It's difficult to make the decision to be happy, and even more difficult to comprehend that it really IS a decision. Just as I no longer see myself as a victim of people, fate, circumstance and bad luck, I no longer think that happiness is elusive and possible only for others. I realize that happiness isn't something that just happens to me; I can seek it and embrace it.
Realizing this frees me from the tyranny of my reactions, and gives me power to resist the triggers for bad behavior. I have a choice today, a decision to make. I am able to choose to behave as I want to behave, in ways that are consonant with my core personal values of compassion, integrity, kindness, humor, patience, and love. That makes me happy. At last.
posted by julieannerickson at 10:10 PM
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