about keeping the focus on myself
This slogan is the heart of my path to spiritual peace. It sums up the wisest approach to healing by suggesting that I keep my focus on my own path, my own feelings, my own recovery - instead of focusing on the people and problems in my life.
When I first began working on becoming happy, I learned that the condition of the Al-Anonic was just like that of the alcoholic. We too suffer from the family disease of alcoholism. The difference? While the alcoholic has his/her arms around the bottle, we have our arms around the alcoholic. The A can't see anything but the bottle, and we can't see anything but the alcoholic. The A focuses on alcohol, we focus on the alcoholic. The A's life is defined by alcohol, our lives are defined by the A.
I kept track of how much my loved ones drank, counting drinks and bottles. I carefully watched my tongue and my step around my primary qualifier when she had a few, so I wouldn't be in any danger from her unpredictable temper. I edited everything I said around her for fear I would be criticized. I tried so hard to protect myself that I began to disappear. I got so used to hiding my own opinions, it was almost impossible for me to know what I thought about anything. I found myself incapable of spontaneity. It was hard to make friends because I couldn't be myself. I found myself with friends who were very needy, critical, demanding, mean, charming, manipulative, alcoholic. People who had little ability to give me anything I needed.
While I was frustrated and angry almost all the time, I also was comfortable. This was what I knew. I knew very well how to focus on someone else's needs, moods, preferences, behavior. I criticized and complained about these friends, just as I did about my qualifier. And I felt they were legitimate complaints. I "knew" that if they would only begin to see me, pay attention to me, stop criticizing me, etc. then my life would be better. If they would only "do unto me" as I had been doing unto them, everything wold be good. See, I am so good to you, can't you follow my example and be good to me?
Just writing about this makes me queasy. It was such a miserable existence, focusing on how other people were responsible for me not getting what I needed in life. It took me a long time to realize that I was in fact the person responsible for the quality and conditions of my life. No one else. Just me.
More than that, I learned that I could change the conditions and quality of my life. With the help of the program, the fellowship, and my Higher Power, I could actually become fully myself and be surrounded by people who support and celebrate me as I am. I could have mutually loving and respectful friendships and relationships. And all I had to do was take the first step - admitting I am powerless over alcohol and other people - and use the slogan "keep the focus on myself."
This slogan gives me permission to start paying attention to myself and empowers me to begin my own recovery. By keeping the focus on myself, I began to understand my role in my unhappy life. I began to see that I made choices every day about whether to listen to my own feelings or ignore them, whether to react instantly or angrily to something my A did or said - or take some time to think and consider and then respond thoughtfully, whether to take on one more task along with a resentment or to carefully consider my time and energy level and respond yes or no to the request - and if I said yes, to do so with pleasure and willingness to do the best I can.
Keeping the focus on myself, I learned about my boundaries and began to see that I was the one who violated them by giving in to unreasonable requests or demands from other people. I started to recognize how I felt when I was being criticized by someone else, and to quickly detach from that person or situation or conversation -either physically or emotionally or both. And by keeping the focus on myself, I learned how to be good to myself - buying flowers once in a while, taking a hot bubble bath, having alone time, reading a book or watching a TV show without guilt, going to meetings, slowly making friends with people who saw ME and liked me, laughing and having fun.
As I write all this, I remember the concept of detachment. Detachment helps me remember that the other person's behavior and attitudes are not my business. My only real business is my own attitudes and behavior. And those I can learn about and begin to change when I keep the focus on myself.
When I first began working on becoming happy, I learned that the condition of the Al-Anonic was just like that of the alcoholic. We too suffer from the family disease of alcoholism. The difference? While the alcoholic has his/her arms around the bottle, we have our arms around the alcoholic. The A can't see anything but the bottle, and we can't see anything but the alcoholic. The A focuses on alcohol, we focus on the alcoholic. The A's life is defined by alcohol, our lives are defined by the A.
I kept track of how much my loved ones drank, counting drinks and bottles. I carefully watched my tongue and my step around my primary qualifier when she had a few, so I wouldn't be in any danger from her unpredictable temper. I edited everything I said around her for fear I would be criticized. I tried so hard to protect myself that I began to disappear. I got so used to hiding my own opinions, it was almost impossible for me to know what I thought about anything. I found myself incapable of spontaneity. It was hard to make friends because I couldn't be myself. I found myself with friends who were very needy, critical, demanding, mean, charming, manipulative, alcoholic. People who had little ability to give me anything I needed.
While I was frustrated and angry almost all the time, I also was comfortable. This was what I knew. I knew very well how to focus on someone else's needs, moods, preferences, behavior. I criticized and complained about these friends, just as I did about my qualifier. And I felt they were legitimate complaints. I "knew" that if they would only begin to see me, pay attention to me, stop criticizing me, etc. then my life would be better. If they would only "do unto me" as I had been doing unto them, everything wold be good. See, I am so good to you, can't you follow my example and be good to me?
Just writing about this makes me queasy. It was such a miserable existence, focusing on how other people were responsible for me not getting what I needed in life. It took me a long time to realize that I was in fact the person responsible for the quality and conditions of my life. No one else. Just me.
More than that, I learned that I could change the conditions and quality of my life. With the help of the program, the fellowship, and my Higher Power, I could actually become fully myself and be surrounded by people who support and celebrate me as I am. I could have mutually loving and respectful friendships and relationships. And all I had to do was take the first step - admitting I am powerless over alcohol and other people - and use the slogan "keep the focus on myself."
This slogan gives me permission to start paying attention to myself and empowers me to begin my own recovery. By keeping the focus on myself, I began to understand my role in my unhappy life. I began to see that I made choices every day about whether to listen to my own feelings or ignore them, whether to react instantly or angrily to something my A did or said - or take some time to think and consider and then respond thoughtfully, whether to take on one more task along with a resentment or to carefully consider my time and energy level and respond yes or no to the request - and if I said yes, to do so with pleasure and willingness to do the best I can.
Keeping the focus on myself, I learned about my boundaries and began to see that I was the one who violated them by giving in to unreasonable requests or demands from other people. I started to recognize how I felt when I was being criticized by someone else, and to quickly detach from that person or situation or conversation -either physically or emotionally or both. And by keeping the focus on myself, I learned how to be good to myself - buying flowers once in a while, taking a hot bubble bath, having alone time, reading a book or watching a TV show without guilt, going to meetings, slowly making friends with people who saw ME and liked me, laughing and having fun.
As I write all this, I remember the concept of detachment. Detachment helps me remember that the other person's behavior and attitudes are not my business. My only real business is my own attitudes and behavior. And those I can learn about and begin to change when I keep the focus on myself.
posted by julieannerickson at 10:22 AM
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