about rejection
You know that saying "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you?" I feel the same way about fear of rejection. Just because I fear it doesn't mean I won't be rejected.
And in fact I have been rejected many a time - by lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, and yes, my siblings and my parents. What's different is how I respond to being rejected.
I use the word "respond" because I've learned that I don't have to react, I can respond. "Responding" means taking my time to consider how I feel, do a reality check to make sure what I think happened has happened, and then decide what I need and/or want to do - if anything.
The reality check is important because I can get very carried away by my feelings and fall back into old patterns of behavior - such as allowing one rejection to color my entire world view. In reality, my life is made up of many different situations and areas. A rejection in one area doesn't negate acceptance and success in another.
Talking to someone else often helps me get some perspective, although I am able now to talk to myself to good effect. I'll catch myself saying to myself "I'm depressed" and then ask myself "what are you depressed about?"
Nine times out of ten, I have nothing really to be depressed about. It's just a habit I've gotten into, of feeling depressed when I haven't been in touch with a friend for a while, or someone isn't available to do something when I want to do it, or my latest class is frustrating.
Some of those things feel like rejection ("I don't fit in!" or "Why didn't she call ME?"). Yet I now realize they are just ordinary circumstances that happen in my life as well as everyone else's. What's not so ordinary is the import I place on them to define my mood.
Luckily, I have learned that I CAN do something about all of this. I can pick up the phone and call my friend. I can talk to a classmate about the work and also complain about it a bit to my sister or housemate (and usually in the complaining, I figure out the most frustrating bit and can move on with the work). I can make an alternate plan with my friend, or call someone else to see if they are available.
What I realize is that I have options, I have choices, I have some power to act. Action is what helps me deal with any real or imagined rejection. I'm not a victim. I'm not a child dependent on her mommy for validation and security. I have a higher power, I have myself, I have my friends, I have my program - all of which validate and comfort me when I need it.
I've had brutal rejections in the past, truly brutal. And I did not cope well with them. Since I defined myself in relation to other people, rejection was a complete rejection of me. I felt invisible, ineligible to even exist on the earth. I compounded external rejection by rejecting myself.
Program was key to my returning from a really dark place, to beginning to embrace myself as a worthy being defined by myself. I learned to go where it's warm, to go to the hardware store for nails instead of oranges, to recognize early warning signs that this person or situation was not going to be good for me, and to forgive myself when I missed the clues and cues.
More importantly, I allow myself to feel the anger and hurt when I really am rejected. It really does hurt. And it takes time to recover. It's an opportunity for me to be really kind to myself, to love me and accept me.
Today, fear of rejection tends to be a little worse than the reality of being rejected, simply because it's abstract and it's hard to act on an abstraction. Far easier to deal with reality. I'm a great problem-solver given a real-life problem. In the abstract, I can drive myself nuts. Luckily, I can usually remind myself not to project into the future, and to be here now.
Stay in the now and I am usually fine.
And in fact I have been rejected many a time - by lovers, friends, colleagues, bosses, and yes, my siblings and my parents. What's different is how I respond to being rejected.
I use the word "respond" because I've learned that I don't have to react, I can respond. "Responding" means taking my time to consider how I feel, do a reality check to make sure what I think happened has happened, and then decide what I need and/or want to do - if anything.
The reality check is important because I can get very carried away by my feelings and fall back into old patterns of behavior - such as allowing one rejection to color my entire world view. In reality, my life is made up of many different situations and areas. A rejection in one area doesn't negate acceptance and success in another.
Talking to someone else often helps me get some perspective, although I am able now to talk to myself to good effect. I'll catch myself saying to myself "I'm depressed" and then ask myself "what are you depressed about?"
Nine times out of ten, I have nothing really to be depressed about. It's just a habit I've gotten into, of feeling depressed when I haven't been in touch with a friend for a while, or someone isn't available to do something when I want to do it, or my latest class is frustrating.
Some of those things feel like rejection ("I don't fit in!" or "Why didn't she call ME?"). Yet I now realize they are just ordinary circumstances that happen in my life as well as everyone else's. What's not so ordinary is the import I place on them to define my mood.
Luckily, I have learned that I CAN do something about all of this. I can pick up the phone and call my friend. I can talk to a classmate about the work and also complain about it a bit to my sister or housemate (and usually in the complaining, I figure out the most frustrating bit and can move on with the work). I can make an alternate plan with my friend, or call someone else to see if they are available.
What I realize is that I have options, I have choices, I have some power to act. Action is what helps me deal with any real or imagined rejection. I'm not a victim. I'm not a child dependent on her mommy for validation and security. I have a higher power, I have myself, I have my friends, I have my program - all of which validate and comfort me when I need it.
I've had brutal rejections in the past, truly brutal. And I did not cope well with them. Since I defined myself in relation to other people, rejection was a complete rejection of me. I felt invisible, ineligible to even exist on the earth. I compounded external rejection by rejecting myself.
Program was key to my returning from a really dark place, to beginning to embrace myself as a worthy being defined by myself. I learned to go where it's warm, to go to the hardware store for nails instead of oranges, to recognize early warning signs that this person or situation was not going to be good for me, and to forgive myself when I missed the clues and cues.
More importantly, I allow myself to feel the anger and hurt when I really am rejected. It really does hurt. And it takes time to recover. It's an opportunity for me to be really kind to myself, to love me and accept me.
Today, fear of rejection tends to be a little worse than the reality of being rejected, simply because it's abstract and it's hard to act on an abstraction. Far easier to deal with reality. I'm a great problem-solver given a real-life problem. In the abstract, I can drive myself nuts. Luckily, I can usually remind myself not to project into the future, and to be here now.
Stay in the now and I am usually fine.
posted by julieannerickson at 8:07 PM
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