about fear and fulfillment
I am convinced that fear is the enemy of my achieving my highest good. Fear stops me in my tracks, makes me doubt my instincts, blinds me to possibilities.
In one of those strange paradoxes, I had no idea how fear limited me until I felt safer in my life. Only when I felt more self-love, only when I felt I was among people who understood and cared for me -even a little bit - was I able to observe the fear that virtually governed me.
I was afraid of making any mistakes and thus being hit or yelled at. I was afraid of being too smart, too successful and thus being accused of "being too big for my britches." I was afraid of loving, for fear of being betrayed and abandoned.
So I did very little, hid my talents, and became isolated from others. It was a profoundly dissatisfying way to live.
Fortunately, I arrived in a safe place: 12 Step programs. And I began to speak, in a louder voice. People began to respond to what I said, saying I helped them. That gave me more confidence, both to believe I had something of worth to say, and to believe that I was getting better.I started to get some perspective on my fear.
As one person wrote, I began to identify my fear - what it felt like, when it appeared, what it sounded like. I read tons of self-help books and went to hundreds of meetings and heard other people talk about how they dealt with their own fear.
One woman said "I just put my arm around it and say 'Fear, let's go!' and we go together to do what I want to do." That was amazing! I didn't have to deny my fear, nor did I have to deny myself doing what I wanted to do, needed to do, was inspired to do, felt good doing.
Someone else pointed out how much alike fear and excitement are. They both cause my pulse to race faster, my mind to go a little blank, and slow me down a bit. The difference is that when I'm excited I smile, and when I'm afraid I frown. So I started practicing thinking I was excited instead of afraid, and smiling instead of frowning. And I changed how I talked to myself: instead of "oh, this is scary! I can't do it! How can I do this?" I began to say "wow! I must be excited to do something new! Let me give it a try, see what happens. What's the worst that can happen?"
I got LOTS of help. Help in saying "I won't" instead of "I can't." In playing out "what's the worst that can happen?" and realizing that the end result is that I would die, and well, guess what? I eventually will die, but probably not as a result of taking a class or telling my mother "no." My FEELINGS may tell me that I will die if I focus on myself. The FACT is that I won't. In fact, I will come closer to being my true self.
Which brings me back to where I started. For me to be my best self, I needed to learn to put fear in its place - as a sign that I was going into unknown territory, and that I needed to have some faith - in myself, in my intuition, in my relationship with my higher power, and in my now unshakeable belief that whatever happens as a result of my loving actions is for my best.
I really needed to write this to remind myself of all this. Because I am now in a transition period, where fears are surfacing that I didn't even know existed! How wonderful it is that they are surfacing, because that means I am already far along in my transition and in changing my mind-set. I'm moving from the mind-set of scarcity into the mind-set of abundance, from emotional loss to abundant and enduring love.
I feel fear tugging at my hem trying to trip me up, and I can simply stop and say "well, take my hand, and we'll go together. You don't have to be afraid, because you're not alone. I'm with you and I'll take care of you. Everything will be just fine and lots of fun. And together we can handle anything that comes up. You'll see!" Just as I'd talk to my 5 year old niece, and as I wish someone had talked to me when I was little. Well, today I can talk to little Julie like that, and we'll see together what further joys this life has to offer.
In one of those strange paradoxes, I had no idea how fear limited me until I felt safer in my life. Only when I felt more self-love, only when I felt I was among people who understood and cared for me -even a little bit - was I able to observe the fear that virtually governed me.
I was afraid of making any mistakes and thus being hit or yelled at. I was afraid of being too smart, too successful and thus being accused of "being too big for my britches." I was afraid of loving, for fear of being betrayed and abandoned.
So I did very little, hid my talents, and became isolated from others. It was a profoundly dissatisfying way to live.
Fortunately, I arrived in a safe place: 12 Step programs. And I began to speak, in a louder voice. People began to respond to what I said, saying I helped them. That gave me more confidence, both to believe I had something of worth to say, and to believe that I was getting better.I started to get some perspective on my fear.
As one person wrote, I began to identify my fear - what it felt like, when it appeared, what it sounded like. I read tons of self-help books and went to hundreds of meetings and heard other people talk about how they dealt with their own fear.
One woman said "I just put my arm around it and say 'Fear, let's go!' and we go together to do what I want to do." That was amazing! I didn't have to deny my fear, nor did I have to deny myself doing what I wanted to do, needed to do, was inspired to do, felt good doing.
Someone else pointed out how much alike fear and excitement are. They both cause my pulse to race faster, my mind to go a little blank, and slow me down a bit. The difference is that when I'm excited I smile, and when I'm afraid I frown. So I started practicing thinking I was excited instead of afraid, and smiling instead of frowning. And I changed how I talked to myself: instead of "oh, this is scary! I can't do it! How can I do this?" I began to say "wow! I must be excited to do something new! Let me give it a try, see what happens. What's the worst that can happen?"
I got LOTS of help. Help in saying "I won't" instead of "I can't." In playing out "what's the worst that can happen?" and realizing that the end result is that I would die, and well, guess what? I eventually will die, but probably not as a result of taking a class or telling my mother "no." My FEELINGS may tell me that I will die if I focus on myself. The FACT is that I won't. In fact, I will come closer to being my true self.
Which brings me back to where I started. For me to be my best self, I needed to learn to put fear in its place - as a sign that I was going into unknown territory, and that I needed to have some faith - in myself, in my intuition, in my relationship with my higher power, and in my now unshakeable belief that whatever happens as a result of my loving actions is for my best.
I really needed to write this to remind myself of all this. Because I am now in a transition period, where fears are surfacing that I didn't even know existed! How wonderful it is that they are surfacing, because that means I am already far along in my transition and in changing my mind-set. I'm moving from the mind-set of scarcity into the mind-set of abundance, from emotional loss to abundant and enduring love.
I feel fear tugging at my hem trying to trip me up, and I can simply stop and say "well, take my hand, and we'll go together. You don't have to be afraid, because you're not alone. I'm with you and I'll take care of you. Everything will be just fine and lots of fun. And together we can handle anything that comes up. You'll see!" Just as I'd talk to my 5 year old niece, and as I wish someone had talked to me when I was little. Well, today I can talk to little Julie like that, and we'll see together what further joys this life has to offer.
posted by julieannerickson at 6:10 PM
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