about hearing and listening
Really "hearing" someone can be a very powerful tool for liberating myself from the tyranny of fear of other people's moods and emotions.
For me, to really "hear" somebody is to listen so carefully to their words and tone of voice, to observe their body language and "listen" to the unspoken message, to open my heart to them and have an attitude of compassion and love.
I must use my active listening skills to truly hear what another is saying - suspending my own emotions for the moment to make sure I've not jumped to the wrong conclusion based on incomplete or misinterpreted information, and asking questions like "I heard you say this. Is that what you said or intended to say?" If the other person does say or do something hurtful, there is always time for me to consider how I want to respond. First, I need to ensure that I have heard what they intend to say, without my preconceptions and unexamined filters getting in the way.
An interesting example of this came last summer when my twin sister was pretty snippy with and rude to me. You'd think I know her long enough to understand some of her patterns...but no, I am often too caught up in my fear of her and her anger. Anyway, all of a sudden it occurred to me to ask her how her day was, instead of doing what I usually do which is retreat into a self-protective space. She ended up venting a whole lot of stuff about her work, helped by my questions and quiet listening. When she was done, she felt better and was no longer "crabby Patty." And I felt incredibly free - from fear of her, from my mood being dependent on her mood, from feeling powerless in her company.
That freedom would not be mine had I continued just to listen to the surface stuff - the rudeness and shortness of temper directed toward me. Instead I didn't take it on. Rather, I "heard" that there was something going on that had nothing to do with me that was somehow causing her to behave badly toward me.
While I don't like it when she takes her stuff out on me, I have built on that experience to overcome my immediate feeling of dread ("oh what did I do now to upset her that I'm not aware of and will be punished for") and retreat into hurt feelings or umbrage or fear. The feeling still comes up, but I now ask her a question about how work is going. If work is OK, I'll say "oh, you seem a little stressed so I wondered if everything was OK." And then she generally opens up about whatever it is that is bothering her. I can remember just one time over the past year when I've been "the cause" of her unpleasant behavior.
For me, to really "hear" somebody is to listen so carefully to their words and tone of voice, to observe their body language and "listen" to the unspoken message, to open my heart to them and have an attitude of compassion and love.
I must use my active listening skills to truly hear what another is saying - suspending my own emotions for the moment to make sure I've not jumped to the wrong conclusion based on incomplete or misinterpreted information, and asking questions like "I heard you say this. Is that what you said or intended to say?" If the other person does say or do something hurtful, there is always time for me to consider how I want to respond. First, I need to ensure that I have heard what they intend to say, without my preconceptions and unexamined filters getting in the way.
An interesting example of this came last summer when my twin sister was pretty snippy with and rude to me. You'd think I know her long enough to understand some of her patterns...but no, I am often too caught up in my fear of her and her anger. Anyway, all of a sudden it occurred to me to ask her how her day was, instead of doing what I usually do which is retreat into a self-protective space. She ended up venting a whole lot of stuff about her work, helped by my questions and quiet listening. When she was done, she felt better and was no longer "crabby Patty." And I felt incredibly free - from fear of her, from my mood being dependent on her mood, from feeling powerless in her company.
That freedom would not be mine had I continued just to listen to the surface stuff - the rudeness and shortness of temper directed toward me. Instead I didn't take it on. Rather, I "heard" that there was something going on that had nothing to do with me that was somehow causing her to behave badly toward me.
While I don't like it when she takes her stuff out on me, I have built on that experience to overcome my immediate feeling of dread ("oh what did I do now to upset her that I'm not aware of and will be punished for") and retreat into hurt feelings or umbrage or fear. The feeling still comes up, but I now ask her a question about how work is going. If work is OK, I'll say "oh, you seem a little stressed so I wondered if everything was OK." And then she generally opens up about whatever it is that is bothering her. I can remember just one time over the past year when I've been "the cause" of her unpleasant behavior.
posted by julieannerickson at 5:00 PM
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