about self-awareness
It was pretty painful to learn how to be self-aware. For a long time, I felt self-conscious about being self-aware. It was as if I were looking over my own shoulder, both observing and judging my actions. The yardstick against which I judged myself was often pretty harsh - usually it was my idea of what was "perfect." Of course, over time the external yardstick went away as I internalized the principles of the program and began to live my values.
Perhaps the self-consciousness was a necessary stage in my development; after all, I'd been pretty unconscious for many years. I followed the direction of my emotions and impulses, rarely making choices and rebelling against the very process of making a pro and con list when faced with a big decision.
For example, I decided on a graduate school based on a Tarot reading and a fear that a major catastrophe would hit the West Coast while I was there. Never mind that both West Coast schools gave me free tuition and a scholarship to cover other expenses, while the mid-west school did neither. I chose the mid-west, and then talked my way into getting a teaching assistantship which included free tuition. I was so proud of myself for successfully overcoming the financial hurdle!
Today, I think that it was such a great example of my always needing to prove that I could handle the hard stuff, and choosing the harder path simply because it was harder. I hope that today I would make a more thoughtful decision about where to go to graduate school, based on a lot of factors and informed by a lot of information.
Self-awareness is second nature to me now - something I continually develop through reading, praying, meditation, writing, talking to friends, examining my behavior through "spot check inventories," and getting feedback from others who may see me more clearly.
I do filter that feedback through my gut to determine if it fully applies to me. My gut instinct is usually pretty accurate. The more information I have, the more accurate it is. I've learned to trust it. I do know that the information I most resist is that which I most need to heed; I most often reject the truth. When I feel a little bristly, it's a sign now that I need to examine the statement or observation. That's real self-awareness - being onto myself and my techniques for
avoiding awareness of myself!
Perhaps the self-consciousness was a necessary stage in my development; after all, I'd been pretty unconscious for many years. I followed the direction of my emotions and impulses, rarely making choices and rebelling against the very process of making a pro and con list when faced with a big decision.
For example, I decided on a graduate school based on a Tarot reading and a fear that a major catastrophe would hit the West Coast while I was there. Never mind that both West Coast schools gave me free tuition and a scholarship to cover other expenses, while the mid-west school did neither. I chose the mid-west, and then talked my way into getting a teaching assistantship which included free tuition. I was so proud of myself for successfully overcoming the financial hurdle!
Today, I think that it was such a great example of my always needing to prove that I could handle the hard stuff, and choosing the harder path simply because it was harder. I hope that today I would make a more thoughtful decision about where to go to graduate school, based on a lot of factors and informed by a lot of information.
Self-awareness is second nature to me now - something I continually develop through reading, praying, meditation, writing, talking to friends, examining my behavior through "spot check inventories," and getting feedback from others who may see me more clearly.
I do filter that feedback through my gut to determine if it fully applies to me. My gut instinct is usually pretty accurate. The more information I have, the more accurate it is. I've learned to trust it. I do know that the information I most resist is that which I most need to heed; I most often reject the truth. When I feel a little bristly, it's a sign now that I need to examine the statement or observation. That's real self-awareness - being onto myself and my techniques for
avoiding awareness of myself!
posted by julieannerickson at 12:48 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home