About Why I Tweet on Twitter

Re Facebook, there are so many people uncomfortable with the degree of exposure, esp. unwitting exposure. I told a friend that I posted a photo of her and she very gingerly asked if I'd be OK taking it off - which of course I was. My impulse was to include her in "my life" so she wasn't mad, she just reminded me that she values her privacy. As her friend, I want her to be comfortable, so down it came. I have the photo, that's all that matters.

I tweet because I am at home all day, talking on the phone to people, and generally connecting to the world via the web. It's been a lot of fun. I learn a lot about what's going on in the cyberworld, social marketing, "HUGE money making opportunities!" that require a whole lot of hard work (no one ever tells you that...), free services, funny videos and websites (www.icanhascheezburger.com is one definitely worth a visit - LOL cat pictures and captions).

Twitter keeps me in touch with the world, sparks my imagination, gives me information to pass on to several people I'm helping with their job searches, gives me stuff for blog posting - I am turning into a writer. You may or may not know I'm officially disabled (SSI and everything) after several back operations and hip replacement - while it's very frustrating not to be as mobile as I want to be, I have found these cyber-outlets that save my sanity.

Otherwise, I doubt I'd do all this!

Really, all Twitter is, is the answer to the questions "watcha doin'?" and "a penny for your thoughts..."

about resentment

Sometimes I need to vent and then accept that I’ve made the choice to do something, and either I change my mind or decide to roll with it without resentment (re-sent[i]ment – refeeling my anger, hurt, disappointment).

A couple of summers ago, my mom disinvited me to join them for vacation because “there isn’t enough room” – every other member of the family was going to be there, so I couldn’t go. I was so hurt. Yet I wasn’t willing to talk to my mother about it, because after 50 years of experience being her daughter, I understand that she had no idea what she did and could blame me for taking it so personally. I didn't want to risk being hurt again.

The problem was that I iced her out, being very cold to her in family gatherings after that – and it was so noticeable that my father told me to cut it out – something he almost never does. I had a decision: do I talk to my mother about it? Or do I truly accept that she is who she is, and then give up the right to hold that against her? I chose the latter. I decided to act as if everything was normal, and eventually it became normal. She didn’t want to know why I was behaving that way, she just wanted me to stop being mean to her.

If I’m not willing to work with the other person to try and make it right, I simply need to work it through myself (with friends, of course!) and not take out my feelings on the person who injured me. It does hurt them, so I get that satisfaction from revenge. However, if I love them, it's not satisfying for very long. Plus, I don't want to be so obvious in my feelings. And I want to grow up! To accept that I don't have to act on my feelings, that I can accept the limitations of other people just as I want them to accept mine.

Binge Signals

I listen to my binge voice but am learning not to heed it, if that distinction makes any sense. It needs to be aired because it is a source of information for me.

If I want to binge, what's going on? Am I hungry and perhaps have gone too long between meals/snacks? Or did something happen in the world that triggered one of those feelings over which I binge? Am I lonely, or feeling inadequate, not enough, incompetent, despairing? Those are my big triggers.

Identifying the underlying cause for a "binge signal" allows me to take appropriate action (as long as I'm willing to do so!). When hungry, eat a piece of fruit and/or some protein. When emotional, call a friend or write in my blog or go outside or clean the kitchen sink or draw a picture - whatever it is that will feed my soul and help me feel whole and enough.

Honestly, I have come to the conclusion that we are the only ones who know what works for us. Experts have tons of great ideas and suggestions, and I thank them for them. Then I go ahead and test them out. Some work for me, others don't. It's up to me to pay attention and make choices based on my self-knowledge and experience. I've learned how to lower the chatter in my head, to say "thanks for sharing, now I've got to move on!"

Step Two

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I came, then I came to, then I came to believe. That was my process.

When I joined Al-Anon, I'd been in another 12 Step program for a year and thought it should be easy for me to work the Steps in Al-Anon. I was way too optimistic. It was challenging for me to understand that I was powerless over people, over people with alcohol in them, and over alcohol in people. That was the nature of my insanity - that somehow I could control or influence an alcoholic's choices, attitudes and behavior - especially regarding me.

So first I came to Al-Anon. I sat at meetings, listened and gradually started learning about my co-dependent disease of alcoholism. It was very different from active alcoholism, for it involved hyper-responsiblity instead of the alcoholic's irresponsibility. It involved hyper-vigilance instead of the alcoholic's search for
oblivion. And it involved a firm, even stranglehold grasp on reality instead of the alcoholic's journey into fantasy. Weren't these things good? What could be bad about being responsible, vigilant and realistic?

I came to see that those traits are not inherently bad - in moderation. I was not exercising moderation, however. This was evident in the amount of anger, frustration and disappointment I suffered "because of" other people's behavior, attitudes and choices. My well-being was affected by other people to a very unhealthy extent. And I was responsible for that. I minded other people's business instead of minding my own. I came to see that as insanity.

Eventually, I came to believe that I could be restored to some kind of sanity. I came to believe that there is a power greater than me on whom I can call for strength and wisdom. I saw other people detach themselves from other people who repeatedly hurt and disappointed them, stand back and let their alcoholic partners or children experience the consequences of their drinking, and work on their own
character and choices FIRST. I came to believe that if I kept the focus on myself and used the Al-Anon tools, I too would gain serenity and happiness.

And that is what happened to me. Today, I understand and accept that I am powerless over others, and that the key to my happiness is minding my own business.

Executive Pay Limits

Obama Calls for ‘Common Sense’ on Executive Pay calls for another way to look at pay. Maybe it's time for for-profit folks to have the same kind of scrutiny that non-profit executives have had for a long time.

about constantly working

When I say "working," I don't mean what we usually mean by work - paid employment or self-employment or somehow doing or providing something of value in return for something else of value, usually money. Well, maybe I mean the last one. Because I am talking about how much hard work is involved in governing my life, my emotions, my attitude. If I get another e-mail from another self-help guru touting how important it is for me to let go of my fears and my negativity, to accept full responsibility for how my life is today, to practice acceptance and the Law of Attraction, etc....well, I will just go to bed for a while. I am tired of all this effort. I would like a rest. What sparked this rebellion? Talking to a friend who is full of ups and downs, who is seemingly constantly thrown the most painful and difficult situations and circumstances. Just as she makes it through something, she is tossed another curve. And while it's very easy to say "oh, life is your teacher" or some such very true sentiment, it is not easy to listen to her pain - and worse than that, to her resignation and giving up. I'd rather hear her yell and complain than this dull voice of supposed acceptance that things will change and be different. It's as though her vitality has been stolen by too much pain over and over again. Sure, it's possible that she will regain her vitality and zest for life. Maybe even tomorrow. As it is possible that she will come out of this a stronger, wiser woman. That will take more time, in my experience. Right now, I weep inside for the steady pounding on her spirit, the constant deflation of her hopes, the never-ending assault on her equilibrium. All the words I have are not enough to comfort her, to restore her faith, to invigorate her with hope. I've been through so much of what she is going through. Perhaps that's why I know how horrible this is. And I know how close I came to throwing in the towel. Years ago, I did throw in the towel for a couple weeks and spent those weeks in a safe environment getting some healing space and time away from the demands of everyday life. Sometimes life's problems really are too much. People's minds and hearts break, and too often they do not recover. In such situations, it is abhorrent to talk about personal responsibility and "you brought this into your life for a reason." For many years, I've resented the hell out of Louise Hay for starting the whole "you create your own health" movement which has now transmuted into the "you create your own life" binge. It is so demoralizing to be sick or disabled or in emotional pain and hear that I brought it on myself. Why on earth would I want to be in this condition? And if I brought it on, why the hell can't I cure myself? I mean, if it were possible to cure oneself through positive thinking, we wouldn't need to raise money to fund cancer research, would we? And I don't think I have a failure to think positively enough. That is tantamount to saying that Jean Harlow's mother had the right idea when she kept her from the hospital because Christian Science praying would heal her. It didn't, and she died unnecessarily of septicemia, I think - something very curable when caught early enough. Does faith healing happen sometimes? Sure! I do believe in miracles. The thing is, they are called miracles for the very reason that they happen quite infrequently. My opinion and experience is that we get what we get, not what we deserve or what we ask for or what we want. I don't believe I asked for Lyme disease and the crappy complications that seem to have followed it. I got bitten by a tick. I went to a very renowned doctor, who now heads up the Complementary Medicine Institute at Beth Israel Hospital, and he didn't diagnose me with Lyme for five years. The medicine simply wasn't advanced enough for him to think that a borderline test result meant I should be treated as if I had the disease. Some people might think that was medical malpractice. I don't. I think it was medical inexperience - not his, the field's. You don't know until you know. There is no malice in not knowing yet. So did I ask to get Lyme disease? Not consciously, not subconsciously as far as I can tell after years of therapy and self-examination. In a past life? Who on earth knows? I only know that I got it and it sucks and I have a choice about how I deal with the consequences. That choice sometimes is very limited, between crying and being angry, between sleeping and watching a movie so I don't think. Sometimes, it's OK to check out. I get so tired of being so damned good all the time. There are times when all I say to people is "I'm so sorry you have to deal with this." I remember feeling so wonderful when my therapist Emily would validate my feelings. I'd be angry or hurt or discouraged, and she'd say "yes, I can understand that. That was a hurtful thing for her to say/do." I wasn't alone in my own world of meaning anymore where everything was relative and nothing was solid or constant. Instead, I shared reality with someone who said that there are some absolutes, there are some common human experiences and feelings, and you can trust your own gut, your own opinion, your own feelings. You can trust them and honor them and listen to them. I really needed to hear that. It was one of the most empowering things ever to happen to me. And the validation helped calm me down, helped temper the feelings, soothe my wounded heart, and enable me to think more calmly and even objectively about what action to take based on my feelings and the situation. When I was in college, my friend Linda's mother said to her that she often wanted to put her arms around me and tell me everything would be all right. I wish she had, even though I wouldn't have known what she meant. I did end up spending a summer with Layne Grasshoff, and she was wonderful to me. I must have talked a lot about how wonderful she was because my own mother got jealous and complained that it seemed I wanted Mrs. Grasshoff to be my mother instead of her. Honestly, at that point, I did. And probably because that was true and I couldn't tolerate what seemed to be betraying my mother, I didn't have much contact with her after that. For that, I am sorry. She was a generous, loving woman to me, who accepted me as I was. She loaned me the money for an abortion after I'd been raped, when I couldn't tell my own mother about it. She represented safety. Safety is so ephemeral for grown-ups. For many children, as well, who grow up in abusive families or no families at all. Yet it is such a fundamental craving we humans have, for safety, for the physical and emotional space to just let go of having to be good, having to behave, having to have a good attitude, having to set a good example, having to have faith, having to keep trying, keep going, keep working. Is there no respite from life's storm? That's what I was thinking about tonight when I listened to my dear friend Sam. I have no respite for her. Even the words "it will all be OK" are meaningless in that frame of mind, as they would have been for me if Mrs. Grasshoff had said them to me. I would have wondered why she said it to me, and I would have said "how do you know?" There are no guarantees in life, and it's all very well and good to reassure someone, but on what basis? How on earth do I know if it's all going to be OK? I only know that if I drink, it will all be worse - unless I am fortunate enough to die quickly from alcohol poisoning. I guess this is where I always end up, where I ended up after my two week "holiday" when I wanted to return to that safe place. I have no choice. I must go on. Suicide is not for me. I am too chicken, and I have too much innate hope. And so this human spirit adjusts, adapts, regroups, reinflates, revives. After a little rest, I am willing and able to do the work again.

Appetite or hunger?

USA Today quotes Kelly Rhoads as saying "I've learned to differentiate hunger from appetite. Sometimes, when I think I'm hungry, I drink a glass of water or a non-caffeinated drink, and usually I stop feeling hungry." (http://www.usatoday.com)

I immediately thought about how I like the taste of some foods so much that I keep eating them long after I am full. I'm no longer feeding my hunger, I'm feeding my desire for pleasure and feeling good.

I think appetite is similar to that - there's this appetite to fill myself up, to feel good, to taste something yummy, to plunge into and remain in this wonderful sensory experience. I'm not hungry for food, I'm hungry for pleasure, for immediate gratification, for being out of all reality except taste bud reality, and possibly for hiding from feelings of pain or loneliness or anger or depression. So my appetite is for stuffing things down. It's not hunger.

Getting out of the binge cycle

How quickly the days pass! I spent the weekend sleeping a lot and then yesterday was on overload emotionally. I did record what I ate and that was a success. AND...I did not binge eat yesterday, nor have I today.

I'm really, really happy about not binging. I take my own suggestion of celebrating and allowing myself to feel good about showing up for myself, about getting back on the path. Something about being around my parents triggers me to go back to the comfort zone of misery. It's as if I'm accustomed to deprivation and "not enough" and "failure" and feeling bad - nothing I do will ever be enough to make me feel happy. At least that's the pattern into which I fall. Having been in 12 step recovery for almost 27 years, I know it's possible for me to be happy. And I have been happy. Happy is more my normal state these days. In the "still growing" category, I see that I have room to grow in terms of allowing myself to be happy around my parents, and to a lesser extent, my siblings. I get to be successful, to have what I want, to feel good about myself.

The other day, my coach asked me whether it served my mother for me to live small and unhappily. It does not. It sells her short. One quote that really touched me was from Nelson Mandela:

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. …And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

And so I am called to play big.

about Writing My Life

A theme today is using writing to externalize one's thoughts, dreams, wishes, and explore one's inner world - what DO I really want? why?

If I keep things inside, they don't get a chance to breathe, to become real, to form a foundation on which I can build and grow. When I write down my dreams, they can become intentions and goals. It's now out there in the universe, its energy pulsing out and in.

Negative thoughts also need airing so we can see them for what they are - toxic, poisonous to our souls and mood. If I keep things inside, they will move me around without my consent or choice - and then I wonder why I end up in unsatisfactory situations. Expressing those things frees me from being stuck and allows me to begin exercising choice, making better informed decisions.

I love finding out how I get in my own way, how I stop myself from getting what I want - that's the virtue of self-exploration & expression. Because I don't have to stand in my own way - and I don't do it as unknowingly, when I do the excavation work, the internal dig.

Somehow when I write I can see what's happening, I discover ideas, I realize hidden motivations, I unearth pivotal personal history. I hear myself, I hear my own voice, I begin to take shape to myself, to occupy space and time, to have definition and dimension and meaning.